An Electric Love in Her Eyes.
30 June 2007
29 June 2007
The fit.
This is what I would have written about us many years from now...a thousand piece jigsaw and we have 999 pieces that came with the box. We put the border together first, that was the easy part while the guts of the puzzle was a truly rewarding struggle.
There was one piece missing; it didn't come with the box.
The puzzle would sit be sitting there looking imperfect and some would ask why is there a missing piece?
Perhaps one day, instead of locating that mass produced perfect fit, we would fashion our own very piece. A piece that while rough around the edges would fit more snug, more tight and sure that every time when we looked at it would make us smile because it's our piece.
Perhaps one day, we would have our story to tell. We have a jigsaw that in 999 ways is like everyone elses, but the most important piece, the piece that would stand out apart from the rest, the piece that everyone's eyes would be drawn to - would be us.
This is what I would have written about us many years from now...a thousand piece jigsaw and we have 999 pieces that came with the box. We put the border together first, that was the easy part while the guts of the puzzle was a truly rewarding struggle.
There was one piece missing; it didn't come with the box.
The puzzle would sit be sitting there looking imperfect and some would ask why is there a missing piece?
Perhaps one day, instead of locating that mass produced perfect fit, we would fashion our own very piece. A piece that while rough around the edges would fit more snug, more tight and sure that every time when we looked at it would make us smile because it's our piece.
Perhaps one day, we would have our story to tell. We have a jigsaw that in 999 ways is like everyone elses, but the most important piece, the piece that would stand out apart from the rest, the piece that everyone's eyes would be drawn to - would be us.
27 June 2007
Meet in space.
I have been immersed in a worm-hole of inspirationlessness. For the past several weeks, I have had some of the most peculiar dreams of my life. Generally, these are the times when I am receiving the highest amounts of inspiration for creativity or just living in general. But I think the abundance and availability of many other things had severely supressed that. My overall mood and perception in general has been positive and optimistic as usual, but overall more vague and indifferent than usual as if put under a numbing spell. I did however get an early start on planning my winter activities. Been swimming a over the past weeks... keeping in shape and I think Im going to take some advice and throw away my television. I think I'm also going to throw away a single vice, so that my mind can become clear again.
I have been immersed in a worm-hole of inspirationlessness. For the past several weeks, I have had some of the most peculiar dreams of my life. Generally, these are the times when I am receiving the highest amounts of inspiration for creativity or just living in general. But I think the abundance and availability of many other things had severely supressed that. My overall mood and perception in general has been positive and optimistic as usual, but overall more vague and indifferent than usual as if put under a numbing spell. I did however get an early start on planning my winter activities. Been swimming a over the past weeks... keeping in shape and I think Im going to take some advice and throw away my television. I think I'm also going to throw away a single vice, so that my mind can become clear again.
26 June 2007
Mistakes.
I read it somewhere it says that when you think life keeps throwing you the same shit, you find yourself keep repeating the same mistake, repeating the same unsatisfying life that drives you round and round was simply because you have not learnt its lesson that is why life gives you the same lesson again and again and when you've learnt and accept, you will find things going along your way then you're happier where better things will fall into place for you. Simply true and easy.
Lately i have experienced a lot of both unhappiness and happiness. I choose to stay positive and on a good day, i don't even remember what was it that's bothering me. I think I like it this way, spontaneous always even if it's a roller coaster ride for now as i know deep down, I will never apart because I had never fall together.
They said things happen for a reason whereas i also believe that reason knows nothing. Making mistakes are good, take your time. Live and learn. Make peace with your soul. Realize that people come into our lives that some to make you see what not to become while others would inspire you to become a better one.
To harp and living with the past? I would smile and said, it is overrated.
I read it somewhere it says that when you think life keeps throwing you the same shit, you find yourself keep repeating the same mistake, repeating the same unsatisfying life that drives you round and round was simply because you have not learnt its lesson that is why life gives you the same lesson again and again and when you've learnt and accept, you will find things going along your way then you're happier where better things will fall into place for you. Simply true and easy.
Lately i have experienced a lot of both unhappiness and happiness. I choose to stay positive and on a good day, i don't even remember what was it that's bothering me. I think I like it this way, spontaneous always even if it's a roller coaster ride for now as i know deep down, I will never apart because I had never fall together.
They said things happen for a reason whereas i also believe that reason knows nothing. Making mistakes are good, take your time. Live and learn. Make peace with your soul. Realize that people come into our lives that some to make you see what not to become while others would inspire you to become a better one.
To harp and living with the past? I would smile and said, it is overrated.
25 June 2007
Break Time... wtf does that mean?!
Ok. So I just found out that a galfriend lately is going through a "break" in her relationship. Don't we hear that often every now and then? First off, I have to ask....what is the point of a break in a relationship? I mean, it seems to me that thats just delaying the inevitable. I've never understood the purpose of a "break". Its like saying... "I want to be with you, but just not for this amount of time." Ummm.. Right. If you've reached the point in your relationship where you feel you need a "break" from your partner, to be single again for a little bit.... I think that its pretty much obvious that the relationship just isn't meant to be.
Breaks also seem like a way of avoiding the problem to me. "Ok, well, we can't agree on a few things, so we need a break. Maybe all the problems won't be there when we return." Di Di Di! Just because you ignore it, doesn't mean its going to magically go away.
Ok, so.. we've gotten past the point that relationship "breaks" are pointless. But lets pretend we go on and do it anyway. Now you have to figure out what the rules are. Does the break mean you're single again? Or does it mean you have a partner still, but you're being suspended from each other? You know, all the cons and non of the pros. Well, that seems pretty pointless, doesn't it? So they say absence makes the heart grows fonder. Is that what a "break" is supposed to do? Make you appreciate your partner even more? Hmmm.... I don't know, ahaha. It all seems like crap to me.
Another question, still on the subject of "breaks". Lets pretend you have a couple who are relatively happy in their relationship, majority of the time. Every relationship has its problems, thats to be expected. But then lets say this happy couple gets into an argument the day before the happy boy is scheduled to go away with a bunch of other boys to a place the happy girl won't be, but lots of other girls will be. Now, the happy girl trusts her happy boy about as much as any female can trust a male. So she's obviously already worried about the upcoming time apart. Then, her happy boy says "We need to take a break. We can talk after I come back." Well what is a gal to think then?! Doesn't that just screams!!... 'I don't want to be with you' or rather 'I want to be free to fuck around this weekend, but I want you here waiting for me when I'm done.' How lamed can it get?
Be realistic, to me a "break" literally means walking away from you. History. Which may not be something bad. I mean there are people who can walk away from you and when they do their "breaks", I've learned to let them walk. I won't even try to talk another person into staying with me, loving me, calling me, caring about me, coming to see me, or staying attached to me. I believe when people can walk away from you, your destiny is never tied to those that had left. It might be made manifest that they were not for us somehow or rather. Don't people leave because they are not joined to you and it shouldnt be too hard to figure that if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Doesn't mean that they are a bad person but simply that their part in the story is over, and you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. Now, you've got to know when it's over.
I've got the gift of good-byes. It's my seventh sense gift, I believe in good-byes. If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, holding on to the past that hurts and pains, If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, struggling with the healing of a broken relationship, trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves, depressed and stressed.......damn it, you better wake up now! Help yourself.
Bleh.. Ok.. I'm done rambling, for now. I've still got plenty to bitch about on this topic...burn it and I've got more important stuff to do next.
Ok. So I just found out that a galfriend lately is going through a "break" in her relationship. Don't we hear that often every now and then? First off, I have to ask....what is the point of a break in a relationship? I mean, it seems to me that thats just delaying the inevitable. I've never understood the purpose of a "break". Its like saying... "I want to be with you, but just not for this amount of time." Ummm.. Right. If you've reached the point in your relationship where you feel you need a "break" from your partner, to be single again for a little bit.... I think that its pretty much obvious that the relationship just isn't meant to be.
