A new moon.

It's the new moon, and I can feel that there are words that need to come out of me. Words, or a painting. I have no paint though.
Ooooooooooooh..... I need a stretch and a yawn and a glass of water and a good back rub..... I need a hot shower and a brand new outfit to wear.... I need fruit and milk and all of those good things.

I took a whole ambient but it isn't working. I think I'm nervous about tomorrow.

But I wanted to say something before I lie in bed, sleeplessly once more. The thing you see when you look into another person's eyes is the reflection of yourself. Your own eyes, and then their eyes again, continuously. It is an infinity. It is a physical metaphor, because we tend to look for ourselves in other people. To steal their energy instead of creating our own. But the more we look for ourselves in other people, the smaller we become until we have lost, into the infinite abyss, what it really means to be ourself.

I don't let people to dictate who I am. You may not even realize. I like to take serious alone time to remember why my favorite color is my favorite color. To watch those old movies and to paint a picture.

Stomach's in knots, Heart's pounding....

How could anyone fall head over heels for someone you meet or somone you have known as a stranger for a long time. Strength is what I am trying to harness for my work, and possible new ways of living- but so is procrastination. There are vital choices in life that you know will make an extraodinary difference. And every choice you make is not others, but your own. Who doesn't know this, I hope you do? No one can make you do the final actions, only yourself so when it comes to making desicions that are big in life...I get a little too much thinking going on, perhaps should just go with the flow and know that things will be - as it is.

Life should be good, and if things aren't the way they seem to be, there is always a way to change it for the better. Lately I have been making bold moves, I've always been the gutsy they said. But as you know now which you may have never known before. You are who you are today based on your desicions made from the past. So are you happy or not? Because the future results are based on the newest thoughts and choices you make today and thereforth, so isn't there countless ways to change the course of life? I am always open to recieving it. Whether it be for love, career or simple everyday living. When you start to make changes for the better, life feels like a challenge you may not want to deal with due to laziness and being out of the comfort zone. But the outcome and rewards from overcoming the little obstacles that are thrown to you, is strength to keep that constant drive of faith within yourself to become closer to happiness, dreams and goals.

When you realize your own fulfillment in doing that, regardless of who may step into your life. People who may be nice, unkind or dislike you would still be inevitable to you, because deep down inside you know your happiness is from within, and so what would happen is that you would and most likely end up giving that unconditional love and support for all who enters your life at the moment, with blessings and best wishes for those individuals. Regardless if their wishes are the same for you or to merely shove you from behind and taunt you. I always tell myself that my desicions are mine alone, no one can make me turn and give unkindess in return or love against my will. So from all that I have just said, I have no resents in my life's events, or desicions I made. Being responsible for my own actions is what made me who I am today... Others whom does give a chance or time of day, not to metion those that are just straight up to jugdment, what a life, they must have had, well not to give the sad story, others have very difficult past to live with too, and they've make the worst part of them run there lives to unhappiness.

The sun will always shine, the good things and bad things will always happen. So I asked could you give up part of our happiness or most of it, for someone else's happiness? If yes why. If no then what would be your happiness?

Yield.

Taking what I've got and making something with it? Gotta love life when it's at it's least, gotto live it up when it's at it's highest. Can't take a middleground it seems, middleground... There's a gaping hole there, fall through and never be seen again. So sides, battlelines being drawn... What should one do? Take a side and leave the other. I think I'll stand where I'm at and try to dodge all these bullets and shells. Standing where I'm at can I just be neutral? I think I shall. It seems like the best course of action I have no struggle and no qualms with either and none. I'm over everything but low enough to see what's going on.

Madness and blasphemy. Sin never looked this sexy... Take it from me and tears are useless tools when you are trying to fix something, such a waste of saline!

Thoughts on fire, fan this proverbal flame. No please. Don't, It is done. This is a quagmire though, I'm sinking deeper with each step I take. Fun without a doubt, struggling to comprehend? I'm not. I'm not sure what I'm even talking about. Do you? Take my tounge and make it stick to my palate so that I cannot speak. Take my fingers and break each bone so I can not write. Blind me so I cannot see what's going on... But even in blindness I'll see everything, more clarity than the eye of nature. Understand what I'm not saying, the words of silence speak louder, no they scream.



What I've learned from dinner last night. 

Extraordinary things happen everyday, and most people are just too ordinary to see them. Even summer can feel like winter, no matter how much the sun shines on your face. The strength of a relationship is not measured by how much one person loves another. It doesn't matter if you would hang the moon for someone, if they don't love you back, they never will, and if they dont care enough to return your affections then the relationship is not strong. The strength of a relationship is measured by the amount of affection between person A and person B. It's mathmatical, see, the closer to 0 the better. So if person A loves person B at 8, and person B loves person A at 2, the relationship is 6... 6 is not close to 0, bad relationship... get it?

Boats have anchors...humans don't have anchors. Sometimes things can hold us down, so either embrace it and find a way to keep it without weighing you down, or let it go. Letting things go, especially people, is hard. But no one ever said life would be easy either. Take the time to enjoy life. I often find it is the times when I get so busy and stressed out that I get bummed out. Thats just because I get too busy to remember what I do have and how lucky I am. Some of us really are "relationship challenged" and thats okay.

When someone makes you sad, more then they make you happy, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship, he kept reminding me remember humans don't have anchors. Once again- Letting someone go is hard.

In order for someone to "get you" you have to know them for more then 5 minutes.

Sometimes salvation comes in the form of heartache.

When nothing can fill the hole in your heart.

I was pondering today about defining certain emotions that I couldn't even recall. There is a certain devastating emptiness that I have felt since. I am coming to realize that maybe that's not it at all. It is a feeling of great loss. Grief. Overwhelming grief I feel as though someone very dear had died. It's crushing. In the past I would try to fix it by clinging to people get needy and desperate. I used to let this get the better of me. Somethings must have changed me now that I'm a more able person I've decided to take the route of stepping back, distancing myself, pushing people away, being emotionally independent. 

