When nothing can fill the hole in your heart.

I was pondering today about defining certain emotions that I couldn't even recall. There is a certain devastating emptiness that I have felt since. I am coming to realize that maybe that's not it at all. It is a feeling of great loss. Grief. Overwhelming grief I feel as though someone very dear had died. It's crushing. In the past I would try to fix it by clinging to people get needy and desperate. I used to let this get the better of me. Somethings must have changed me now that I'm a more able person I've decided to take the route of stepping back, distancing myself, pushing people away, being emotionally independent. 

It's funny how we try so desperately to patch up holes in our hearts. We go about searching for lovers, for relationships, masking things. Some people take pills, some people do drugs. Maybe when it all comes down to it the solution is finding our soul-mate and feeling completed. Does that help? I wish that was a solution. 

All the ridiculous, frustrating, heart wrenchingly painful games that men and women play. Is it just a distraction from some inner pain? I think that "anxiety" is really just the mind trying to distract itself from some inner pain that is too intense to handle at that given time. Instead of falling on the floor sobbing we panic and then try to figure out what it is that we're so worked up about.  It's harder to come to terms with the real issue than it is to claim "anxiety" and mask it. 

Or this could all be a bunch of nonsense.  Who's to say?

You know what? I really don't give a damn anymore. If I was to tell the truth, be it said, and be it heard. I'll laugh before I let loose a statement so you'll know I'm hiding my real words. Just like before, say hi. You don't need to understand what I'm speaking of to hear my message.

I'm alright. No actually I'm not alright. I'm tired...I'm very tired. Tired of trying to make sure that everyones worlds keep spinning and tired of watching mine get destroyed by the envious who despises me with every other step I make. I'm so tired, I want to just go to sleep at least there I can listen to my predetremined thoughts instead of the babble that spills from all your wretched hellmouths. God....! I am good with words to manipulate? Ahaha....this is what I thought about jealousy will eats you for this instance, when you are less able to write, less able to achieve with your weak minds which you think you are creative and less able to share with your sick hearts, you had wished but I am.

I'd like to take this time to applaud everyone I've ever known. Pat yourself on the back. You know what? No... not everyone, some of you don't deserve to be fitted with the commonman. Some of you are actually good people and I love the some of you. It's few among many, but still. Ahhh the seed of man, watch it grow into a weed. I do love a happy ending.

I just want a peace of mind for once... For one second I'd like to see what it's like not to have too worry about everything. Don't think I don't have to worry about things, I should flay you head to toe for thinking that....

Anytime now... Anytime... It's time.