Breaks also seem like a way of avoiding the problem to me. "Ok, well, we can't agree on a few things, so we need a break. Maybe all the problems won't be there when we return." Di Di Di! Just because you ignore it, doesn't mean its going to magically go away.
Ok, so.. we've gotten past the point that relationship "breaks" are pointless. But lets pretend we go on and do it anyway. Now you have to figure out what the rules are. Does the break mean you're single again? Or does it mean you have a partner still, but you're being suspended from each other? You know, all the cons and non of the pros. Well, that seems pretty pointless, doesn't it? So they say absence makes the heart grows fonder. Is that what a "break" is supposed to do? Make you appreciate your partner even more? Hmmm.... I don't know, ahaha. It all seems like crap to me.
Another question, still on the subject of "breaks". Lets pretend you have a couple who are relatively happy in their relationship, majority of the time. Every relationship has its problems, thats to be expected. But then lets say this happy couple gets into an argument the day before the happy boy is scheduled to go away with a bunch of other boys to a place the happy girl won't be, but lots of other girls will be. Now, the happy girl trusts her happy boy about as much as any female can trust a male. So she's obviously already worried about the upcoming time apart. Then, her happy boy says "We need to take a break. We can talk after I come back." Well what is a gal to think then?! Doesn't that just screams!!... 'I don't want to be with you' or rather 'I want to be free to fuck around this weekend, but I want you here waiting for me when I'm done.' How lamed can it get?
Be realistic, to me a "break" literally means walking away from you. History. Which may not be something bad. I mean there are people who can walk away from you and when they do their "breaks", I've learned to let them walk. I won't even try to talk another person into staying with me, loving me, calling me, caring about me, coming to see me, or staying attached to me. I believe when people can walk away from you, your destiny is never tied to those that had left. It might be made manifest that they were not for us somehow or rather. Don't people leave because they are not joined to you and it shouldnt be too hard to figure that if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Doesn't mean that they are a bad person but simply that their part in the story is over, and you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. Now, you've got to know when it's over.
I've got the gift of good-byes. It's my seventh sense gift, I believe in good-byes. If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, holding on to the past that hurts and pains, If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, struggling with the healing of a broken relationship, trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves, depressed and stressed.......damn it, you better wake up now! Help yourself.
Bleh.. Ok.. I'm done rambling, for now. I've still got plenty to bitch about on this topic...burn it and I've got more important stuff to do next.
23 June 2007
Cleansed.
Such a wonderful evening last night... I dived into the pool, it was my kind of pool size for me to do a typical 15 laps. The water was perfect. I was floating with my eyes shut thinking what life would be like if I was still lingering the kind of same lifestyle I used to have. It, I would called it a little sense-less. The past couple of years, I thought I had found true friendships which I had strongly bond with doing things together on weekends in and out, the usual stuff, the usual suspects and when it all crumbles, I was lost for a while...look, my social support was gone, what I thought was good for me turns out to be the opposite. The past had been a real hindrance of my future. I am glad that now that is over. In a mere little more than a couple of months, I am doing way better then what I did for the last couple of years. So much that I've missed all these time. Where was I?
We sat by the pool, all the bbq food, salads, champagne, our each invented cocktails, music flowing from the glass house, endless and endless laughter between the few close friends. Something about where I am right now just feels right. i think i was fighting life too much and letting myself fall short of these expectations and hopes i had. Now i've let go of myself and drifted into this blissful abyss i've always known to be here. Call it a dark period or call it nothing at all. For some reason i'm happier than i was before.
I think i'll stay for a while, ahhh....
Such a wonderful evening last night... I dived into the pool, it was my kind of pool size for me to do a typical 15 laps. The water was perfect. I was floating with my eyes shut thinking what life would be like if I was still lingering the kind of same lifestyle I used to have. It, I would called it a little sense-less. The past couple of years, I thought I had found true friendships which I had strongly bond with doing things together on weekends in and out, the usual stuff, the usual suspects and when it all crumbles, I was lost for a while...look, my social support was gone, what I thought was good for me turns out to be the opposite. The past had been a real hindrance of my future. I am glad that now that is over. In a mere little more than a couple of months, I am doing way better then what I did for the last couple of years. So much that I've missed all these time. Where was I?
We sat by the pool, all the bbq food, salads, champagne, our each invented cocktails, music flowing from the glass house, endless and endless laughter between the few close friends. Something about where I am right now just feels right. i think i was fighting life too much and letting myself fall short of these expectations and hopes i had. Now i've let go of myself and drifted into this blissful abyss i've always known to be here. Call it a dark period or call it nothing at all. For some reason i'm happier than i was before.
I think i'll stay for a while, ahhh....
22 June 2007
Dating in the concrete swamp.
So here I sit on a Friday night, typing away at the keyboard. The only male in the vicinity of me is my two lovely dogs curled up next to me. Me, laying comfortably on the bed in the whites. It is obvious I am not dating.
Some people are perplexed by this. However, the fact is that I am where I would like to be for tonight. There are certain things about being curled up next to the male species all cozy that warms me to my toes. Even if the male species has four legs.
I was in a conversation with some galfriends about accidental dating and was described to me as "hooking up". The hooking up being that a male and female meet, chat, flirt, and eventually hook up. But hooking up could mean all manner of things. It could mean smacking out with a guy, your tongue with his or it could mean getting busy somewhere. Either way, it is apparent that casual sex is everywhere. It was somewhat disurbing as they discussed how hooking up was better than battling it out or waiting for Mr. Right. Some girls seemed as intent on "hittin it" at the guys. Somewhat disturbing. Their cavalier attitudes about sex lead me to believe that most likely, the 20 and 30 something generation will not produce many happy marriages or children.
Also disturbing about this- has anyone noticed that STD's once thought to be eradicated are on the rise? Syphillis, gonorrhea, herpes, and HIV are not going away. With casual sex happening so often, people are apparently not protecting themselves. Our generation will either be dead, have no child to carry on the family name, or diseased prior to populating the country again.
And a final note to leave you with - However, with so many things to think of health wise, monogomy makes a whole lot of sense to me afterall. Not to mention the moral issues. The sanctity of marriage and such. I'm not at all desperate for anything like that however to start with, lately I feel like I am ready to commit myself again as much as I enjoy my freedom, I can't wait to share again and love...the imperfecture of the one I love. And I will save that for another soap box night. For now, I am headed to dream land.......
So here I sit on a Friday night, typing away at the keyboard. The only male in the vicinity of me is my two lovely dogs curled up next to me. Me, laying comfortably on the bed in the whites. It is obvious I am not dating.
Some people are perplexed by this. However, the fact is that I am where I would like to be for tonight. There are certain things about being curled up next to the male species all cozy that warms me to my toes. Even if the male species has four legs.
I was in a conversation with some galfriends about accidental dating and was described to me as "hooking up". The hooking up being that a male and female meet, chat, flirt, and eventually hook up. But hooking up could mean all manner of things. It could mean smacking out with a guy, your tongue with his or it could mean getting busy somewhere. Either way, it is apparent that casual sex is everywhere. It was somewhat disurbing as they discussed how hooking up was better than battling it out or waiting for Mr. Right. Some girls seemed as intent on "hittin it" at the guys. Somewhat disturbing. Their cavalier attitudes about sex lead me to believe that most likely, the 20 and 30 something generation will not produce many happy marriages or children.
Also disturbing about this- has anyone noticed that STD's once thought to be eradicated are on the rise? Syphillis, gonorrhea, herpes, and HIV are not going away. With casual sex happening so often, people are apparently not protecting themselves. Our generation will either be dead, have no child to carry on the family name, or diseased prior to populating the country again.
And a final note to leave you with - However, with so many things to think of health wise, monogomy makes a whole lot of sense to me afterall. Not to mention the moral issues. The sanctity of marriage and such. I'm not at all desperate for anything like that however to start with, lately I feel like I am ready to commit myself again as much as I enjoy my freedom, I can't wait to share again and love...the imperfecture of the one I love. And I will save that for another soap box night. For now, I am headed to dream land.......