It's funny how we try so desperately to patch up holes in our hearts. We go about searching for lovers, for relationships, masking things. Some people take pills, some people do drugs. Maybe when it all comes down to it the solution is finding our soul-mate and feeling completed. Does that help? I wish that was a solution. 

All the ridiculous, frustrating, heart wrenchingly painful games that men and women play. Is it just a distraction from some inner pain? I think that "anxiety" is really just the mind trying to distract itself from some inner pain that is too intense to handle at that given time. Instead of falling on the floor sobbing we panic and then try to figure out what it is that we're so worked up about.  It's harder to come to terms with the real issue than it is to claim "anxiety" and mask it. 

Or this could all be a bunch of nonsense.  Who's to say?

You know what? I really don't give a damn anymore. If I was to tell the truth, be it said, and be it heard. I'll laugh before I let loose a statement so you'll know I'm hiding my real words. Just like before, say hi. You don't need to understand what I'm speaking of to hear my message.

I'm alright. No actually I'm not alright. I'm tired...I'm very tired. Tired of trying to make sure that everyones worlds keep spinning and tired of watching mine get destroyed by the envious who despises me with every other step I make. I'm so tired, I want to just go to sleep at least there I can listen to my predetremined thoughts instead of the babble that spills from all your wretched hellmouths. God....! I am good with words to manipulate? Ahaha....this is what I thought about jealousy will eats you for this instance, when you are less able to write, less able to achieve with your weak minds which you think you are creative and less able to share with your sick hearts, you had wished but I am.

I'd like to take this time to applaud everyone I've ever known. Pat yourself on the back. You know what? No... not everyone, some of you don't deserve to be fitted with the commonman. Some of you are actually good people and I love the some of you. It's few among many, but still. Ahhh the seed of man, watch it grow into a weed. I do love a happy ending.

I just want a peace of mind for once... For one second I'd like to see what it's like not to have too worry about everything. Don't think I don't have to worry about things, I should flay you head to toe for thinking that....

Anytime now... Anytime... It's time.


Possibilities and sweeter dreams.

I appreciate the people most who can make me laugh, especially at me. Sometimes I tend to take myself too seriously and a good laugh makes that all feel better. I like to surround myself with genuine characters not caring if they're completely different than me, as long as they don't try to conform to any group in particular. Not people who attempt to catch my attention by staring or glancing and judging, making their shallow stories of what others live are like. Not people that follow me for a few minutes and walk away. or sit next to me or near me and wait for me to say something and certainly not people that talk to me out of the blue. Isn't life is just too boring when everyone acts and dresses the same?

I have the gift with listening to my gut where your head can be too analytical, your heart can be too forgiving. Sometimes I try to ignore my gut because it is telling me something that my heart does not want to hear. And my heart is the organ that pumps all of the blood that flows in my body, now that's especially hard to ignore.

I love animals, my dogs labelled by my sister as "dogs from hell" are my little loves who gives nothing back but love, affection and happiness. So I believe that the only two things that you can truly count on in life are your family (blood, or not) and your dearest pets.

Travelling is fun, and I would love to do it more that I believe in the saying goes "anywhere you go, there you are." I find that the real adventure and quest in life is in the mind and heart. With compassion, every day I try to know myself better, even though I sometimes take myself in circles for the reason of wanting to "See a place, and know it well." In a similar way, I would rather know a few people well than to surround myself with transitory acquaintances. The mind is a deep, mysterious and incredibly unique place that takes time to uncover. The trick is in choosing the right people. In the past, I have dug deeply only to find a shattered mirror.

Happiness is like a drug, that is why we are much healthier and lively when we are happy. And that is also why it is so difficult when something that once made you happy on a regular basis suddenly disappears from your life. But, as with any drug withdrawal which our bodies longing for the doses, our bodies and minds learn to adjust the without, soon enough, something brand new will come along and make us even happier.

To Help or Harm?

Here we are once too many times again finding ourselves here, staring a an empty page. Imagining all possibilities probable? All options open? And for what reason?

It all comes down to this - everything, every decision we make comes down to this question. In fact every question can be eliminated to two answers. That right! It seems your ol' school teacher may have been correct about those multiple choice questions, eliminate the ones you know are not right... and in life, I suppose that comes down to "right for you"... right for who you want to become and to take every decision down to a true or false question.

"I would want to do this?".... true or false
"I would want this to be done to me?... true or false
"I want to help this person?"... true or false
"I don't want to hurt this person?"... true or false

Not as much of an overwhelming situation with a 50/50 chance of being what you want... the you who you are proud to be... who you would love.

Can't say that it makes accomplishing the goal all that much easier though, for the world may want you to be something different. So full of harmful intents and distractions. And it will fight you in every desicion... make you question yourself the whole way... make you wonder. But as long as you know what you like... you know what you want... you can find who you are. You are stronger than you are aware of... you are more powerful than the world itself wants you to know...

Just remember... If you're not here to harm... You're in harm's way.

And now a quiet revelation.

So out driving this evening, I found myself stopping where I love to be the place where I mostly peace and solitude, as usual i took a stop and got out for a while. There was enough real reasons for me to and I just had this strange urge for a quiet revelation. Sitting there, the brisk evening air so familar yet it was like the first time I had ever actually felt it, the rolling trees below like a flowing blanket of darkness by the second dark and cool, sleeping beneath the encompassing glitters of the stars above..., I stare and I wondered.... My mind is a terribily wonderful place. So as synapses fired, and chemicals fused I said....

Love... We only have one chance at this don't we and some don't. There is no retrys in life, if we screw this up its over.... nothing left. We are gonna make bad choices no doubt at that, we are gonna make good choices thats a given as well. Some will be life changing and some will be almost meaningless like what brand of cereal should I eat in the morning. I just realized that we've only got one real chance at this, after that we are gone, dust in the wind, our essence to be one with the mother earth yet again and then with the stars and the moon.

