Chained myself to this rock; Breath is smoke signals.


I guess its the paradox of things... You know, you have to love and lose.. To know you REALLY did love.
You have to feel solitude, pain and confinement to realize companionship, happiness and freedom. I'm sure the most of you would have heard of the saying goes "happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Always, love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The yin and yang of things.. [::chuckles::]

My concern is this, why must winter always follow summer? Why must all sunny days too soon turn dark and reveal the forecasted rain? Why cant things last perfectly, forever?

Things were perfect once....

Obsession, passion, sentiment, sensation... All perfectly aligned to convey the greatest experiences of one's life. These gifts come with a heavy price. Especially in a situation wherein one burdens one sole person the bearer of all your emotions.
The "one" that will either make-or-break your day. We dont choose to do it....Why would we? Why allow someone to have such a hard influence in your life's day? Yet at some point we succumb to it.. Unknowingly until its too late.

Its until the "bearer" neglects you... deprives you.. forgets you...Changes...That you realize the much-too-late mistake. You've lost and no matter how hard you try.. They have made your day.

I am free... I have got out... I have remembered....For no one should ever feel the way I do..

Relationships

One day you're gonna wake up and realize how much you care for her - and when that day comes... she'll be waking up next to the guy that already knew that...I read this from a book and it got me thinking about relationships....those that open you up to something new and exotic, that are old and familiar, that bring up lots of questions, bring you somewhere unexpected, that could bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself... and if you can find someone to love the you... you love.

The Loneliness of Personal Growth.... My Discontent

Look at the kid who grows up poor. He travels along his journey and decides to change what he is experiencing. So, as he moves through life, he makes a conscious effort to search himself about how to create an abundant lifestyle. He eventually accomplishes his goals and has a wonderful house, cars, money to vacation with his wife and children. His kids won't have to work so hard. He has their college money stashed away right alongside of his retirement fund. He is abundant, successful, and rich. What are the chances that the friends he grew up with are still around? Not very good. Most people who experience the fulfillment of choosing to succeed in that area end up having to leave their friends behind. Often family members will get upset and shun them too. He is treated like some sort of a bad person for having succeeded while his peers failed. Eventually he has to find new friends and maybe even new family.

It's no different with political, spiritual even physically on relating to each other. The more mentally healthy you become, the more balanced, the more wealthy, the more global you become... or the more alone you may feel? Often, we find ourselves unable to find those other rare individuals who are choosing the same path as ours. The path of sloppy and lazy is full of other people to meet and talk to. The path of whiners is full. The path of being safe, generic, and boring is so crowded you almost cannot even move forward. Isn't that why you left that path? You had a need to move forward, a need for some elbowroom, a need to spread your arms wide, a need to be seen as special, unique, different. Some may admire you, but they are not going to be able to really relate to you. You will be alone much of the time.

Yes, I suppose some could gather up their numbers and start wars and battles over religions or whatever else, but as we become more and more enlightened on all levels, I think we learn to appreciate the value of being on all paths. We learn that it is not important for all people to represent 'light' and to try to outshine the 'dark'. Without the 'dark' the 'light' has nothing to shine into. Those whom we deem as 'dark' actually give us purpose. They give us a reason to shine our own 'light' The act of war in and of it self is 'dark' and therefore you have lost your own 'light' while participating. I am not about to claim that I am above such things, just that in that moment of aggression, my own light does not shine no matter how valiant the cause.

And then there was me.

i dont know what i'm doing, besides hoping its already been done by the person known to me as myself, in the future. dingy island dingy is the sharing of knowledge dingy is famous as the entry to bass strait dingy is indeed suffering from lymphatic cancer dingy is from the wonderful "famous chinese" web site dingy is an associate of the firm's business practice group dingy is back dingy is quite a character dingy is a dingamon who seems to be a servant of holy angel castle dingy is located ~10km north of ballacoota dingy is echter wel degelijk van een natuurlijk gegeven uitgegaan dingy is on the prowl for a recipe of a spicy chicken dish called jen dingy is always lower case as shown dingy is a cohesive group and we are good friends and enjoy the thrill of competition and matches dingy is a very treacherous place dingy is off to china dingy is either a creation of someone's imagination or dingy is a growing listserv that covers birding in dingy is in an american prison for a series of armed robberies prompted by their cocaine addiction dingy is that dingy dingy is actually a white wolf pup dingy is a model for a larger piece completed in 1976 called column dingy is dead dingy is also believes in the fourth dimension because time can expressed through rhythm dingy is later cursed again with the ability to talk like a human by the monster that has become a man after so many years of resting in the ground dingy is available for accommodation dingy is my mother dingy is dingy in drifting conditions while we waited for the westerly air flow dingy is afraid to be alone with her thoughts at night and makes her love one wake up at 3 dingy is my not dingy is well dingy is fascinated by the subject of power dingy is a classical art form in that it depends on rational and logical use of balance dingy has a curious signature and similarity to the system that devastated the sydney hobart yacht race dingy is victorious dingy is a wind swept granite island dingy is coming dingy is usually credited with being the first to concentrate on negative space dingy is about as just off the near point dingy is a 30 ¾ dingy is not an especially favoured site for high winds dingy is basically the remains of the higher state of mind.