20 June 2007
What I think...
Beautitful isn't it that I can sit here in my home and write exactly what's on my mind without feeling the need to hide or control my mouth? Ok, so here's what I think on random subjects......
Quality of life....Medications to sustain a stupor is not quality of life. Keeping someone so drugged up that they don't know their pathetic mind hurts and everyone that's involved. Sad but true. Quality of life does not mean that you should be in pain or that you should not understand. Quality is what you want for your life not what others decide.
Sexuality....As a woman, I own my sexuality. I will not be silenced about what I want or need from an intimate relationship. I as a woman have the right to choose who invades my body (that sounds bad) and to ensure that all areas of myself are fulfilled. I am a woman with feelings, needs and emotions. I am not afraid to talk openly about sex with my partner, I should not feel ashamed of aiding in others personal growth toward a healthy sex life (even if it means I talk to men about it).
Love.....It is an emotion, a feeling, a connection. It takes two people involved to maintain those feelings. Beyond all that, it is a choice, it is a choice to give to it even when you don't feel it, to hold on to it through the rough spots and choose to accept it when it is given back. Feeling in love is fleeting, its what you make of it when its not there that matters the most.
Relationships....Commuication is key. I have learned through my work that it is so important to not sweat the little things. I have been myself many times that learning to take things as they come, to be responsible for yourself, choosing your battles, having a sense of humor, and forgiveness are all components to maintaining a relationship. Furthermore, it is a choice to remain in them everyday. Somedays its harder then others, but in the end the choice to stay is always yours.
Knowledge....is what you take from it. I prefer to continuously learn. I want to know, learn and live my life to the best it can be. Without knowledge, I would be little more than a primate.
So there you go, just a short list of my opinions for the night.
Beautitful isn't it that I can sit here in my home and write exactly what's on my mind without feeling the need to hide or control my mouth? Ok, so here's what I think on random subjects......
Quality of life....Medications to sustain a stupor is not quality of life. Keeping someone so drugged up that they don't know their pathetic mind hurts and everyone that's involved. Sad but true. Quality of life does not mean that you should be in pain or that you should not understand. Quality is what you want for your life not what others decide.
Sexuality....As a woman, I own my sexuality. I will not be silenced about what I want or need from an intimate relationship. I as a woman have the right to choose who invades my body (that sounds bad) and to ensure that all areas of myself are fulfilled. I am a woman with feelings, needs and emotions. I am not afraid to talk openly about sex with my partner, I should not feel ashamed of aiding in others personal growth toward a healthy sex life (even if it means I talk to men about it).
Love.....It is an emotion, a feeling, a connection. It takes two people involved to maintain those feelings. Beyond all that, it is a choice, it is a choice to give to it even when you don't feel it, to hold on to it through the rough spots and choose to accept it when it is given back. Feeling in love is fleeting, its what you make of it when its not there that matters the most.
Relationships....Commuication is key. I have learned through my work that it is so important to not sweat the little things. I have been myself many times that learning to take things as they come, to be responsible for yourself, choosing your battles, having a sense of humor, and forgiveness are all components to maintaining a relationship. Furthermore, it is a choice to remain in them everyday. Somedays its harder then others, but in the end the choice to stay is always yours.
Knowledge....is what you take from it. I prefer to continuously learn. I want to know, learn and live my life to the best it can be. Without knowledge, I would be little more than a primate.
So there you go, just a short list of my opinions for the night.
19 June 2007
A perfect match
Very often when my friends start asking each other "what is your type?" And when they get to me I always feel like I am listening to them describing people in magazines. I guess I haven't really found any real longevity in the appearance of the people I have dated. So I started to really and truly look into qualities of mates that seem to gel nicely with me. Looking for these traits could made each and every relationship and friendship even better. When it comes to what qualities I look for in a relationship aren't expectations and standards that I impose on my mate but more about what I expect from myself. I appreciate someone that stimulates and brings out the qualities in myself that i want, the best in me which are healthy and positive. That is the type of people I want in my life. As I grow older, I no longer am interested in someone who "challenges" me, because damn it my life is already filled with challenges. i need an ally in my challenges that is. i also understand how lots of people feel that the outside starts the attraction that it doesn't have anything to do with growing a healthy strong successful relationship. i try to look as deep into people as i am as comfortable to have them look that deep into me. I guess I have been very lucky because I have some of the greatest people as friends around me and have dated the 3 most important people in my life which i would do anything in this world to protect them through thick and thin. Almost everyone I have in my life has qualities in them that I feel that most of us strive to have. Apart from that, just happy I am today, not as contradicting as the yesterday....
Very often when my friends start asking each other "what is your type?" And when they get to me I always feel like I am listening to them describing people in magazines. I guess I haven't really found any real longevity in the appearance of the people I have dated. So I started to really and truly look into qualities of mates that seem to gel nicely with me. Looking for these traits could made each and every relationship and friendship even better. When it comes to what qualities I look for in a relationship aren't expectations and standards that I impose on my mate but more about what I expect from myself. I appreciate someone that stimulates and brings out the qualities in myself that i want, the best in me which are healthy and positive. That is the type of people I want in my life. As I grow older, I no longer am interested in someone who "challenges" me, because damn it my life is already filled with challenges. i need an ally in my challenges that is. i also understand how lots of people feel that the outside starts the attraction that it doesn't have anything to do with growing a healthy strong successful relationship. i try to look as deep into people as i am as comfortable to have them look that deep into me. I guess I have been very lucky because I have some of the greatest people as friends around me and have dated the 3 most important people in my life which i would do anything in this world to protect them through thick and thin. Almost everyone I have in my life has qualities in them that I feel that most of us strive to have. Apart from that, just happy I am today, not as contradicting as the yesterday....
18 June 2007
So when life hands you lemons....
I suppose you should be thankful it isn't giving you a handful of shit. I'm in such an odd mood lately. Half happy, half depressed, seems like that would be just in the middle and therefore perfectly normal, right? Not really, I have been very emotional today after speaking to some very important person in my life. A conversation that sets me off with the slightest. Does anyone truely know who they are? I mean, we are constantly changing and between keeping up with work, and family, and friendships, and relationships it is easy to loose track of ourselves. You came to the conclusion that most of my life is a contradiction and just when you think it is starting to get easier, and I am finally getting it together, from somewhere in left field comes a monkey wrench and I'm starting all over.
Who am I... That, as I said, is a rather simple question. I seem to have pulled everything together. Maybe you're right that perhaps my biggest mistake over the years is depending on the wrong people for too long and trying too hard to turn something into nothing. Therefore I am such a contradiction. I don't mean to be but I just have a seriously inability to make up my mind when it comes to "somethings". I wish I knew what that stemmed from. Ok so sometimes I do plan things far in advance to avoid making last minute decisions, I guess we know why through experience. You are contradicting me when you said I have this natural leader like quality which always leaves people depending on me for an answer, a decision, which is funny when I can't even decide what I want to eat for dinner. I don't like it. It really does go so much further then that, but you're right about the biggest contradiction in my life which falls in my love life, I don't find it hard to see this one coming, ha!
So there is this part of me loves the idea of settling down, but then at the same time I think, it be awesome to just be single forever, enjoy what I have and let you always always telling me to live to my fullest!! See, complete opposites. I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle all the time which is not what I want and is therefore rather unsatisfying. Damn... Somewhere in the back of my mind is this ideal storybook romance that involves clouds and dancing... but then I think, wow, thats lame... hmmm... And I mean, I know there's a lot of awesome guys so what exactly is my problem? Perhaps I am just too afraid to risk it all, but then, I risk plenty often enough reaching for something extraordinary.