I need to leave this place soon. I think I'll leave when a chance comes, maybe its better to run.

A revelation of individuality.

The visions in my head, hopefully they will bring me closer to the stars. My hand wrapped around my heart, the pulses move me. as the que signals the thoughts of reality, a character has lost to our portraits lasting image. A beaten path traveled before, a life once lived, part of the herd, a sheep in the field.

Can't see truth with your eyes.

You should try to hold the reigns a bit tighter, you may be able to hold your own but you can't hold me. Shouldn't even try. I'll hang off everything but that don't mean I can't let go. Though it appears I can't... Maybe I should loosen my grip on this situation. Feeling my oats with someone named indifference who believes that ignorance is their best friend, should have taken a closer look next time. Old beliefs, should never could, and can't never won't. Does it hold a meaning to me right now? Can't take much more of this.

Trying to rage but my fire is put out. Can't get it rekindled even with my best attempts. Less be like to be like more. More to be like what is less, take it out and remember what you lost. Lost everything when nothing was at stake remember to lose yourself when finding another me again, only way out of this maze is through to route taken least. Trust the following footsteps of others will only lead you astray. Take me out. One shot is all you have on this attempt then its gone. Sharp as a knife, straight through with ease, skin and bone each more or less a metaphor for life. Take what you will, leave me with nothing and I'll have all I ever had. Can't take what's not there to begin with, just give it and then take it back and you'll have twice with what you've started.

Not the people of our dreams, just a nightmare that started sweet. Take a piece out and leave. You'll understand the meaning of everything one day, once everything is done and said, you'll find out where this map is leading to. Look past the trees and try to see the forest, I wouldn't wander in though... because if you get lost you'll probably never be found again.

Take your time.

In dreams i walk with you...

There are some moments in a man’s life where he has to choose between the images he sees and the time which merges with the preconceived notions of those particular images. There are also moments in which I begin to elaborate on my sense of existence, of who I am. While on the other spectrum, I try to distinguish the light and the dark playing tones on the canvas of my skin. How much light is necessary to deliberately portray who I am, the thing inside. This thing swimming within the vestibules running through my head. Night after night, day after day, waiting for the sun to tell me what looks right, what can possibly be wrong with the humanity growing in a circumvented direction. The man, inventing the numerous ways I can possibly be. But never shall I become, and never shall he create a concoction for me to become.

The only color I perceive to be correct is red, though i don't use the color to paint because as it is the blood that flows which has always been there in whatever I do. I exist in my black and whites it matters and it is heavy.

Deranged is the weather, deranged are the houses being erected at a consistent pace. I love seasons but sadly, we don't get it here. Seasons makes me feel dreamy, like a certain nostalgia that repeats itself. Like liquor without the alcohol. Like drugs without the poison. Like love without a man, without a woman, without a need to pull out a cause. It comes and goes just like.. that. Just like that the world can take your lips and shut it. Just like that the world can close your eye lids and describe to you exactly what it is that may be out there. Eventually you will believe the world. Eventually, you will no longer be able to see who I really am to you. Just like that the world can feed your emotionality as some kind of energetic reason to work, or live, or to just be.

There will come the time when I shall hand you my heart and you will not understand and look away. So when I open my mouth, you start laughing at everything I say be it poetic or not, or deep, or shallow, or silly. Your laughter will stir your bowels, just like the world that tickles you with insurmountable light and sound.

Then I will disappear. Hello, my name is Jenny.

You brought tears to her eyes today.

You did, yet again. Wonder how it feels to be the only person to have ever made her heart cry? Her heart, not just once mind you. If you look back, do realize that nobody took her away...her hand never slipped from your grasp and that wasn't how it went down. You looked away for so long and when you looked back, you were someone she didnt recognize. So she was supposed to feel pity for you who lost her during your long fiesta of greed? Save your musician sympathy and find some better believer. You know it feels great sometimes, just thinking of you and of all the worse that could have happen. Sometimes you can only rebuild the span you've destroyed so many times over untill it is not rebuildable...don't need your matches, there doesn't have to be any fires, don't want to spark a blaze if it means it's going to consume you.

You think she is arrogant, stubborn, crude, distant, emotionless, senseless;  All of these words you could easily use to describe her now with your uncreative mindset which is only capable of forming such lame opinions, and to be honest easing your ego, you'd be completely right. Is this what you want for her to shut her world off once again just like she did before she met you? She would and now you've got it.

There's no real reason why this was being written, simply put, my heart told me to just type and type as I did after the day had been totally destroyed by a simple phone call. Starting to imagine that it is very hard to give someone everything you ever possibly could and have them not even fake a smile of gratitude, the pain is excruciating to say the least.

Am you not fulfilled that she'd turn her back and leave it, as not how she've found it? Like a rose bush, do you let it just grow and don't attend to it. Or would you like the best aroma, color, healthy growing roses to display and enjoy the beauty, scent and gratification. Awh.... the choices in life is too complicated i say? Let it grow however it goes. No effort just wanting and waiting for a rose to bud and bloom for this.

She'd pleaded and begged for you to stop...to stop and to stop... I guess i'll end here, there's really nothing else to say because you had brought tears to her eyes today and you shouldn't have, you really shouldn't have. Truly tried, truly loved, and truly failed. Thus is the struggle the heart faces every single day. 

Now she hope it rains, and she'll walk in it so nobody can see her cry.

Evil thoughts on "love" (cringe)...

Some say that love is even more precious than the air we breathe, than the force of gravity, than the wind that pulls the leaves from the trees in the fall, than the illusions that we foster.  More precious than a gold and platinum crown, chased with oak leaves and fern tracings, with multifaceted diamonds, blood red rubies, and glowing green emeralds. 
Some say love is even more precious than a safe filled with stock certificates, platinum bars, bags of rare coins and uncut gems, old master portraits, and deeds to vast parcels of land. 

