Shooting ducks in fishbowl.

Why waste time when there is not enough time to waste, i ask myself that while lazily lounging and pondering where i'm at and why i'm still here? I do think positively, i just don't do it enough when it's nessassary. Another generalization come to life in print for all (no one) to see.

Sometimes it's best to just lock the door and pretend you're not home.

Somewhere along the line real life communication with another human being is essential to having a normal existence. Times have changed, because these days people can hide away on the internet and post their thoughts and ideas in weblogs, probably get feedback from the other internetonians and be happy? Because all that face to face talk is too personal, and not wide spread enough. So unless your a public performer who spouts off at the mouth about whats haunting you to whoever is there to see you. So now with the internet you don't need a soapbox to stand on, and you don't need to work hard to attact crowds.

Personal communication and development is (can be) hindered by this inpersonal "cold" device. Right at this moment, I am only talking to myself.

I've felt at times that trying to convey real emotion and thoughts on whatever i'm feeling here is rather stagnant, these on a screen, they are in fact just "words". I'm sure there is a real life human being behind the words, typing away, expressing their innermost thoughts on the subject just as clearly as a person does, but it doesn't hide the disapointment when the words stop, when the user behind the words is gone without a response. The way I look at this is a betrayal and causes distrust in the machine and in the my own cognitive self for having let something so cold harm me in such a way i feel like normal comminication and trust is broken by bad experiences. I can stand up and spout to whoever is listening just how bad a day i've had and i may get some chipper responses. That's not the point, because it's this annoynimity that causes us to let our guard down. We open up, or in some cases "fess up" to things we hardly ever would to real people. Random thoughts that start somewhere and end somewhere else without much connection, become' after a while  uninteresting and you'll lose alot of the  "punch" you originally intended.

I'm good at sidetracking..anyway..

My friend from US is back and made me laugh at what dorks we are, so i can't complain about the momentary happiness that produced. I'm sure in the end i'll be disappointed when it disolves, but i should be the optimistic person i proclaim to be.

Either way life is futile and we all end up the same, so at least i have something i know for sure.

You'll never get over this.

That was my hand to hold. That was my heart to own. That was my soul to take down into the deepest reaches of debauchery and carnal decay. It's my partner in this devil's dance, in this savage garden of lies.

You never announce your run. You never made a sacrifice. So this feels like letting go of someone's hand. Doesn't it?

Speechless.

You think I would have blogged sooner. Or at least more frequently. Somethings I was blogging about ended, at least in a future-sense. So so much as happened, yet I have remained speechless. I don't know why.

I looked at it as a fresh start, a clean slate, a blank piece of paper. This time, I know where the road go, I recognise some of the faces, I'm not naive to the pretentiousness or the narcissm that flows down the streets like an open sewer.

I guess I know what to expect. I'm not bitter, perhaps I wish that I was somewhere else... I'm just speechless. Perhaps I wasn't even ready.

What I've learned (latest edition)

Relationships, this is a big one though along the way, got my heart broken, but discovered the followings: Creative man are generally only good for one thing. They are always good for that one thing, but don't hold your breathe for more. If it happens, great... question it, but don't push it away, and above all, don't expect it. I am pretty much an expert at this point. I told myself at the beginning of the year I wasn't dating any more creative guys, I am keen on keeping it that way. Creative + guys = Run, and don't look back. No matter how much you care about someone, if they can walk away from you, let them go. Hanging on to someone will only make them run away faster. Let them go. As hard as it is to believe, eventually you will meet someone else whom you like just as much or more, and bonus- they will be trying to be with you too.

Love, isn't this one fun. I have discovered that you can know almost from the start who you will love, or could love eventually. Often this is mistaken for love, but it's not. Love is not definable. It changes in every situation so don't try to define it, and don't look for it. If you love everyone you date after a month, you probably don't really love all of them, either you are horny, or you are confusing your ability to love them one day, with loving them now. Loving someone requires sacrifice, you have to care about them more then you care about yourself without losing yourself. You won't have a healthy relationship until you know who you are, loving yourself, and knowing what you want.

Friendship, as I mentioned before I have really grown in alot of my friendships, my friends are my family, with those that I can go 3 months without talking to them and then just pick up right where we've left off are absolutely the best. They are the ones who stand by you, and the ones you will have the longest relationships of all.

So then, are some more realizations I have come to lately.

Hot! Stewing in own juices.

The weather is taking a serious toll on me in my every day life at this point, too hot to do a damn thing, especially things I need to do.  A lot of my friends are in rough situations too, so, in my own paranoid way, I am making a connection between this copious amount of hot days and the general decline of myslef and my friends.  I feel tired, hot and pissed all the time, even A.C. isn't much of a consolation, since I know eventuallly I will have to venture out again. It needs to rain too, but every time after it rained it didn't seem to help the heat, it just got more humid.

