An Epiphany? No. More like, Collective Sobriety.

Today I woke up with you on my mind. Most would say that this statement is nothing new and different than the last endless number of years. Could they be different? There I go again, with another similar statement I've heard myself say before. I can't put this all into the 'right' words but when I thought of you, I didn't smile today. When I thought of you it felt like a pity, or maybe sadness? Exasperation? Or just plain exhausted!? I guess 1,000 adjectives could be inserted here, other than happy, peaceful or satisfied. Now that I think about it, it may have been that you were not the first thing on my mind and those things I felt were post realization or - expected.

I cannot quite pin point why this is happening now. After all these time? Maybe, and I hate to admit this... it's because I have tried so long to live up to my own 'laundry list'.  I may also be starting to realize that I was actually the lucky one. Not the other way around. That my broken heart is a "life saver", not an undeserving pain. Who the hell knows....but for once I didn't ask the question 'why not me'? It felt more natural to ask "who really cares anymore?" and now "does it even matter?"

The best way to describe it is sort of like having been in a vegetative state for some time and then one day waking up...talking...thinking and breathing on my own again. For me and not for someone else. Maybe it's temporary? Maybe it's the start to something more permanent? Regardless, I have been here (in this state of mind) one too many times and like all the other times, I was right back to where I started and that scares me.

I just hope that when I wake up tomorrow it is no different than today...Because if I smile when I think of you tomorrow, I'll know that my rollercoaster ride is about to begin all over again. They say that if you ride them too many times, it's only that much harder to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground when that ride is finally over.