Some say love is definitely more exquisite than a Chateau Fontanac 1908, deep, fruity, a mysterious, somewhat presumptuous, but with guarded humor, its sarcasm muted by years of quiet maturation.  It laughs at itself and is yet not self depreciative.  Simply, a confident wine tempered with a touch of vulnerability.

Some say love is a nurse in a starched white uniform, holding a bag of plasma over your head, kissing you on the mouth, her free hand sliding beneath the covers and running along your inner thigh, exciting the hairs on your inner leg.

But I say, love is like being run over by a street car in 1928, losing your leg, becoming Edward Teller, inventing the atom bomb, and pretending not to be angry.

Love is a happy clown that commits hari kari with a letter opener, fresh from a "Dear Clown" letter just received from a harlequin wearing a black and white checkered tutu holding an opera mask with a stalk in her bejeweled left hand.  "My darling clown, stay away from my trailer, do not come to the stage door, and do not send me a letter, a flower, any article of clothing or baked goods.  If you do, I will slap you and hit you with my purses and if you dare touch me, or speak to me, or write me a note, I will have you gagged with rare earth."

When two person joins, it creates a natural chain reaction that leads to fission, releasing energy culminating in a vast explosion, the result of which is total a devastation, wiping away of all cities, crumbling away of continents, the destruction of mountain ranges, the melting of glaciers, the boiling away of oceans, the cracking of the planet, the collapse of the solar system, the galaxy folded in upon itself… the universe… gone.  Just because two people got involved.

Love is standing in a hallway with a belt tied around your upper arm and clapped between your teeth, pulling the blood in and out of a syringe not caring for anything else, except that you need it… you just got to have it.

Love is washing dishes in the tropical fish tank in the Sheraton hotel in the lobby in Osaka, Japan… and you look own to see a miniature diver with a helmet with bubbles coming out of it encrusted with algae and barnacles working at the bottom of the tank, repairing the telephone lines.

So, why love?  Why walk that road? Climb that flight of steps? Stand in that wind? 

I have 2 loves, westie and siaobiao and if I need another one, I will get a hamster. Hamsters are nice. They're very affectionate.  All you need is some shredded paper, a water bottle, some pellets and a cage… and they're fine. They stand up on their hind legs and hold a nut in their paws… and, they're very cute. You can watch television with a hamster in your lap. Who needs love?  All the trouble, the heartache, the expense, the posturing, the catering, the shame of it all. 
 
The calamity that always occurs from the concussion of man and woman.

Fate is a silly one she is....

So I keep trying to convince myself that I do not believe in her, but apparently... often I find that she believes in me. It's been a while since I have even taken the effort to see how she is doing... how things are going... She told me something the last time when I sought for her that both comforted and disturbed me.

It seems that everything is set up for our happiness... 99% is there, waiting... All it takes is for us simple-minded fools to do our 1% for things to be completed... for Heaven on Earth. 1%... doesn't seem like much... but you must understand that there is a tremendous difference between 1% of $1 and 1% of $1,943,654,777... and the catch of the entire system is our damned free-wills... we must accomplish 100% of our measly 1% or it doesn't matter... ends up more of a "close, but no cigar" situation...

How do we know what we are supposed to do?? It all is seated in "seek and ye shall find"... If one seeks something out... 100% whole-heartedly... they will find it... may not be what they expected... or even what they truly wanted... but they will find it...

99% guaranteed.

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I always tell that to myself, with that being said, and with my "wonderful" experiences, one may think me to be fairly strong by now... strong... or stupid. Either way, it seems, there is still so much to be learned.

We always find ourselves in "situation" sitting with Confusion once and perhaps too many times again. Though it seems like you hated his company, but you always answer the door when he calls. So now, you sit at a crossroads...accompanied by Confusion... waiting.. all the while trying to decide which path to take... the choice of two decisions before you as i can see it:

A: stay - take what you can, do what you can, embrace all the good from the situation that you are capable, hope for a better tomorrow

B: walk away - run, look for happiness elsewhere, try to distance yourself from the situation, hope for a better tomorrow

Hopefully you can get rid of him before he invites his friends for another party... which will, as usual, take you much effort to clean up after... alone.

Both will bring Pain and that is what gave Confusion the reason for being here with you, to taunt you... to allow the insanity to take control. You know that you need to make a decision and stick with it and accept the consequences, savor the flavor of your behavior. You need to be strong. But you are not so sure where the weakness lies... are you weak for staying, because you are unable or not willing to leave what seems to be causing yourself in this pain... or is it weakness to walk/run away, because you are unable to handle the situation itself.

Perhaps it just comes down to acceptance... perhaps that is where the strength lies... to accept the situation as it truly is... to make a decision respecting yourself, and accepting responsibility for the actions taken to achieve the sought after goal. 

The goal??

Truth, Love and Happiness - Peace.

Every you, every me.

For all our unknown battles and known conquers, every sight unseen and scenes brought to our eyes. It's completely uncontrollable nothing can be said enough or done. To only your lungs reminding you of life, your heart only if had, to be felt, cherished, adored and all those faint memories and tears to come. Unbarring your emotions, unleashing your fears only to embrace fate at it's finest. Embracing it or not is the only chance you have at really living. Destiny is not a myth.

Words and Colors.

Words they can irritate me so...seem so limiting...like lines in a coloring book. Big black stark lines, created by someone else, for us to stay within while attempting to express ourselves. 

How to become a master of these primitive tools...to truly express themselves... It's feelings that we are trying to express... and well, feelings were meant to be felt, not explained... I find the only way to express a feeling is to give someone a sample... a small taste of what it is like... a comparison, brought mainly through a parable... to spark some moment when they themselves have had the emotion brush their palette...

One also must choose their words carefully... many people through their lives have had "defensive mechanisms" installed in their minds... one wrong word and they pop up... full blast and will shoot down everything that comes out of your mouth after that without hesitation... you must to become a ninja.

