My dreams and smoke screens.

A lot had happened since I last poured it all out of my fingers through the keys and onto the screen on this thing. Last saturday I went to a wedding which I total forgot about it until the very day. Obviously leading up to that I can't really say I'd been looking forward to it at all, namely for selfish reasons though. It was a nice wedding however serving a 13 course that such gluttony should be made illegal. For the most part, that wedding reception conjured up feelings in me that I don't even want to think about. Primarily a distant bitter sense of distrust and a knowing smug grimmace at the face of everlasting faithfulness until death do us part so on and forth. Although I think it's something I'd like to try someday. But what i've learned through my own experiences in combination with what I've learned from watching family, friends and relatives split up in combination again with the occasional piece of advice regarding marriage delivered unto me by my father amidst some sort of marital predicament or other (which usually amounts to something to the effect of 'don't do it') is that most peoples' chances of keeping happy and monogomous until death are all but slim to none. I think i've learned over the past years that if I really want to, most of the time I can shake off my stints of depression by just focusing and doing something productive or beneficial to myself or to other people...i e riding on the ambulance with the squad. I feel doubt and futility there less than i do anywhere else. Now i just want to know what it is that i can use to help restore my sense of faith in humanity to the point that i might keep in my heart this dream to someday settle down and make a humble happy home with someone i love. i want to know what it is that'll get me to confidently look forward to my tenth and twentieth and thirtieth wedding anniversaries instead  of my midlife crisis with a couple of kids in middle school and a subsequent divorce hearing and then circling back around and starting all over in my late thirties or fourties or fifties finding myself right back where i am now tyring to re-partner up and hopefully still die happy and fulfilled only now with one long about resulting in an 0&1 record with regret but knowing I'll need to move on with things and do my best to not consider that I'd failed the ones i love.

I just want to die happy.