Perhaps it goes back to love, see I have always had this wacky sense of love and always felt the need to have as much of it as possible. But as much as I want love, I keep people at a distance. I rarely let people in and usually the people I let in are the ones I know will disappoint me, why exactly do I set myself up for failure? See, I told you we rarely know ourselves, I do tend to push people away and it's statistically proven. See, once again, you're right I am such a contradiction, I want love, to be loved, to love, yet I push away the people that attempt to love me. Oh it is exhuasting to be me, but it's also beautiful to live life with such passion. Ahhh, another contradiction.
I would a write an invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation? So now you think you know me more than me as if I would not know what to do when life hands me lemons.....
I suppose you should be thankful it isn't giving you a handful of shit. I'm in such an odd mood lately. Half happy, half depressed, seems like that would be just in the middle and therefore perfectly normal, right? Not really, I have been very emotional today after speaking to some very important person in my life. A conversation that sets me off with the slightest. Does anyone truely know who they are? I mean, we are constantly changing and between keeping up with work, and family, and friendships, and relationships it is easy to loose track of ourselves. You came to the conclusion that most of my life is a contradiction and just when you think it is starting to get easier, and I am finally getting it together, from somewhere in left field comes a monkey wrench and I'm starting all over.
Who am I... That, as I said, is a rather simple question. I seem to have pulled everything together. Maybe you're right that perhaps my biggest mistake over the years is depending on the wrong people for too long and trying too hard to turn something into nothing. Therefore I am such a contradiction. I don't mean to be but I just have a seriously inability to make up my mind when it comes to "somethings". I wish I knew what that stemmed from. Ok so sometimes I do plan things far in advance to avoid making last minute decisions, I guess we know why through experience. You are contradicting me when you said I have this natural leader like quality which always leaves people depending on me for an answer, a decision, which is funny when I can't even decide what I want to eat for dinner. I don't like it. It really does go so much further then that, but you're right about the biggest contradiction in my life which falls in my love life, I don't find it hard to see this one coming, ha!
So there is this part of me loves the idea of settling down, but then at the same time I think, it be awesome to just be single forever, enjoy what I have and let you always always telling me to live to my fullest!! See, complete opposites. I tend to find myself somewhere in the middle all the time which is not what I want and is therefore rather unsatisfying. Damn... Somewhere in the back of my mind is this ideal storybook romance that involves clouds and dancing... but then I think, wow, thats lame... hmmm... And I mean, I know there's a lot of awesome guys so what exactly is my problem? Perhaps I am just too afraid to risk it all, but then, I risk plenty often enough reaching for something extraordinary.
Perhaps it goes back to love, see I have always had this wacky sense of love and always felt the need to have as much of it as possible. But as much as I want love, I keep people at a distance. I rarely let people in and usually the people I let in are the ones I know will disappoint me, why exactly do I set myself up for failure? See, I told you we rarely know ourselves, I do tend to push people away and it's statistically proven. See, once again, you're right I am such a contradiction, I want love, to be loved, to love, yet I push away the people that attempt to love me. Oh it is exhuasting to be me, but it's also beautiful to live life with such passion. Ahhh, another contradiction.
I would a write an invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation? So now you think you know me more than me as if I would not know what to do when life hands me lemons.....
17 June 2007
A Perpetual Existential Bind.
Well, the word's never seemed to me to be quite so confusing and any touch of faith to grace my life in a moment i typically write off as a brief instance of sheer amusement and subsequently in intentional oblivion allow the weight of things to slide gently off my shoulder and onto the tongue and tip of whatever breeze might next gently push against my moving body ever dipped in a film of ignorance to the sounds pushing off of heaven's lips even as they approach calm and slow soft and peaceful like a mother dog anxious to love and care for her newborn pups my forehead feels their soft press yet i retract of lack of trust of paranoia of fear of abandonment of self-negligence of vanity and of pride.
This is where i feel i'd benefit from a healthy dose of naivety. to not know and to fully accept the inability to truly know to the optimistic being is but a reason to keep hope, and little more. so i sort of wish i'd been born a puppy.
Well, the word's never seemed to me to be quite so confusing and any touch of faith to grace my life in a moment i typically write off as a brief instance of sheer amusement and subsequently in intentional oblivion allow the weight of things to slide gently off my shoulder and onto the tongue and tip of whatever breeze might next gently push against my moving body ever dipped in a film of ignorance to the sounds pushing off of heaven's lips even as they approach calm and slow soft and peaceful like a mother dog anxious to love and care for her newborn pups my forehead feels their soft press yet i retract of lack of trust of paranoia of fear of abandonment of self-negligence of vanity and of pride.
This is where i feel i'd benefit from a healthy dose of naivety. to not know and to fully accept the inability to truly know to the optimistic being is but a reason to keep hope, and little more. so i sort of wish i'd been born a puppy.
16 June 2007
All the sunsets and sunrises...
So wow, it is really six months gone for good! I can't believe this is moving so fast, last year is still so vivid that it feels like yesterday. As I look back and reflect I can't help but be proud of where I am, where I have come from, and where I am going. Where am I going?
I have changed more over past six months then I have in the previous years combined. I don't think I realized just how much I had lost myself. We get to this point when we have so much to do that we just think of ways to get things done. We become living machines till one day we wake up and think holly frig, how did I get here? This year I found myself waking up in my own life realizing that I hadn't really been living it. Merely day to day, week to week. It is important to be ambitious, and to work towards goals but I was living in the future so much, trying to get everything where I wanted it, that I forgot to live in the present and life went on. I am glad that sometime this year I finally found myself.
When him and I had closed the final chapter of that 'grey' relationship, I remember thinking I needed to find someone, who would provide that thing, that missing link so to speak. Like a movie, my toad would just show up and wow, love and all that disgusting garbage. But instead, I came to realize, I wasn't looking for someone else to fullfill that void, I was looking for myself. And I mean, it is one thing to understand that, but another to experience it. To be so lost that you forget to live. It's like waking up from a dream. Over the last twelve months had been insaned. I have grown so much, and watched the people around me grow actually, no. Some stood still. I became closure to friends I have had, but I've also met new amazing people. The world is truely an amazing and beautiful place, when you take the time to look at it.
So wow, it is really six months gone for good! I can't believe this is moving so fast, last year is still so vivid that it feels like yesterday. As I look back and reflect I can't help but be proud of where I am, where I have come from, and where I am going. Where am I going?
I have changed more over past six months then I have in the previous years combined. I don't think I realized just how much I had lost myself. We get to this point when we have so much to do that we just think of ways to get things done. We become living machines till one day we wake up and think holly frig, how did I get here? This year I found myself waking up in my own life realizing that I hadn't really been living it. Merely day to day, week to week. It is important to be ambitious, and to work towards goals but I was living in the future so much, trying to get everything where I wanted it, that I forgot to live in the present and life went on. I am glad that sometime this year I finally found myself.
When him and I had closed the final chapter of that 'grey' relationship, I remember thinking I needed to find someone, who would provide that thing, that missing link so to speak. Like a movie, my toad would just show up and wow, love and all that disgusting garbage. But instead, I came to realize, I wasn't looking for someone else to fullfill that void, I was looking for myself. And I mean, it is one thing to understand that, but another to experience it. To be so lost that you forget to live. It's like waking up from a dream. Over the last twelve months had been insaned. I have grown so much, and watched the people around me grow actually, no. Some stood still. I became closure to friends I have had, but I've also met new amazing people. The world is truely an amazing and beautiful place, when you take the time to look at it.
15 June 2007
No attention, ok, I will look deep inside myself......wow, it's roomy in here.
I awoke with a thundering sound that came beneath the shallow depths..... No, that was just me trying to start a blog with some drama....I woke up and came out to the living room and sat there with somethings on my mind that about all the things that I shouldn't be thinking about. Some time, the choices of thought start to dissipate through absence of the core problem. Maybe being the recognition of being trapped in a way, is going to set me free. When the dominant negative force is gone, only positive force can take it's place when the environment around you is at peace. What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become a high priest? I'm starting to sound like I'm giving a sermon. I better get my slang back. Lets start off with the word "F**k". Much better. No I can shoot my mouth off. Damn, no I have nothing to say........Or too much to say.