My battle with these "words" is contstant... unlike coloring books which I got tired of filling in the blanks between the lines of someone else's creations... so, I began creating myself...

I still colour... passionately and neatly between the lines...Only now, I create the lines.

A Comfortable today Or An Unbelievable Tomorrow? 

I got a new assistant today and he's an idiot, no im serious, i just want to crush his head so bad! Ever noticed how some guys will fix up a car like it's a house? Ok, errr well i will respect that to some extend. Then he went on describing how he will take thousands of dollars and put it into rims and a paint job for his (i would imagine an ugly car by now) with custom made seats and televisions etc. etc. trying to impress the wrong person at the wrong day? Now this screams! Well, my point is every day you have this car it depreciates in value and yet you invest thousands into it, hah....no, it's ahahahaha!! What blows me off was when another idiot when 'waahhhhhh'!!! So when my sarcasm creeps in, i asked curiously and innocently so what about your future? how do you invest (you smart-ass)? He said: Nothing. Ok and i have generally nothing much to say to him. i just want him out of my range and i told my boss, nope, he's not going to work for me. So today i was being super-critical.

I can never understand why some would want to portray that they are rich and living large so they go buy 400 dollar shoes, a brand new car and add more non-values to it and they don't invest into their future. I'm not saying let's not have nice things ( i love good things too!!!) but take a look at your options and i go nuts when people tells me "nothing?" Nothing with their future?? When I hear people say if God wants me to be rich he'll make me rich. That is one of the most foolish statements I have ever heard!!! That just like me saying if God wants me to get dressed he'll dress me, if God wants me to com my hair, he'll comb it. It's my hair and it's my choice it's my responsibility! Don't we have to step out in faith and do our part towards securing our own future. You mean are people really that afraid to dream bigger for crying out loud.

It kind of occured to me that I've gotten extremely critical of people these days. It feels like with pretty much everything I can pick somebody apart with what they do or how they act. I analyze people and note their flaws and I am not even a shrink. I wonder what my deal really is. Am I becoming an asshole? Am I already one? Actually I do have one. At any rate, I was being told to lighten up on others by my buddy at work since it would just eventually lead to me becoming isolated. The problem is, I see so many of the same problems with everybody I meet. Everybody is unique and all to a degree, but people do pretty similar things. I just want to scream at them seeing it time and time again. I shouldn't let it frustrate me since I have no power over it. Thankfully I have power over what I do.

A Cryptic Declaration

When everything feels wrong and fate seems to be gently pushing you away from the direction you are going in....I can almost physically feel an ending. I don't feel a new beginning though. My ultimate the 7th sense is brutally accurate and everytime when such ass-senses creeps in, it scares me. I already knew that there will only be emptiness after this. So here we go...

What do you do when you lose your dream? Any dreams. Where do you go within yourself when everything you have ever wanted your whole entire life is not a reality. I can remember as a small child dreaming of the days when I was an adult. I wanted it all and i kinda have it all...but there's always something that's missing to complete me, something that I always wanted to do and that someone who understands me. Being the driving force behind everything I am, have done, and I thought would be. I feel the need for it to be gone, sometimes. Because of that dream it had make me weak, vunerable to those who take for their own needs. You see, people are afraid to waste their years of their lives trying to fufill a dream that cannot exist. So I stripped off my hopes, my dreams for a future and left with nothing to fill that void. Empty inside, a shell. It's just same shit but a different day everyday, and we live in it believing that there's no other alternatives. The tears are less, the panic is real. I try to venture out to connect but my pain which is so real, my feelings which are so clear are like a mask of pain I wear upon my face. My energy is lost sometimes where it bleeds from me with each breath. I look around and slow motion is what I feel. WTF, this is so drama!! Well the thing is I need all these to numb and not feel. Now sleep is another escape and I can only do so much, too much time wasted. Each time I try to close my eyes I see a face in front and I wake to see the vison had disappeared. I guess in time the feeling will pass. I wish I had it in me to forget and to walk away from my pain and move on, detachment still interest me. Perhaps someday I'll have a new dream and that dream depends on me only. Its hard to give up something you have wanted your whole life. I was chatting with a friend earlier and he raised a question for me to find out if I've given up on "friends"? That was too easy for me to answer in a split second....I said to him: I'll never give up on those whom does never give up on me.

Though I had wished there was someone to hold my hand through it then again I just don't want to drag them through the fire and here's to everything that was over sooner rather than later.


Losing sleep and cinders

I'm losing to much sleep nowadays. Keep staying awake till I'm ready to write and paint. About whats going on, a boiling point for me seems to be set around 1 am everyday. It's when my best and my worst seems to meet to form with what I wish to tell the world. So what is my message has anyone figured it out yet...

Maybe a hint will clue you in. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why. Once you have a answer come back and find what your looking for again. You don't have to enjoy this ride. I'm pretty sure if you have, then you're not been really a person at all. Monster. Aren't we all? Aren't we all breathtaking. I'm still holding mine. Comedy sheer comedy.

Tragedy is the name with a plan of death, a blueprint of destruction, and a way to get past the simple pleasures of man. Take what you will. Take it all. I don't need nothing, I need more.

Never having too much or too little, this is me. Never can you have too much, never will you not have too little. No matter how good it gets it's never gonna be good enough. Let me borrow a crowbar to open some eyes and it's over in a blink of the eye. Take it for granted and you'll find out the hard way it's not. I laugh at me.

Sit back and watch everything crumbles beneath our feet. Don't that sum up everything quite nicely. All you can do is watch as everything disappears.... Sometimes though you add to the destruction, why not? Make everything go away all that quicker does it not. Look I'm underneath your gun, telling me to act right or you'll hurt me and I'm not the only one, but I'll be the strongest. I've seen the end and it's a pretty sight, like looking at a picture of you burning, nice and warm, such a beautiful smile. What are you thinking of right now? I'll give myself some space no answer.