Life from a window, I'm taking in the view... Life from a window, watching everything around you.


i don’t know what day it is, and i don’t know what day it was. all i know is today’s today and tomorrow’s tomorrow, and that’s fine enough for me. today i'm sitting on somebody's rooftop that reeks of sanctity, in ridiculous nude, mainly because it’s absent of it. all it’s got is me, copy of all of the somebody else’s that were born in the somewhere else’s we’ve never heard of. that’s the point of sitting on rooftops, isn’t it? we have built this holy place ourselves. are we really happy here?

Who Is The Inner Critic? 

I read it somewhere that the inner critic typically begins during childhood i guess we all know it by now. Unfortunately most of us have had parents, siblings, teachers, friends, and enemies tell us that we aren't good enough. They laughed in your face when you told them your childhood dreams. It's not always said directly to our face. Sometimes it's a subtle undercurrent. Maybe you lived in the shadow of a perfect older brother, sister and in my case, a cousin and your folks forgot to cheer on your successes too. Maybe your folks did everything for you as if you weren't capable of doing anything for yourself. Maybe you lived under the rule of a perfectionist, so everything you did was critiqued with a cold critical eye and never quite cut the mustard.

However it starts, the inner critic gathers proof that it is doing the right thing by protecting you from making foolish leaps of faith. It will find proof of your lack and inability to shine. Every time you give up and quit, the inner critic files that away in it's memory as proof yet again of your smallness. Years and years of layers of proof and validation coupled with the lack of a strong support system of cheerleaders strengthens the inner critic until it overpowers your own sense of drive and purpose. Your fears now rule your life.

Critics are not necessarily bad. They analyze and report back the results of their critique. The inner critic believes that it is protecting you and it's job to keep you from doing harmful or foolish things. In the caveman days, it would have told you that you couldn't outrun the lion so you'd best leave it alone. It would have told you not to try jumping off of that cliff because you don't have wings like a bird so you're not going to be able to fly. The inner critic is supposed to analyze your talents, traits, and abilities and then determine whether or not you've got what it takes to accomplish whatever whim you're entertaining. At an enlightened balanced level it keeps you safe and out of trouble. In overdrive, it immobilizes you and keeps you from doing much of anything interesting and adventurous.

And interesting topic up came and about giving speeches last week. Now seriously, this is feared more than dying! How can that be? What is it we're afraid of? People will laugh at us? People will think we're stupid? People will be so bored that they'll fall asleep and snore through the speech? We'll forget what we were going to say and just stand there with a blank look on our face? To stand up and speak one's mind is the ultimate test of self confidence. Do you really truly believe in yourself, your knowledge of the subject matter, your ability to form words and sentences that make sense to the audience?
I can relate completely to this fear, but what I have to do is look realistically at myself from a third party objective viewpoint. I hear my own inner critic worrying that I'm going to make a fool of myself in giving speeches because I'll forget what I'm going to say. The truth is, I've learned to switch myself into a talkaholic when it comes to wanting to send my messages across even though I have historical evidence of forgetting what I was going to say. Quite the contrary, I typically add so much more than I had originally planned on saying. If I'm honest in my evaluation of myself then I'd realize that I have so much information, opinions, and stories that even if I do forget what I was going to say, I could probably 'wing it.' So, in my logical analysis, I would have to say that it's an invalid fear. There's no reason at all to listen to my own inner critic when it's nagging at me not to get up to the front to speak. For me, there is no real danger involved.