I awoke with a thundering sound that came beneath the shallow depths..... No, that was just me trying to start a blog with some drama....I woke up and came out to the living room and sat there with somethings on my mind that about all the things that I shouldn't be thinking about. Some time, the choices of thought start to dissipate through absence of the core problem. Maybe being the recognition of being trapped in a way, is going to set me free. When the dominant negative force is gone, only positive force can take it's place when the environment around you is at peace. What the hell is wrong with me? When did I become a high priest? I'm starting to sound like I'm giving a sermon. I better get my slang back. Lets start off with the word "F**k". Much better. No I can shoot my mouth off. Damn, no I have nothing to say........Or too much to say.
13 June 2007
I would imagine.
Of all the things i miss about us the one that's stinging me the most right this moment is your eyes. That I could just stare into until my heart stop beating but probably never notice the difference and just let my life drift away leaving that one everlasting image burned into my retinas and for me that may as well be heaven because i swear to all that is known that if i were granted the certainty of one thing that would never cease to bring me joy in the presence of my being for the rest of my days it would be exactly that...just sitting in the low light with only silence between us and peace surrounding us staring face to face and feeling like i'm falling without ever having to look forward to any sort of landing and knowing that if time were to stop everything would just stay perfect for me. An infinite source of serenity. Love in freezeframe. This is why people hang pictures.
Maybe i should have carried a camera.
Of all the things i miss about us the one that's stinging me the most right this moment is your eyes. That I could just stare into until my heart stop beating but probably never notice the difference and just let my life drift away leaving that one everlasting image burned into my retinas and for me that may as well be heaven because i swear to all that is known that if i were granted the certainty of one thing that would never cease to bring me joy in the presence of my being for the rest of my days it would be exactly that...just sitting in the low light with only silence between us and peace surrounding us staring face to face and feeling like i'm falling without ever having to look forward to any sort of landing and knowing that if time were to stop everything would just stay perfect for me. An infinite source of serenity. Love in freezeframe. This is why people hang pictures.
Maybe i should have carried a camera.
11 June 2007
Looking inwards.
Had a meeting at work. It was about inproving our business standard and ultimatly doing our jobs better. I listened to everyone talk. Some talked very passionately about what needs to change or be different. But what I started to notice was everyone was talking about what everyone else should do to inproving performance, expecting others to work harder, address their flaws. No one at all suggested what they themselves could start doing and start working on to enhance their own performance. I think sometimes we all expect people to commit to making a change before we think about it. Is it because people dont realize their own accountablity and believe that they dont have as much room for growth as others? Or simply just afraid to address themselves like they do to others?
Had a meeting at work. It was about inproving our business standard and ultimatly doing our jobs better. I listened to everyone talk. Some talked very passionately about what needs to change or be different. But what I started to notice was everyone was talking about what everyone else should do to inproving performance, expecting others to work harder, address their flaws. No one at all suggested what they themselves could start doing and start working on to enhance their own performance. I think sometimes we all expect people to commit to making a change before we think about it. Is it because people dont realize their own accountablity and believe that they dont have as much room for growth as others? Or simply just afraid to address themselves like they do to others?
10 June 2007
Apple or?
Have always been my favorite fruit however lately I had refused to eat it and developed a phobia when Apple tried to force feed me with an apple...a little confusing here but let me introduce, Apple is her (labeled) name and my favorite fruit is apple, get it? 2 different worlds. As I was doing my house cleaning today working around the kitchen and came about a bowl-full of apples which I bought 2 weeks ago. Coming to think about it, I must have been avoiding them so badly that I didn't even noticed them there before. Took a closer look and realized that they are starting to rot. Great and what? Am I over with apples now or am I over with Apple? We'll see to that.
Lots been happening since apple moved in and the list keeps adding up. Not worth mentioning the pettifoggings like her ass is either stuck sitting at the dining or on her bed, not cleaning up after meals or clean anything at all, in fact even noticed she does not do her laundries..... Today, I called up her ex whom had left her here with me telling him that I've had enough and she's got to go. The surfaced little prima-donna attitude with her strings of weird and simply dirty habits around the house had got into my head. God help me, but I've tried to put up as much as possible until the final straw when missy Apple came home at 4am on friday night, drank, lost her key, banging at the door causing my dogs to bark madly, gotten me worried and wft was that? I got up to find up that it's dear Apple. Now i wont even bother to use a better word other than 'mad' to describe how I felt that night. It's indescribable. Without further warning...holy shit...Apple turned into a friggin Merlion and god knows what she's had for dinner. Not a good sight, rated R50 (not suitable for the weak hearts and elderly) that even Westie and Siaobai went running for their lives. Just what I need at 4 am and guess who did the cleaning up emptied an almost a litre of disinfectant. Scrubbing, rinsing x 10 more times away till my fingers hurts turned numb and wrinkly. I could force a tear out right there and then. Sorry was what i got the next morning, speechless though I'm screaming like crazy inside and could feel the cringe on my face still hanging there since the scrub and rinse just hours ago. The only sympathetic look I could see was from my lovely dogs. I refused to talk to Apple as I'm consciously aware of how mad i was/am that any more interaction is gonna to cause an eruption somewhere, somehow on someone. I needed to go out get distracted, anywhere, anyone, just to be away. So one would think that everything ends it here when ta-daaaa.....it happened again back to back nights. Must bad timing always falls at the right time? This is seriously wrong, wrong, wrong! Who would expect to have spare disinfectants for the "just in case"? damn it! My anal side had gotten the better of me with a solution of floor bleach+clothes bleach=hell a lot of bleaches. Emptied. For a while, i felt like i was going to faint and turned blind due to the smell and the sting of perfect bleach mix. Just my friggin arse luck with Apple from hell.
Get real, consciously? How could anyone be so irresponsible for their own doings, haven't we learnt that when it comes to getting drunk, do not giving yourself or others trouble. Period. Obviously not for some. Be conscious and responsible for crying out loud. My sympathy for Apple had came to point of "lose respect for yourself and lose respect from me!". My weekend's basically filled with anger, Apple's rotten and rejected substances from her contaminated stomach, bleaches and disinfectants. Merlion sight is simply bizarre. Who's to blame when my attitude had turned towards other end, pretty obvious that it's written all over me, it better be.
I've never had such bad experience living with someone. Or could it be just me? Then again, why am i responsible to look after her? We're not even close, we're not family, we're not friends so to speak. She was trying to be nice today, but Apple, i just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Now it's too late.
Rewinding back to today's morning after scene with an ultimate closing finale when Apple walked out of her bedroom in an innocently like princess wannabe asked "what's that smell?" .....Fark! I said to him, I want her out and when are you back? Tuesday? Tuesday that is!
Have always been my favorite fruit however lately I had refused to eat it and developed a phobia when Apple tried to force feed me with an apple...a little confusing here but let me introduce, Apple is her (labeled) name and my favorite fruit is apple, get it? 2 different worlds. As I was doing my house cleaning today working around the kitchen and came about a bowl-full of apples which I bought 2 weeks ago. Coming to think about it, I must have been avoiding them so badly that I didn't even noticed them there before. Took a closer look and realized that they are starting to rot. Great and what? Am I over with apples now or am I over with Apple? We'll see to that.
