I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

They say actions speak louder than words. From everything I've gathered from friends, family, lovers, and acquaintances, this is very much true. 

This brings me to my case in point: when a person claims to have forgiven you but cannot look you in the eye, there most likely is something wrong here. When a person says I love you but acts against the very nature that is love, for instance, well then there is something very wrong here indeed.



In relationships I look at sleeping patterns sometimes. This divides into two categories: sleeping, as in sex as a sleeping pattern, in so much as how you practice the act of sex and also with whom you are sleeping, i.e., if you are cheating, and of course the literal act of falling asleep with someone else in your bed. 

The latter is looked at as trivial by some. Slight, I agree, but also very telling, because after all in any relationship we have to look at reactions. It's all about reactions. When an individual falls asleep, we pay attention to his or her regular position and call it science, we call it suggesting, we say that it tells something about this person in his or her waking life. Does he sleep on his stomach? Does he sleep in a ball? Does he sleep on his back with his hands above his head? All of this is said to explain something about the person. Why then, would the adjustment of someone else in the sphere of his most primitive state, be any different?



I've known two kinds of men next to whom I have fallen asleep. The pushers and the pullers. Now, it is common knowledge that it is just damn near impossible to sleep with someone who is either smothering you, breathing in your ear, or cutting off your air circulation in an attempt to do what he considers cuddling but you rather like to call choking. This is a given. So, it is absolutely okay to cuddle with your loved one and then need to pull away so that you can get a good night's sleep. But, when you wake up, do you reach for them? Do you feel for them? These things matter.

The first person I was truly capable of loving I fell asleep holding, and woke up with him still holding me. To date, this was the first and last time that this has ever happened. 



I was once with someone who used to pull away from me when he fell asleep. When he'd wake throughout the night, sometimes he'd reach for me. But only sometimes. On the same night he shared something very painful and intimate with me he fell asleep for the first time curled up next to me because he was vulnerable, and in sleep, as in sex, you are at your rawest with the other person. I woke up with is hand still over me. This was the last time we physically saw each other becasue we broke up shortly thereafter. Vulnerability can be scary. You see, it's the little things.



Relate this to sex. First, the act of it, and then later, the people involved. In bed you can tell just as much about a person's character as you can when you watch him with strangers. It's the little things. Consider, for example, the last time you watched a man interact with a small child. As women, our natural programming inclines us on an unconscious level to go for those who we think would make the best fathers, but I say that we are also attracted to the kindness. It is a matter of being kind in a raw state, the raw state being the interaction with the child. Think about the way a person fights: does he become mean and condescending? Does he become rude to the people around him? Again, these things matter.

Similarly, a man's behavior in bed can tell a lot about his character. If he is giving in bed, more likely than not, he is giving in other areas of the relationship. If he is controlling in bed, he is most likely this way in life. Again, this goes both ways: if he is selfish or closed off in bed, do not be surprised if he also steals the covers or is more boring than watching paint dry; however, if he is inconsiderate in waking life but you find that he is giving in bed, then do not give up on this one. There is hope for this man yet. At this point it is only a matter of spreading his charity so that it nurtures other parts of the relationship. 

When it comes to sex and sleeping and other people get involved, this is what we call cheating. Cheating. I'll say it again for that extra sting – cheating. Shit. I do believe that some cheaters genuinely feel bad, but not all. I have never cheated or should I say that I don't know how to cheat. I was blessed enough to have patient people teach me what respect and unconditional mean and pray that we are all fortunate enough to have such people in our lives.



Some people cannot control their desires for the unknown. Fair enough. But there is also this thing called free will. There is always a moment, always, when you say I can do this or I cannot. You chose to get drunk and to kiss him. You chose to be alone with him while your friends weren't around. I don't care what you say, penis did not fall in and out of the same girl six or seven times by accident. It's just not possible. I understand that everyone want's what he or she cannot have. That's fabulous. Now get over it. Everyone wants that which biologically counters everything that nature intended: to stay young forever, to smile forever, to run forever, to live forever. Eventually expectations get capped off. My romance with the idea of "enough" will indefinitely dwindle with age, because that is the law of aging, that is the law of time. 



It's kind of like, once a smoker, always a smoker... yes, you can quit, but there's still going to be that urge. Maybe you can follow suit like the rest the people that goes and try on the conviction of "social smoker," whatever the hell that means anymore, but this is still just you trying to manage something that is very much there. You've already crossed that line. When you quit, you will always be quitting. Even if you haven't smoked for five years, you're still only quitting. You've just been quitting for five years. 

Infidelity demonstrates present fickleness; it does not determine truths about the future. It cannot. A mistake simply does not have that much power over a person. Cheating and betrayal have only as much power as you give them. If you think that you are a bad person, a coward, a fraud, a liar, then you will be. It is in the individual's own notion to continue defective patterns. If you categorize yourself with such a hateful label as "cheater," you've given into the word, and you most likely, always will. 

Some relationships end when true feelings start to develop because we don't know how to handle them, and we ended up making several mistakes in the process. If you find yourself in a situation wherein this is the case, nobody can win here. Nothing will ever be even. People run will, people get scared. People are human. Doing any of the mentioned is only human. It's one of the hardest things in the world to convince yourself that no change of circumstances can repair a character defect, but that jumping out of love simply because you've fallen out of love is just about as dumb as jumping into love simply because you've fallen in. It has to be a process. This is all a process. There are ups and downs, and there always will be. There are pushers and and there are pullers. Some days you'll want to smoke, and other days you won't. Some days we will confuse our friends and lovers, and some days, it will all be okay.



If you've cheated in any form, be it emotionally or physically, and if you're sorry, you cannot expect forgiveness if you remain unwilling to give it. You need first to forgive yourself for the harm caused before the other person can even consider you fairly. Get on your knees. Someone else can only forgive you if he truly believes that you understand what you put him through. It is only from that point which you can offer a genuine, selfless apology; and, even then, you are not guaranteed an acceptance. After all, you've broken somebody's trust once. To trust again takes length and guts, it takes willingness, it takes forgiveness, and it takes surrendering. To apologize and to not mean it fully is simply another lie, and you can't afford another lie. Be careful with your words. Never say "I love you" if you do not mean it. To say it and to not mean it fully is already an act of infidelity, because if a thing loves, it is infinite; do not tempt eternity if you're not willing to deal with its consequences.

In some lifetime, a girl will spend more time thinking about a passed lover than anyone could ever imagine.