Nature vs Nurture

I'm not going to lie and say that this post was spontaneous. This has been a long time coming. Nature vs nurture is something that weighs heavily on my mind, but for different reasons that many people have for discussing it. Such as, is the serial killers lust for blood because he was born without a conscience, or because his mother did not hug him? Or the ever famous is a gay born a gay or does the things that his parents expose him to make him gay.

"You weren't enough" was the overtone of the argument. This goes back more than a decade. See I did as I always do and I filled myself with hope that it would be different this time, but people do not change. Their spots remain the same. Unfortunately, he will remain dear to my heart as he always has, but now he is bathed in a new light that will not let me forget. I am thankful for that.

Back to the nature vs nurture comment, and theme of this rant. Some people grow up being told that they are the center of their parents world. I did not hear this growing up. I always felt that I was more a burden than a joy. At the slightest issue in my youth I was told repeatedly how worthless I was. It is possible that I am only remembering the bad parts of my childhood but cest la vie. So compound that with every breakup, some because of me, the others I still feel were my fault. I was not enough. If you flash back a few years to a time when I was happy in a new relationship that I held much hope in. (This, again is not the only thing that contributed to the way I feel, just another example).  I did not have a care in the world. I was not cautious as I should have been. I almost gave it all up.

The last attempt at happiness was a complete folly on my part. The truth was hidden and brought to light and before I walked away I was not enough for that.

So my nature (and close friends) tell me that I am an amazing person. I have a lot of love to give for the right person. My passion is great and I throw myself in to things with all my heart.

Nurture tells me that I am not enough. Events long past surface when people start to speak of the ways that I cannot make them happy. It is like a bad dream as faces flash inside my eyes of the many men that have spoken nearly to the letter the same words. Faces blend together and they become one voice, one face. Many of them beg my friendship as a consolation prize, it is a request that I have granted to few.

I am told by many that the man who completes me is out there. The one that will be there, due to nurture pulling ahead I do not believe them. Another in a string of worthless words that will haunt me as they walk away. Many of them have left me to find their true happiness. I can not begrudge them this but their words echo in my head all the same.

In conclusion, nature vs nurture in my life are waging a war, and fortunately, I've learnt that nature should win sometimes.