Lots been happening since apple moved in and the list keeps adding up. Not worth mentioning the pettifoggings like her ass is either stuck sitting at the dining or on her bed, not cleaning up after meals or clean anything at all, in fact even noticed she does not do her laundries..... Today, I called up her ex whom had left her here with me telling him that I've had enough and she's got to go. The surfaced little prima-donna attitude with her strings of weird and simply dirty habits around the house had got into my head. God help me, but I've tried to put up as much as possible until the final straw when missy Apple came home at 4am on friday night, drank, lost her key, banging at the door causing my dogs to bark madly, gotten me worried and wft was that? I got up to find up that it's dear Apple. Now i wont even bother to use a better word other than 'mad' to describe how I felt that night. It's indescribable. Without further warning...holy shit...Apple turned into a friggin Merlion and god knows what she's had for dinner. Not a good sight, rated R50 (not suitable for the weak hearts and elderly) that even Westie and Siaobai went running for their lives. Just what I need at 4 am and guess who did the cleaning up emptied an almost a litre of disinfectant. Scrubbing, rinsing x 10 more times away till my fingers hurts turned numb and wrinkly. I could force a tear out right there and then. Sorry was what i got the next morning, speechless though I'm screaming like crazy inside and could feel the cringe on my face still hanging there since the scrub and rinse just hours ago. The only sympathetic look I could see was from my lovely dogs. I refused to talk to Apple as I'm consciously aware of how mad i was/am that any more interaction is gonna to cause an eruption somewhere, somehow on someone. I needed to go out get distracted, anywhere, anyone, just to be away. So one would think that everything ends it here when ta-daaaa.....it happened again back to back nights. Must bad timing always falls at the right time? This is seriously wrong, wrong, wrong! Who would expect to have spare disinfectants for the "just in case"? damn it! My anal side had gotten the better of me with a solution of floor bleach+clothes bleach=hell a lot of bleaches. Emptied. For a while, i felt like i was going to faint and turned blind due to the smell and the sting of perfect bleach mix. Just my friggin arse luck with Apple from hell.
Get real, consciously? How could anyone be so irresponsible for their own doings, haven't we learnt that when it comes to getting drunk, do not giving yourself or others trouble. Period. Obviously not for some. Be conscious and responsible for crying out loud. My sympathy for Apple had came to point of "lose respect for yourself and lose respect from me!". My weekend's basically filled with anger, Apple's rotten and rejected substances from her contaminated stomach, bleaches and disinfectants. Merlion sight is simply bizarre. Who's to blame when my attitude had turned towards other end, pretty obvious that it's written all over me, it better be.
I've never had such bad experience living with someone. Or could it be just me? Then again, why am i responsible to look after her? We're not even close, we're not family, we're not friends so to speak. She was trying to be nice today, but Apple, i just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Now it's too late.
Rewinding back to today's morning after scene with an ultimate closing finale when Apple walked out of her bedroom in an innocently like princess wannabe asked "what's that smell?" .....Fark! I said to him, I want her out and when are you back? Tuesday? Tuesday that is!
09 June 2007
Today you could have been...
Well, here we are again. You with your pensive eagerness, teeming with piranhas of curiosity; and me with my head full of ideas and rabid Cheshire blasting cap of a smile. I am stuffed, stacked, and double-packed as if the magnesium of my imagination were tamped in by a happy-go-lucky pyromaniacal demon with no conscience, no other hobbies, and a used copy of the book "Grass" as inspiration. You poke me cautiously with the sharp (and, wisely, long) stick of your conversation to see just exactly what might happen if this balloon should blow. And, as if on cue, yet seemingly without warning, giant tentacles of analogy and didactic metaphors shoot out of my head and fill the space around us. Some will be either amusingly horrified or horrifically amused, but due to the detached sense disenchantment which permeates their reality, they are unable to discern the difference and go on with their work.
The vast panoply of imaginary words and non-Crayola-approved colors comes pouring forth from my dreamscape as I spin verbally. You look up at me from your watery marinara and half eaten chicken. I am sitting, two-fisted and frothing, on the not-comfortable-enough-to-sit-for-more-than-20-minutes faux-leather naugahyde tree-frog-green vinyl bench seat waving my vernacular about madly as if it was on fire and I was trying to convince the locals to salute it. They won't, of course; not with all this whip cream and milkshake on my face.
You didn't quite know this would happen, but the inkling you had was like a mouse in a labyrinth; cute to follow, and about as reliable as your own better judgment, so why the hell not and you just never know who you might stumble into when you have no stop signs on your path…!
Hilarious! I swear I saw fruit punch shoot out from your nose.
Well, here we are again. You with your pensive eagerness, teeming with piranhas of curiosity; and me with my head full of ideas and rabid Cheshire blasting cap of a smile. I am stuffed, stacked, and double-packed as if the magnesium of my imagination were tamped in by a happy-go-lucky pyromaniacal demon with no conscience, no other hobbies, and a used copy of the book "Grass" as inspiration. You poke me cautiously with the sharp (and, wisely, long) stick of your conversation to see just exactly what might happen if this balloon should blow. And, as if on cue, yet seemingly without warning, giant tentacles of analogy and didactic metaphors shoot out of my head and fill the space around us. Some will be either amusingly horrified or horrifically amused, but due to the detached sense disenchantment which permeates their reality, they are unable to discern the difference and go on with their work.
The vast panoply of imaginary words and non-Crayola-approved colors comes pouring forth from my dreamscape as I spin verbally. You look up at me from your watery marinara and half eaten chicken. I am sitting, two-fisted and frothing, on the not-comfortable-enough-to-sit-for-more-than-20-minutes faux-leather naugahyde tree-frog-green vinyl bench seat waving my vernacular about madly as if it was on fire and I was trying to convince the locals to salute it. They won't, of course; not with all this whip cream and milkshake on my face.
You didn't quite know this would happen, but the inkling you had was like a mouse in a labyrinth; cute to follow, and about as reliable as your own better judgment, so why the hell not and you just never know who you might stumble into when you have no stop signs on your path…!
Hilarious! I swear I saw fruit punch shoot out from your nose.
In building your character, will you ruin yourself?
He was in high spirits last night, and devoted a lot of time to stroking my ego. Just what I need, but it wasn't really like that. It's not a topic I'm completely comfortable with going on about 'my' career and how I should pursue it further...but seriously, like I am clueless about what I'm gonna do? Ahaha... Anyways, I was more interested when he talked about my art pieces and I've never seriously thought of my art as "mine." What is it about this talk that makes me want to shake something off my body?
I haven't even been painting much, yet he was so enthusiastic. And she, how she's always been about my paintings, which is... well, my compositions aren't especially enthralling, anymore i said to him. I take these words with a grain of salt. I know that I don't compare to many other people, in this realm, and I don't like to entertain thoughts like that. Neither do I feel proud of something that was given to me; it's got nothing to do with strength of character, it's a sloppy self-indulgent display of something neither virtuous or not. Not to say I'm innocent of things like that.
The truth is I can't take a compliment, if it's not based upon something shallow or untrue. If I'm actually competent at something that matters, being faced with that reality is a threat. I don't want to hear people tell me I'm good, because I don't want to think that I'm good, because I'm not, and even if I were, it would be wrong to think so, because if I thought so, I'd care, and it would be wrong to care. Confidence is combustible yet many of us can't live without it either. Sometimes this thing that once engulfed my life comes in handy. When I lay my hands on something, when someone needs help. At times if there is something powerful enough to try to describe, in analog. In my dreams, every night. In my mind, at the music. When I think, I see the structure and color of the thought. Art is internal; it's the dreamt reflection of science. It's still there, but it's not shared. It's a distortion; sunlight shines through a prism, and it becomes a visible range of frequencies. If that light is again distorted, through another mind, then another, its not recognizable as sunlight. I don't know. It's probably a selfish thing. I don't know, maybe it's something to be ashamed of. Yet I enjoy looking at what other people make with their lives.
If I make something, it's got to be offhand, with little thought invested. Sketch, rhyme, tweak, close the book, put it on a shelf. Use small words, say trivial things, kick it under the carpet. Living is business, and you've got to make yourself approachable, or at least, conceivable. "Nice to see you, I'm Jenny, hi, I'm me. Um, come in. You may not see, yet, but I can name 3,000 reasons that I'm just like you. I'm very adjusted. I keep my gaze set on the most basic alphabets and binary thought patterns. I want to help you make things simple. Simplicity is endearing, and trivial complexity is non-threatening. So look, flashy people, I'm always honest with you, I extend as far as your conception of me."