You have this thought to yourself now. Keep in mind to keep it in mind. Which way to go, without direction. Just wandering again. So one word answers. Makes me wonder. One word can give more meaning than a story. What do you mean when you say one word to me? Is it something I should comprehend? Something I should know in advance? Something I should never think to question? ..... or maybe it's just a lack of words to say. With a mind like yours I would expect the least, I can see an ocean of thoughts mixing and churning, shouldn't you spill them out? Drown me in what you have to say, I would enjoy each second. Won't be the first time it left me breathless.

Some burn bridges faster than they can build them back. Boot stomped fields line each side of this road. Can't turn back now...this is just the start of the battle where we haven't even got to see the front yet. This is weak. So wake up and meet the sun with a smile, always smile, a face that don't need a frown. 

Don't take my words as just that. Proliferation.... Something I need. Take these away from me, instead of putting more in my head.... Just the way it goes I guess, some never learn.

I couldn't look you in the eyes and I've tried. You leveled me. Take a step back and look around. Step outside yourself and see what you see. You better be smiling.

An Epiphany? No. More like, Collective Sobriety.

Today I woke up with you on my mind. Most would say that this statement is nothing new and different than the last endless number of years. Could they be different? There I go again, with another similar statement I've heard myself say before. I can't put this all into the 'right' words but when I thought of you, I didn't smile today. When I thought of you it felt like a pity, or maybe sadness? Exasperation? Or just plain exhausted!? I guess 1,000 adjectives could be inserted here, other than happy, peaceful or satisfied. Now that I think about it, it may have been that you were not the first thing on my mind and those things I felt were post realization or - expected.

I cannot quite pin point why this is happening now. After all these time? Maybe, and I hate to admit this... it's because I have tried so long to live up to my own 'laundry list'.  I may also be starting to realize that I was actually the lucky one. Not the other way around. That my broken heart is a "life saver", not an undeserving pain. Who the hell knows....but for once I didn't ask the question 'why not me'? It felt more natural to ask "who really cares anymore?" and now "does it even matter?"

The best way to describe it is sort of like having been in a vegetative state for some time and then one day waking up...talking...thinking and breathing on my own again. For me and not for someone else. Maybe it's temporary? Maybe it's the start to something more permanent? Regardless, I have been here (in this state of mind) one too many times and like all the other times, I was right back to where I started and that scares me.

I just hope that when I wake up tomorrow it is no different than today...Because if I smile when I think of you tomorrow, I'll know that my rollercoaster ride is about to begin all over again. They say that if you ride them too many times, it's only that much harder to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground when that ride is finally over.

Learn and beyond learned.

Today, it dawned on me, as I realized a lot about myself and life in general. I learnt things that I know will change who I am and other situations to be prevented and more understanding towards life.

Learnt, that it is definitely no one elses fault but my own. My decisions, chances, and moves I make in life are merely my own. Therefore, I let myself down when I shed tears and feel like I do. It was my decision to take that chance and think that someone would love me as I love them and overcome all obstacles to be together and make it work. It was my courageous decision to think that I put my trust in someone. It was my decision to overcome obstacles to know others would disagree and degrade me for who I am with who I love and want to be with. It was my choice to give it a try and put a little hope into it. So it was my decision to take the chance of a broken heart and know that I am but just what I keep hearing all the time, a good piece of my own advice. That was my choice to put myself in that position knowing all possibilities are what was being told and still being told. My choice to think and try otherwise that I may have been and not been loved and life being fully challenged with someone. So as some people say how stupid I am for letting some situations be without the choice for standing up for myself.......Yes stupid I may be, but a lot I learnt from it.

Just one lesson I didn't really want to learn by actions, rather should have learnt by others. Thats o.k. it just makes me a stronger person, and more aware of what I realized. Therefore more caution and realistic time and effort must be put forth if ever there should be someone who claims to love me and wants to be love by me. Till, then.......I know it will be just my simple life.

A heartbreaking situation that brought tears to my eyes that how I couldn't figure out what I was able to figure out someone. Well, it's not my duty to reckon out their actions or wrong doings. I do realize it's my fault my tears, because I chose to be there unconditionally with no ask of anything in return. Always there when needed, with the spirit of just being me. Ask and you shall receive, and I don't. Even if it is more than I should be or give, so it is truely my own fault for being such a person. My own doing of tears falling with bitter sorrow, this is inevitable so looks like it's just a few things left to say here.

Will I be that open and freely give my all to another chance of loving partner relationship? Will I be as kind and giving as I always am, even though I'd prefer not to do half the things I do for others, that ask of my efforts? Will I be able to ignore others needs to fulfill my own? Will I be more sturn in what is required to be a part of my life towards others? Or will I choose to be the same and keep getting the same results, but just reminding myself with each tear that falls or heartbeat that ache. That I did my best, I did my part, I did my deed, It was my choice, so just dust the dirt off and keep going even though you feel beaten and have no more energy to go forth. Smile, smile, smile and cry later?

It's my world, should you live in it or I live in yours? Funny....seems like I tried to believe as if it's ours but realized the contrary. Not because of someone else or someone did something, or said anything. Very unreliable and irresponsible way of living life. Letting others actions be accountable for your life and the situations that happen.

My realization and thoughts, I know my ownself better than others think they do and I take full responsibility for my failures is and may be. My set backs that happened and lets not forget for all the abundant good, joy, and simplicity of life I bring forth and pursue, my choices, my actions, makes my results and that makes my life.

I say hi while you said goodbye.

Tonight was nice. Lovely weather. Cooling the hot days ahead just a little bit. That was quite a nice suprise you've given me. A pleasure seeing you, as always. I'm terribly sorry about me seeming so far away to myself. I'm caught between many thoughts at the moment, and you are just one of them. Sad really.

I have learned to cherish what I have now and for those in the past, history is always history, that's because I did not learn and now not wanting to fail again, I chose strength to continue on through this mire. Give me Serenity to accept what I cannot change and more so the compassion for the weak, a prayer, thats what I need. I'm sure the consequences will be scoffed at, but thats alright. I'll learn to enjoy mockeries.