I'm buying a space station to live on as soon as I'm a Made Man.

Don't beg the question.

The horrible truth is it's all useless. The name. The face. You'll forget it in the fall. Iwonder what's more important. The memory or knowing nothing at all. You've polished your skin. Gave into the self-destructive thoughts. And I watched you all along. I would buried you in the melting snow.

Pavement.

Sometimes when I think back in my life I wonder what happened to the things and the places that make me who I am. The friends I had as a kid. The long and dark pavement grown with bushes along both side park that I walked through to get to school. How everytime it rained the canal would fill up and water would overflow onto the bridge, how I was almost too afraid to cross because I pictured myself being carried away.

This as much as i could remembered during my childhood. Everything seemed like a dream.

The consequences of life and love...

I recently heard that random smiling and keeping a grin on your face can actually affect your brain chemistry for the better. So I decided to try it today. Sitting at the airport lounge having and smiling away. Then I started feeling a little better about waking up early on catching my weekly day trip to KL. I smiled after my meetings, work and throughout most of the day and I started thinking about how glad I am to be alive and how lucky I am. It works, wierd. Attitude is really everything, so, yay.

When I touched down back home this evening, I received a shocking message from my youngest brother telling me that he is getting a divorce. I called immediately to find out what had happened. I could hear him crying across the line, and after hearing him, I said to him: "If you've did your best and it's not good enough for her, let her go". But why? You see, there is nothing you can do or change when someone said to you that they have feelings for someone else... and these are the words the had tore my heart into pieces. I know actually how my brother had felt at that moment and if there's anything that I could do for him now to make him overcome this pain, I would.

I read this from a poetry book a friend gave me 3 years ago. After talking to my brother, I picked it up again like I did 8 months ago to read about the consequences of life and love...

"Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Maybe when the door of happiness closed, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives."......

....."Giving someone all your love is never assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart: but if it does not, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. There are moments in life when you will miss that someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do."......

....."May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trails to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born you were crying and those around you were smiling, live your life so when you die, you will be the one smiling and those around you will be crying."

There you go, an end to a cheesey sequence of the two big hemispheres of my brain and a broken marriage.

A thought.

It's profound, the way that life escapes you when you're chasing loss.  Not until you stop and give up can you truely walk. It's never enough. 

My dreams and smoke screens.

A lot had happened since I last poured it all out of my fingers through the keys and onto the screen on this thing. Last saturday I went to a wedding which I total forgot about it until the very day. Obviously leading up to that I can't really say I'd been looking forward to it at all, namely for selfish reasons though. It was a nice wedding however serving a 13 course that such gluttony should be made illegal. For the most part, that wedding reception conjured up feelings in me that I don't even want to think about. Primarily a distant bitter sense of distrust and a knowing smug grimmace at the face of everlasting faithfulness until death do us part so on and forth. Although I think it's something I'd like to try someday. But what i've learned through my own experiences in combination with what I've learned from watching family, friends and relatives split up in combination again with the occasional piece of advice regarding marriage delivered unto me by my father amidst some sort of marital predicament or other (which usually amounts to something to the effect of 'don't do it') is that most peoples' chances of keeping happy and monogomous until death are all but slim to none. I think i've learned over the past years that if I really want to, most of the time I can shake off my stints of depression by just focusing and doing something productive or beneficial to myself or to other people...i e riding on the ambulance with the squad. I feel doubt and futility there less than i do anywhere else. Now i just want to know what it is that i can use to help restore my sense of faith in humanity to the point that i might keep in my heart this dream to someday settle down and make a humble happy home with someone i love. i want to know what it is that'll get me to confidently look forward to my tenth and twentieth and thirtieth wedding anniversaries instead  of my midlife crisis with a couple of kids in middle school and a subsequent divorce hearing and then circling back around and starting all over in my late thirties or fourties or fifties finding myself right back where i am now tyring to re-partner up and hopefully still die happy and fulfilled only now with one long about resulting in an 0&1 record with regret but knowing I'll need to move on with things and do my best to not consider that I'd failed the ones i love.

I just want to die happy.

Being selfish isn't always a bad thing.

Seeing as I am with me all the time, it only makes sense that I would take care of myself as best as I can and as I see fit...

Sucks that we miscommunicate sometimes. I miss things. Important things. Like answers to questions that I need to know the answers to. Maybe it's the stars and planets that are to blame. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's you. Who knows? Maybe it's the noise around us that is preventing me from hearing. I don't know. Wish I did, because I'd blast it.

Feel exasperated and misunderstood and separated from things. My head hurts and I am sleepy, but my heart is churning and questions of the well being are flooding my mind... frustrated to say the least, but I let it go, figuring we would do something productive with our time.

I just simply wanted to be at home. I like it here. My hurry to come home? To remember who I am, because sometimes I forget and it helps to relearn myself as much as I can.

