So when life hands you lemons....

I suppose you should be thankful it isn't giving you a handful of shit. I'm in such an odd mood lately. Half happy, half depressed, seems like that would be just in the middle and therefore perfectly normal, right? Not really, I have been very emotional today after speaking to some very important person in my life. A conversation that sets me off with the slightest. Does anyone truely know who they are? I mean, we are constantly changing and between keeping up with work, and family, and friendships, and relationships it is easy to loose track of ourselves. You came to the conclusion that most of my life is a contradiction and just when you think it is starting to get easier, and I am finally getting it together, from somewhere in left field comes a monkey wrench and I'm starting all over.

Who am I... That, as I said, is a rather simple question. I seem to have pulled everything together. Maybe you're right that perhaps my biggest mistake over the years is depending on the wrong people for too long and trying too hard to turn something into nothing. Therefore I am such a contradiction. I don't mean to be but I just have a seriously inability to make up my mind when it comes to "somethings". I wish I knew what that stemmed from. Ok so sometimes I do plan things far in advance to avoid making last minute decisions, I guess we know why through experience. You are contradicting me when you said I have this natural leader like quality which always leaves people depending on me for an answer, a decision, which is funny when I can't even decide what I want to eat for dinner. I don't like it. It really does go so much further then that, but you're right about the biggest contradiction in my life which falls in my love life, I don't find it hard to see this one coming, ha!

So there is this part of me loves the idea of settling down, but then at the same time I think, it be awesome to just be single forever, enjoy what I have and let you always always telling me to live to my fullest!! See, complete opposites. I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle all the time which is not what I want and is therefore rather unsatisfying. Damn... Somewhere in the back of my mind is this ideal storybook romance that involves clouds and dancing... but then I think, wow, thats lame... hmmm... And I mean, I know there's a lot of awesome guys so what exactly is my problem? Perhaps I am just too afraid to risk it all, but then, I risk plenty often enough reaching for something extraordinary.

Perhaps it goes back to love, see I have always had this wacky sense of love and always felt the need to have as much of it as possible. But as much as I want love, I keep people at a distance. I rarely let people in and usually the people I let in are the ones I know will disappoint me, why exactly do I set myself up for failure? See, I told you we rarely know ourselves, I do tend to push people away and it's statistically proven. See, once again, you're right I am such a contradiction, I want love, to be loved, to love, yet I push away the people that attempt to love me. Oh it is exhuasting to be me, but it's also beautiful to live life with such passion. Ahhh, another contradiction.

I would a write an invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation? So now you think you know me more than me as if I would not know what to do when life hands me lemons.....