It's a slight-of-hand, but when I buy the time, I've forgotten what for. Today, I look through the neglected boxes in my closet, and I see little art projects, satirical poems I wrote when I was 17, tributes to ideas and loves, stories, paintings, songs, silly comics drawn between him and I, business ventures, designs... all... yeah, they're good. And I'm puzzled, yet impressed, that I had the motivation to create these. It's almost as if I'm my own child; I just can't touch that person. I've always underestimate myself, assuming, in hindsight, that every thing I've done has been a product of the culture, when research shows that it really wasn't.
So they say, "This is what you were born to do. This is why you were put on this earth." What? No. I calmly panic... noooo...what am I doing here, at all? I'm stuck; the issue being that I don't respect what I value? There's this thing I wrote when I was 18. I have forgotten many things that had happened in the past however I've got a photographic file cabinet for all my poems, in my mind. Fool that I was, I thought I wrote it for someone else:
Is fear inside you or do you fear the inside?
Do you love what you want or are you driven by pride?
Would you spit out your soul and trade it for fate?
If pleasure was cheap and the truth didn't rate?
Are you searching for safety or do you want wealth?
In building your character will you ruin yourself?...
Is it nothing but pain that your anger's made of?
Is it want that you hate or hate that you love?... There you go, no consolation, and for god's sake, no encouragement please.
He was in high spirits last night, and devoted a lot of time to stroking my ego. Just what I need, but it wasn't really like that. It's not a topic I'm completely comfortable with going on about 'my' career and how I should pursue it further...but seriously, like I am clueless about what I'm gonna do? Ahaha... Anyways, I was more interested when he talked about my art pieces and I've never seriously thought of my art as "mine." What is it about this talk that makes me want to shake something off my body?
I haven't even been painting much, yet he was so enthusiastic. And she, how she's always been about my paintings, which is... well, my compositions aren't especially enthralling, anymore i said to him. I take these words with a grain of salt. I know that I don't compare to many other people, in this realm, and I don't like to entertain thoughts like that. Neither do I feel proud of something that was given to me; it's got nothing to do with strength of character, it's a sloppy self-indulgent display of something neither virtuous or not. Not to say I'm innocent of things like that.
The truth is I can't take a compliment, if it's not based upon something shallow or untrue. If I'm actually competent at something that matters, being faced with that reality is a threat. I don't want to hear people tell me I'm good, because I don't want to think that I'm good, because I'm not, and even if I were, it would be wrong to think so, because if I thought so, I'd care, and it would be wrong to care. Confidence is combustible yet many of us can't live without it either. Sometimes this thing that once engulfed my life comes in handy. When I lay my hands on something, when someone needs help. At times if there is something powerful enough to try to describe, in analog. In my dreams, every night. In my mind, at the music. When I think, I see the structure and color of the thought. Art is internal; it's the dreamt reflection of science. It's still there, but it's not shared. It's a distortion; sunlight shines through a prism, and it becomes a visible range of frequencies. If that light is again distorted, through another mind, then another, its not recognizable as sunlight. I don't know. It's probably a selfish thing. I don't know, maybe it's something to be ashamed of. Yet I enjoy looking at what other people make with their lives.
If I make something, it's got to be offhand, with little thought invested. Sketch, rhyme, tweak, close the book, put it on a shelf. Use small words, say trivial things, kick it under the carpet. Living is business, and you've got to make yourself approachable, or at least, conceivable. "Nice to see you, I'm Jenny, hi, I'm me. Um, come in. You may not see, yet, but I can name 3,000 reasons that I'm just like you. I'm very adjusted. I keep my gaze set on the most basic alphabets and binary thought patterns. I want to help you make things simple. Simplicity is endearing, and trivial complexity is non-threatening. So look, flashy people, I'm always honest with you, I extend as far as your conception of me."
It's a slight-of-hand, but when I buy the time, I've forgotten what for. Today, I look through the neglected boxes in my closet, and I see little art projects, satirical poems I wrote when I was 17, tributes to ideas and loves, stories, paintings, songs, silly comics drawn between him and I, business ventures, designs... all... yeah, they're good. And I'm puzzled, yet impressed, that I had the motivation to create these. It's almost as if I'm my own child; I just can't touch that person. I've always underestimate myself, assuming, in hindsight, that every thing I've done has been a product of the culture, when research shows that it really wasn't.
So they say, "This is what you were born to do. This is why you were put on this earth." What? No. I calmly panic... noooo...what am I doing here, at all? I'm stuck; the issue being that I don't respect what I value? There's this thing I wrote when I was 18. I have forgotten many things that had happened in the past however I've got a photographic file cabinet for all my poems, in my mind. Fool that I was, I thought I wrote it for someone else:
Is fear inside you or do you fear the inside?
Do you love what you want or are you driven by pride?
Would you spit out your soul and trade it for fate?
If pleasure was cheap and the truth didn't rate?
Are you searching for safety or do you want wealth?
In building your character will you ruin yourself?...
Is it nothing but pain that your anger's made of?
Is it want that you hate or hate that you love?... There you go, no consolation, and for god's sake, no encouragement please.
08 June 2007
I don't agree with many things, but I may agree with you.
"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to." -unknown
It's never a bad thing to love. Experience has taught me that you just can't regret it. Something made you love them, there was something there that if even for just a second, put you on top of the world. A huge part of me wouldn't want to close my heart to this world. Live, and love, and experience because when it's all said and done, it won't be about how big your house was, or how fast your car went, as it will always be about the moments that took your breath away. I have never afraid to follow my heart, even though we all know that 99% of the time it's going to end anyway. By knowing this, I wouldn't want to let anything to hold me back either, because eventually we'll find that 1% and all the broken roads that got us there won't be breaking our hearts anymore.
"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to." -unknown
It's never a bad thing to love. Experience has taught me that you just can't regret it. Something made you love them, there was something there that if even for just a second, put you on top of the world. A huge part of me wouldn't want to close my heart to this world. Live, and love, and experience because when it's all said and done, it won't be about how big your house was, or how fast your car went, as it will always be about the moments that took your breath away. I have never afraid to follow my heart, even though we all know that 99% of the time it's going to end anyway. By knowing this, I wouldn't want to let anything to hold me back either, because eventually we'll find that 1% and all the broken roads that got us there won't be breaking our hearts anymore.
While facing a merchandise.
There is this phenomenon where a word might suddenly seem strange to you, if you repeat it many times. Well, it's the same with 2 liter bottles of soda. They're a strange shape and height; they look like they should contain pressurized chemicals and be attached to a big, steaming machine by hoses.
For every person I see, there will be a last time I ever see them. What will be written in time as the last interaction I have with a friend, the moment before I never see them, again? It's strange enough to exist, at all. Stranger still to be conscious of existence, and more, to be human. So where am I? Life is unpredictable; you never know when "getting old" is going to hit you. If ever there were a demographic of people that all look the same, it's the elderly. The older they get, the more inseparable they become in our minds; soft, fragile, pale beings with quivering voices. Are they real people to us? Why do they lose their claim to adult experience, as time goes on? And, when I'm hopefully old, will I be yelling from my immobile prison, will I be telling stories about my life, will I be sending greeting cards and gifts to family, pleading to have my existence acknowledged, as I blend into a soft, pastel, cotton background, with the other indistinct white and grey people? As we're disappearing, will I look around and wonder if I ever did try to recognize the people in my life?
There is this phenomenon where a word might suddenly seem strange to you, if you repeat it many times. Well, it's the same with 2 liter bottles of soda. They're a strange shape and height; they look like they should contain pressurized chemicals and be attached to a big, steaming machine by hoses.