Forgiveness runs deep as a well in me and I understand... love love love you. You know i do.

Clearer.

So how do I say, it has been an amazing but crazy past 12 months... Things just have gotten way to mind boggling. Being away from the person that makes me me... I figure if I write about it, I can look back in a couple of weeks and hopefully know more of how I feel.. I have been reading more, looking at things way more clearly and ultimately changing in many ways, now how do I prove it. Thats a question I ask myself but I shouldn't force it, so I am in a hard place.

What is being happy? What makes someone happy? Seeing them happy makes me happy, and me being happy makes them happy? I don't know, these are few of the questions I have been asking myself. Maybe I read into too much.. but that's love!

It doesn't matter now.

When i think about the past it all amounts to hardly anything at all.....I didnt get the life i wanted though i am grateful for what i have... i really am. sadly, I didnt get the feelings i gave in returned. Not complaining.

The past talks, no wait it was the horrible silence that crept upon my ever waking moment...oh that "true blue to me" silence that would only be there for me... Seems like that is  the only thing true about the past. Why should i care.... but oh wait there was something there, maybe my heart.....

I should have listened to my instincts my judgement never could have been more dead on that i should never have requested anything so as that it wouldnt bother me. Foolishness got this knife stuck through my heart and i am the one to blame...not my past.

The only thing i can do now is do like i always say "wake up".... Seems kinda funny that i have to do that something i never thought i would have to do...and so that is what i should do.

Besides it doesnt matter now.

Gratification, I'm just fine.

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention that there seems to be something missing in me. I thought to myself WTF are you talking about. Then carefully examined myself (my previous blogs mentions the process and what I found, I won't reiterate it here).

Missing someone, someone whom brought so much light and love to my otherwise dead life. I also know that the one whom was writing the script on my blank pages of my heart, that stopped. Its partially what is missing.

Another key ingredient for what's been missing in me was self-gratification. My focus has been so scattered and drawn like a tight-rope. I don't like walking that line.

I am alot of things but I am not going down without a fight for myself. I know myself very, very well and the only thing I fear besides lizards, closed spaces and dark corners is losing myself to someone else or what they think I am. I should never have to prove my love or myself to anyone.

There are way to many opportunities in this world for one persons opinion of me to control me. I don't think I'm perfect, but I do deserve better then this.

There has to be more, and I got to take care of it....

I'm flustered. I am trying so hard to balance being a me and find somehow somewhere how to fit personal, intimate happiness into the mix. I don't know how other others do it. I am so burned out, maybe its just that its been going on for so long now that I have become accustomed to doing it all and not paying attention to my personal needs.

I have taken a step back and re-evaluated myself, my life and what I want. I want to work, be with someone, and be a friend; how do I manage to keep those all up in the air without losing some sacred part of me. I don't know what to do. Perhaps the need to simplify my life, cut all extraneous stuff and just be for a bit. I can't even do that!!! There are so many demands of my time and resources that I am absolutely spent.

I need a release, somewhere to fall, I know what I'm missing, I need to talk, I need to cry, I need to be held (emotionally works too) and just be a woman for a little while.

Is this desire?

Desire. Such a strange feeling. It infiltrates me almost constantly... I can usually get by just noticing the desire and allowing it to be there without necessarily acting on it right away...sometimes my desires are so huge there is no way to fulfill them that i can see. I've never been here before. I realize I can put my desire anywhere I choose. Doesn't have to be on anyone. Didn't fit anybodys desires, so that absolves mine completely...solves that problem. Trouble is, it hurts.

Wisen up and lift your chin. No more time to be wasted feeling shitty. We don't wallow here. But sometimes it feels good.

There's got to be more to life.

Have you ever felt numb to everything going on in your life? Do days or even weeks pass you by, and things just don't feel real or tangible? I find myself just kind of existing, but not in an actual reality. More of a feeling of being trapped in a dream that I can't wake up from. I'm waiting or searching for something, but I haven't a clue as to what it is. These days I suffer from sleep deprivation, which can actually cause serious mental issues, but I don't think my it is that severe. Maybe this lack of sleep is causing all my feelings of listlessness. Most of my friends know that I am not quite all there all the time, but they usually just let me exist in my own little world I guess you'd call it. When I get up and go into work, it doesn't feel as though it should for some reason. I'm there in my desk, but I'm not there. Yet I manage to retain as much as I supposed to be. At times, I feel like I need to get this out, but other times I just want to shut myself in. If anyone remembers me then, then you have an understanding of how I am alot now. Obviously its not quite that bad, but I do feel fried half the time. Like my brain and body are on overload, and at any moment I feel as though I could collapse. I know I'm not suicidal, but there are times that things have gotten so shitty that, while on the way to work, I would wish that my engine would blow up and take me out in a fiery mess of 70 mph flaming metal with music still playing on the stereo. Not possible, but still a bitching way to go.

Well I'm done for now.