What a tangled web we weave

Today it seems appropriate for me to say this.

I have to untangle some things in my life to be free of this web that threatens to consume my soul. I promised all of me to one man alone. To share my most initmate secrets and desires with him only. That man has now turned his back on me, believing that I have betrayed him and any number of things on any given day. I just don't know and I am really not sure I care anymore, I am getting numb now. I don't like it, I need it to survive but I don't want to go there again. Its not a good place.

Last night laying in bed trying to find my source, my light and my inner peace. A picture developed in my minds eye. It was similar to those we used to do while sitting in the doctors office as kids. You know the ones...find whats wrong with this picture...fish flying, dogs in a nest, etc. Except mine was more like what's missing...birds without wings, fish with no water, an empty cradle, a home with no windows, a car with no wheels, a tree with no roots and no light. It was very dark feeling.
I wish I was an artist, i could never call myself as one. Where's my friend jenny that i adored when I needed this hand to paint this picture of me. She comes and go finding and searching for the right time. Somethings missing. To many things are missing, where and how did I lose them, how did I not see it before? I feel that at some point recently there has been a slight glimmer of things being filled in for me. Is it really up to someone else to complete this picture of me? Why can't I do it myself? Who am I really deceiving in my web, me? You? Who?

I am drained. The meds that have helped in the past haunt me, the call to me, the craving is getting so hard to stop. I am failing myself, my love, my family and what friends that remain. I can't breathe and the pressure is getting to be to much.
Who will catch me if I fall? Who will be the one to understand and walk this lonely road with me? Who will fill in whats missing that I cannot? Paint for me, draw, write, complete this picture that needs the light and filling in of those missing pieces. They have been penciled in mere shadows that are being erased as I write. I am scared.

How is it possible for me to feel like this, see this in me, yet feel, function and pretend. I need to stop that. There are things in my life that are going extremely well that should make me happy, but like i always said to myself that it is the leg of sadness lies light on the knee of laughter. I think again maybe she is truly the only one that ever really understood me.