Introspection. 

If only I'd thought not to leave my heart on public display from the getgo things would probably be a great deal different for me now. Maybe then I wouldn't have to spend so much time wondering how life would be for me if I had turned out to be one of those people that spent their entire life resenting. I may be mistaken with this one, but I believe I've read something a while ago that the human brain doesn't finish fully developing until some point in adulthood, counting back, I must hace past that period though I hope there's still time for me to retrain certain aspects of mine. I've spent years downplaying the need for the treatment of certain emotional conditions for a while with modern medicine. But maybe i need to just suck it up. Maybe i need something else? I've never wanted to believe that we live in a world where a solution can just be swallowed and digested and like magic there's your medicinally altered persona. Just the way you thought you wanted to be. But lots of things are changing all the time so i'm sure i'm wrong as with many other things. I'm sure my distant yet undying hope for an underlying glimmer of faith in humanity in me is a futile one. Collectively we just don't have the heart and flying solo i just feel that something's amiss. I wish like hell that i felt i had good reason to maintain the childhood hearted me who hoped for disney movie endings for all people in all endeavors but that's just ridiculous. I want to have all the things that i'd spent my years planning for myself while i can still be called young. I want to have some bigger dream to fall back on instead of the fickle flighty one that i've been calling my reason for being for such a long long time now. What a friggin' mistake that's been. I just want a solid answer. I just want to say that i'm able to believe in something so that i can communicate with him/her/it and never doubt what i feel in my head or heart resulting from that communication. There is some certainty in all the uncertainty upon which i'm so terribly bent but only the kind that perpetuates confusion and lack of reason and endless spirals of anti-answers. i just don't think i can count on that happening for me and i think i'd feel false unto myself to try to force a thing like that into my life. It's like it's all i can do to stand cold eyed pensive and worrisome before the floodgates watching the tiniest sprinkle of leaks begin to spring and build upon itself until the earth under me rumbles and the walls begin to shake and then falter. But i find no reason to move even an inch and inevitably, the flood rushes through with its mighty waters rolling forth with me in its pathway and my final thoughts are comfort in familiarity as i know that this is a place that i have been before and will remember all too well. I only hope that this time it will take me to a consciousness from within from which i might never sleep. Maybe this is the heart I claim to seek.