My chest hurts...feel like it's been emptied. I almost feel like crying as this hurts so bad. I guess I can play my part well and stay in character. Delightful... Behind this wall I call a smile I'm being torn asunder. I really would not mind a random bullet right now. You're terrified, afraid nothing is there...afraid something is there...keeps fearing and that is why I was there.
I think I'll not think. I feel kinda sick actually. Wish I could stop thinking about what went wrong and actually it could be...nothing.
Ever notice how I answer my own questions? I'm not sure why I do that...I've always done that it seems. Conversed with myself over things of importance to me.  A voice of reason, knowing reason knows nothing is the only thing I can believe is myself...How could I trust me? Have you not listened to a single word I've said?

I didn't think it would take this long to bleed out...trying to write a few good paragraphs. I'm just joking with you. I love your reactions just to shock.

Ah....I said so its life huh, is but a twisting set of paths, each one full of rocks and roots, ready to trip to dare you take your eyes off of it and this would be just another love I can do without. Can't we? To live, to breathe, to be, of being. Lovely this is, a tragedy like no other, I can hear the crowd, they applaud and cheer. Or was it? Did the writer forget to tell you your role in the end? So it is too bad, I guess we have found the finale wanting a little less more than it can give.

Whoever you are holding now in hand, without one thing all will be useless, the person who risks nothing, does nothing
has nothing and is nothing. A self-realisation is harder than self sacrifice.

Take care, and don't take the lead or you'll find yourself looking at the back of the pack... Despite your position as words are really and meaningless. I'll say I love you some other time when you're stronger and be strong.
    

A farewell dance, a midnight sun, starry skies lighting every step with my eyes closed.

How do you let go? I can't seem to quite understand the concept...keeping a memory alive means so much to me. Something about it is completely amazing to me. I couldn't think of anything that could mean more to something or something than to think of them always.

To know someone thinks about you and cares about you is a powerful thing, a very powerful thing. I think if you tell someone you were thinking about them, it is very special. I mean, we prioritize our days, even what we think about sometimes. But then sometimes, in those moments when our mind wanders away for just a few minutes, we think about what really matters to us, something we may or may not have, someone we once knew, or someone we know now, or maybe a certain food, or maybe a place....perhaps a certian song.

But back on subject - How do you let go of someone, something? Creating a memory is an amazing experience...knowing that you'll have that memory forever is without a doubt the best possible thing ever. So what if you want to just forget it? I mean sure, you could just kind of have parts of your brain removed...kind of extreme? Just a bit. What could you do?

In a way, I want to let go of how I feel...but I know it'd be some kind of lie. The thing is, I know it is just completely stupid to continue this, which is the other hand, to just forget about it. In a strange way, I probably let it all go quite a while ago, I just think that I...Maybe I want to believe that I have something to believe in, or have some kind of passion for.

Well...unexpected amazing things will happen, and unexpected unamazing things will also happen...I'm hoping that the unexpected amazing things turn out to last a lifetime....From the bottom of my heart, I'm excited in a place far from where I am...and that amazes me. Part of the journey is the leap and the faith that where you'll land, you'll end up being utterly amazed. I've never wanted more to just jump.....

Winning Streak


Amazing grace taking off without a trace.

The taste of smoke and it's getting more unbearable. Im filling out my lungs. Nicotine high. God help us all.

My sentences are fragments I know, but they really aren't sentences at all. More thoughts that are wrote out than structure and form. No need, when the mind thinks it does not play out straight lines, there are thousands of directions each thought is pulled from. So I'll take this as my moment of clarity. I need these thoughts sometimes, I haven't had a proper one in days. It's quite distrubing. I do not enjoy this silence at all, I'd much rather have a million thoughts in my head not giving me a damn inch of breathing room than just this all encompassing silence. Not at all the release I was looking for.

Feels like shackles, my eyelids are heavy. I need alittle sleep I think. Sleep.. Blah, I can't sleep without dreams, with dreams come nightmare, and with nightmares I see you. I just can never seem to save you in my nightmares... Probably my worse fear is not being able to save you from whatever may be threatening you. Sad, perhaps. Maybe it's just my subconscious slaying what it believes to be a harbinger of despair? Doing a favor? When these two rage against one another Conscious and Subconscious one would wonder how either could win without losing at the same time. Maybe there is no victory. Defeat always come no matter the longest streak of wins, everyone knows that.

Ugly truth but truth nonetheless. Enjoy wins while you can.

Stop.



For memories, a time for love and a time for letting go

Imagine if we all had perfect timing in our relationships. Well not perfect, but almost perfect. Imagine if the first time something went wrong or the first time we see a pattern of bad behavior from the other party involved, we could tell without a doubt if the problem is something that can be worked out or if it is time to put an end to the relationship. No one wants to waste time in a relationship that is bound for failure. 

It's odd how life works. It's true that there is always that one person that you just can't say goodbye to. It is also true what "they" (who exactly is this "they," anyway?) say-when one door closes, a new one opens.

So exactly why do some people hold on to relationships? Is it the fear of starting over from scratch? Do they feel like they cannot do any better than the relationship they are in? Maybe it is fear of the unknown. They know their situation is bad but at least they know the situation, but they fear letting go because they have no idea what awaits them out there.

It is not funny to me anymore on how things that hurt us the most usually seem so complicated, and we usually ignore the situation...and we always find ourselves with the same comfort.

We fear what we want most.

We fear what we want the most…Love, Monogamy, Marriage..The same people who hate those words, crave those words. How could that be? The same exact people who are afraid of commitment...The ones that never fully let go and end up running away. Are the hopeless romantics who dream of meeting that special person and settling down together... start a family... living happily in harmony?

How can a girl who's willing to change her last name for a man be afraid of taking his engagement ring and why would a guy who wants to meet his future partner act like such an asshole around women? It's a paradox and a contradiction, or so it seems. I am one of these people. Sometimes it's hard to figure out why.