You may decide that your inner critic is telling the truth, you really aren't capable of doing what you've set out to do. So I've always wanted to own a restaurant but I'm afraid of failing. Upon evaluation I've come to realize that I don't know anything about running a food business or even being a good cook myself for that matter (apart fro my usual stuff). Okay great, so get lessons. Educate myself, make solving the fears my first steps. Just because you don't have all of the tools today doesn't mean that you're never ever going to be able to succeed. - Hang on? Now is this really that simple?? (Damn I wish i have the time!!)

In general in my opinion, your inner critic makes an evaluation about you based on mental programs and beliefs that has been fed into it over the course of your life. If you have a history of support and success, then your inner critic is probably balanced and logical. If you have a history of being ridiculed and of failure, then your inner critic is probably doing its best to save you from any further pain. You are so much more than your inner critic's opinion of you. I think everyone is forever capable of growing, learning, training, expanding, and contributing your unique beautiful self, so don't let your inner critic keep you from giving your gift to the world. Well now my inner critic says I'm talking too much. p

Clarity and Calm

While i suppose it isn't fair for me to write like i'm still sober, as i fell off my bed again this morning cuz i just felt too sick to do anything else, i'm still gonna keep trying, and at any rate my mind feels different these past few days.

Thoughtful.

not that that means shit, i'm always thoughtful in some way shape or form i guess, but a different kind of thoughtful. reminds me of how i often felt in college.

i'm feeling more inclined lately towards literature and intellectual pursuits.
maybe i'm just trying to bring out the pretentious side of me, in the ego's desperate attempt to hold on to some familiar form of identity.

that's food for thought, i just thought of that as i wrote it. funny how that happens sometimes. there's all these books i want to read, at the same time. "eyeless in gaza" by aldous huxley has always been a title that has stood out in my mind, although i've never read it. sometimes it can be really hard to get into huxley. the first time i read "point counterpoint" by the same author i couldn't put it down; i can still remember way back when i was still in college i looked forward for the day to end each day so i could go home and read my book (yeah, i'm a nerd, what of it?!) but since then i've found it hard to get into his stuff. just lacked the concentration or patience i guess. although "island" is also good by him (and of course the obligatory "brave new world".

maybe i just think "eyeless in gaza" is a cool sounding title. well, it is.
but i'll give that a try soon, possibly.

When he asked me what do I want, I thought to myself: you simly don't have them....

I want someone who will love me in the worst mood...won't laugh when I do stupid things..who will kiss my forehead while I'm asleep...who won't apologize for the bad things that happen unless it's their fault...who will rock out to the corniest music with me or at least not make fun when I do it by myself...who will respect me...and have enough respect for themselves...who will walk me to my door and kiss me like they mean it...who will stare up at the stars with me just because...who likes to makeout in the rain...who will be honest and call me out when I make them mad, but doesn't freak out when I do the same...who likes to just drive for the hell of it, and will take walks to nowhere, but be happy because we are together...who will stand outside with me in the freezing cold while I smoke a cigarette even if they don't smoke but just because...who will accept my bad habits and respect me enough to keep to themselves how much they hate them...who will play with my hair when I'm sleepy... who won't make fun of me for having so many pens and pencils...who can pound a few shots of whiskeys with a smile on their face...who will be honest enough to tell me I look like shit when I do... who are willing to play music for me for the rest of my life, and i will love you instantly...who will ski with me...

it's just not you.

who won't complain when i drive with all the windows down...who knows how to make the best of a bad situation or knows how to calm me down when neither of us can... who knows that a good date doesn't have to be at an expensive restaurant or somewhere beautiful, just somewhere we can have fun and be with each other...who doesn't care that i get lazy sometimes...who will challenge me and gives in when i lost without me knowing though i know and it's sweet.... who will cook for me when i don't feel like cooking... who when I'm sick comes and takes care of me... someone to hold my hand and tell me it's ok...who knows more than me...who value the smallest things with me...with a bigger heart than me... who with a a passion for life.

Now it's getting tough...and it's just not you.

But I'm tired of your emptiness, your emptiness and your emptiness...

You are too nostalgic, you want memory to secure you, console you. The past is a bore. What matters is only oneself and what one creates from what one has learned...Imagination uses what it needs and discards the rest.

Don't hoard the past.
Don't cherish anything.
Burn it.