These are people who've learned too well from their mistakes. They have also learned from the mistakes of others around them, specifically their pasts. On the exterior surface, they may seem cold and distant at times, or on the contrary, some become overly emotional...The truth is that something so real scares them more than anything. The depth of their thoughts are something that they do not wear on their sleeve. Our emotions and feelings are so strong and our standards are so high, that we honestly expect disappointment. Not only do we want it, but we want it now!

Why waste another 2 years on some chump? Screw up, just fuck up now, so I can move on with it. So the cycle begins again...These are the same people who walk away from true love. These are the same people who stay and then are proven that it wasn't worth it.

Sometimes, we fear the very thing that we want most of all. What we must learn is not to fear love, but to embrace it. Open your heart and let it in. It's very easy for these people to flip a switch and shut it all off. Sometimes, it's better to feel nothing at all it seems. But if you feel the pain and backlash of a broken heart, rejoice in the fact that you are still alive with feelings left to hurt you. If you fell on your face and it didn't hurt, then you'd really wonder what was wrong with you. So, why not now?

Although things may never go the way you would like your stepping stones in life to head up hill or should I say down that yellow brick road. At least I know there are people out there a long my side whether near or far, to give hope or dismay, that makes you want to keep challenging yourself through the obstacles in life.

There are setbacks, broken hearts, misfortune, sickness, your empty cup seems to never get half way full. But the thought and the drive to make things alright, that hope and faith you know you got keeps pushing you to fly, the inperations and goodness that gets the fire of desire to do whats right and keep striving for a good and humble life. Even the mystery of the unknown to what suppose to be on time, or planned to ones knowlegde, is a forever growing self that overcomes and becomes stronger in areas we least know of, courage, faith, tolerance, kindness, unconditional love, care, and humbleness. Without those features within your spirit, what a world this place would be among the turmoil that most people can't claim or phanthom to dispare such agony. And what a world it would be if we were just to lazy and selfish to overcome with positivness rather than bitterness and hate.

When I think about it, I thank those that walk behind me, before me to follow and most of all those beside me! Such is life! Make the best of it, regardless your position in life, spiritually, mentally, physically or financially. As long as you breathe there you exist in this phenomenal world and why not make it outstanding?

What a tangled web we weave

Today it seems appropriate for me to say this.

I have to untangle some things in my life to be free of this web that threatens to consume my soul. I promised all of me to one man alone. To share my most initmate secrets and desires with him only. That man has now turned his back on me, believing that I have betrayed him and any number of things on any given day. I just don't know and I am really not sure I care anymore, I am getting numb now. I don't like it, I need it to survive but I don't want to go there again. Its not a good place.

Last night laying in bed trying to find my source, my light and my inner peace. A picture developed in my minds eye. It was similar to those we used to do while sitting in the doctors office as kids. You know the ones...find whats wrong with this picture...fish flying, dogs in a nest, etc. Except mine was more like what's missing...birds without wings, fish with no water, an empty cradle, a home with no windows, a car with no wheels, a tree with no roots and no light. It was very dark feeling.
I wish I was an artist, i could never call myself as one. Where's my friend jenny that i adored when I needed this hand to paint this picture of me. She comes and go finding and searching for the right time. Somethings missing. To many things are missing, where and how did I lose them, how did I not see it before? I feel that at some point recently there has been a slight glimmer of things being filled in for me. Is it really up to someone else to complete this picture of me? Why can't I do it myself? Who am I really deceiving in my web, me? You? Who?

I am drained. The meds that have helped in the past haunt me, the call to me, the craving is getting so hard to stop. I am failing myself, my love, my family and what friends that remain. I can't breathe and the pressure is getting to be to much.
Who will catch me if I fall? Who will be the one to understand and walk this lonely road with me? Who will fill in whats missing that I cannot? Paint for me, draw, write, complete this picture that needs the light and filling in of those missing pieces. They have been penciled in mere shadows that are being erased as I write. I am scared.

How is it possible for me to feel like this, see this in me, yet feel, function and pretend. I need to stop that. There are things in my life that are going extremely well that should make me happy, but like i always said to myself that it is the leg of sadness lies light on the knee of laughter. I think again maybe she is truly the only one that ever really understood me. 

Concepts of life behind the shields


Concepts of life behind the shields... open the doors to reveal the truth, the truth you dont know... still i sit and ponder the events of the past weeks not knowing where these thoughts will go...

I want a touch of warmth of rays of oranges and reds blown onto this skin.... Not the touch of an unsure night, But of the nights that were sweetly greeted by the mornings light and arms about my waist... Do you dare to drink of these lips that are willing to quench your thirst and leave you with a sweetend taste....

Im content just to watch, just to wait and let the golden garden bring forth that which the lonely nights had left barren for so long... Can these hands that shower love bring forth a sprig of trust and admiration... We will see... Can these arms that hold so tightly bringing true feelings to the surface shelter you in there embrace... We will see.      

I am just fine being the cool one... im just fine being lukewarm for a bit... no hot for yous, and no cold sholders..just warm smiles and happy faces... dont let rivers flow for me... just take me in make me one with you... accept me like i know you will... Birds come to greet me in the morning in the castle rooms i lay basking in the joy of the situation...i would imagine.

Pieces of me i see in you all and i relate more with you then any others ive ever known.... im glad i found you... hope the feeling is never ending... love of my heart is never just given in short amounts, i glow with affection... take in however much a dose you want.

But it's not there anymore.

Understanding

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places that you didnt know you had inside you, like it doesnt matter how many tattoos you get, or gyms you join, or how many beers you drink with your friends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that moment you could think that you were that happy. Sometimes you could even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up on your doorstep...and after all that, however long all "that" may be, you will go somewhere new...and you will meet people who make you feel worth while again...and the little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff from the years of your life you've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade...unless you dont want it to...i hope you dont want it to.