For every person I see, there will be a last time I ever see them. What will be written in time as the last interaction I have with a friend, the moment before I never see them, again? It's strange enough to exist, at all. Stranger still to be conscious of existence, and more, to be human. So where am I? Life is unpredictable; you never know when "getting old" is going to hit you. If ever there were a demographic of people that all look the same, it's the elderly. The older they get, the more inseparable they become in our minds; soft, fragile, pale beings with quivering voices. Are they real people to us? Why do they lose their claim to adult experience, as time goes on? And, when I'm hopefully old, will I be yelling from my immobile prison, will I be telling stories about my life, will I be sending greeting cards and gifts to family, pleading to have my existence acknowledged, as I blend into a soft, pastel, cotton background, with the other indistinct white and grey people? As we're disappearing, will I look around and wonder if I ever did try to recognize the people in my life?
07 June 2007
A heart that I could carry in my pocket.
I asked about why is life so precious, when living is but shreds of joy and pain, loss and gain, torment and resent hanging on a cliff edge, where we are clawing for a hold the weak are pushed, the strong held back, the quiet cowed by the bold more rain than sunshine, the warm outdoes the cold safety in numbers, in the cold light of the dawnout on the cliff edge. Moss clings so easily but now it's not so easy for the likes of you and me. I want to meet nervous glances before the connection. I want to be able to bore a hole through your head and for you to hold it. I want that intensity without words, for a minute or for a day from across the table at one another. I want it filled to the brim of anything, be it contempt or love or jealousy or devotion. I want it so clear and strong and passionate that you wouldn't even have to stretch the chords we call vocals. Perhaps someone to walk up next to me and keep walking as if we know one another and we started together from point [a] and plan to continue to point [b]. Who keeps going no matter how far I go, keeping up and not questioning or asking "where". Who just says "hey" and that ends it and understands that silence in verbality can be golden at times because small talk is filler and shit and neither of us care anyway because before you speak you know nothing of a person more than their physicalities. How they carry themselves, the look on their face, the way they step, skip, stumble, and stop. How they cross a street with traffic near and how they get through a crowd. If they look both ways. If they breathe through their mouth or their nose. The things you always learn later when a person mattered, because by then we were past all your me..me..me. I'll listen just so I can talk. By then you care and even comfortable without talking. I want that first and all the rest after. Because I don't want to know your life and it's little details until I am comfortable, not the other way around. It should always be that way. No one does that. The words here are never and ever. Not yet.
I asked about why is life so precious, when living is but shreds of joy and pain, loss and gain, torment and resent hanging on a cliff edge, where we are clawing for a hold the weak are pushed, the strong held back, the quiet cowed by the bold more rain than sunshine, the warm outdoes the cold safety in numbers, in the cold light of the dawnout on the cliff edge. Moss clings so easily but now it's not so easy for the likes of you and me. I want to meet nervous glances before the connection. I want to be able to bore a hole through your head and for you to hold it. I want that intensity without words, for a minute or for a day from across the table at one another. I want it filled to the brim of anything, be it contempt or love or jealousy or devotion. I want it so clear and strong and passionate that you wouldn't even have to stretch the chords we call vocals. Perhaps someone to walk up next to me and keep walking as if we know one another and we started together from point [a] and plan to continue to point [b]. Who keeps going no matter how far I go, keeping up and not questioning or asking "where". Who just says "hey" and that ends it and understands that silence in verbality can be golden at times because small talk is filler and shit and neither of us care anyway because before you speak you know nothing of a person more than their physicalities. How they carry themselves, the look on their face, the way they step, skip, stumble, and stop. How they cross a street with traffic near and how they get through a crowd. If they look both ways. If they breathe through their mouth or their nose. The things you always learn later when a person mattered, because by then we were past all your me..me..me. I'll listen just so I can talk. By then you care and even comfortable without talking. I want that first and all the rest after. Because I don't want to know your life and it's little details until I am comfortable, not the other way around. It should always be that way. No one does that. The words here are never and ever. Not yet.
06 June 2007
Is it me?
Sometimes I like who I am, and I think in life it's important to feel that way. If you don't like me, then why are you reading this. If I've hurt you, I am truly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. As a society we are too easily attached, and too easily hurt, and so pain happens. But we all have to find our own way. Sometimes we hurt people on our paths of self discovery. I am sorry that I can't hold your hand, but I have to go my own way and find my own path and perhaps another who will meet me and walk with me awhile. I will not walk backwards for you but I would stop for a little when we are both tired. But life, is to happen. As hard as it may seem when things don't work out in your favor, you just have to realize that everything is leading you to the next part of your life. Find peace in that thought. As for me, I think I am amazing, and if you can't see that, then you are not seeing me, for you are still only seeing you.
But you are amazing.
Sometimes I like who I am, and I think in life it's important to feel that way. If you don't like me, then why are you reading this. If I've hurt you, I am truly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. As a society we are too easily attached, and too easily hurt, and so pain happens. But we all have to find our own way. Sometimes we hurt people on our paths of self discovery. I am sorry that I can't hold your hand, but I have to go my own way and find my own path and perhaps another who will meet me and walk with me awhile. I will not walk backwards for you but I would stop for a little when we are both tired. But life, is to happen. As hard as it may seem when things don't work out in your favor, you just have to realize that everything is leading you to the next part of your life. Find peace in that thought. As for me, I think I am amazing, and if you can't see that, then you are not seeing me, for you are still only seeing you.
But you are amazing.
05 June 2007
What's that?
Oh!! That's your ordinary half drunken full happy self yelling in your head "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING????"
What's that? Again you say... oh that?
That's simply and perhaps sinfully the one and the very same you that's always only ever been. The one holding on so long and so steadfast tight patient pensive waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... for your stubborn consciousness to take full hold of the one simple realization that you are all that is for the self, and that no thing and no one can make a single damn thing happen on the face of this earth unless you really want it to. Save the meaningful motion and purposeful action save yourself and the physical body of being in which you lie. Sleep now. Rest easy for now you know and understand that without motion and intention and action, you, are.....nothing.
Oh!! That's your ordinary half drunken full happy self yelling in your head "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING????"
What's that? Again you say... oh that?
That's simply and perhaps sinfully the one and the very same you that's always only ever been. The one holding on so long and so steadfast tight patient pensive waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... for your stubborn consciousness to take full hold of the one simple realization that you are all that is for the self, and that no thing and no one can make a single damn thing happen on the face of this earth unless you really want it to. Save the meaningful motion and purposeful action save yourself and the physical body of being in which you lie. Sleep now. Rest easy for now you know and understand that without motion and intention and action, you, are.....nothing.
It is some things I just cannot wrap my head around.
Endless pieces in an endless puzzle each in endless combinations of ever-changing shapes with ever-changing structural components and i just cannot wrap my head around any of my plausible reasons for pining to live out this fantasy based romantic disney-movie-closing-scene of an existence. That i feel like i want so badly for myself. Especially when the better part of the evidence i've taken in over time certainly stacks the odds up heavily against things ending up the way I hope for them to. And again, especially when I don't even feel like i've got myself figured out completely. No one does though. Some are just better at pretending, acting and accepting than others are. Or call it personal failure to admit powerlessness and total lack of control... and here i go again not making so much sense. The only thing i am absolutely certain of is that many of the questions i have will never be able to be answered for me. I suppose i just need to try to figure out the best pathway from where i stand here.
I know you like I know myself.
Endless pieces in an endless puzzle each in endless combinations of ever-changing shapes with ever-changing structural components and i just cannot wrap my head around any of my plausible reasons for pining to live out this fantasy based romantic disney-movie-closing-scene of an existence. That i feel like i want so badly for myself. Especially when the better part of the evidence i've taken in over time certainly stacks the odds up heavily against things ending up the way I hope for them to. And again, especially when I don't even feel like i've got myself figured out completely. No one does though. Some are just better at pretending, acting and accepting than others are. Or call it personal failure to admit powerlessness and total lack of control... and here i go again not making so much sense. The only thing i am absolutely certain of is that many of the questions i have will never be able to be answered for me. I suppose i just need to try to figure out the best pathway from where i stand here.
I know you like I know myself.
04 June 2007
An Everlasting Earth, some would say.
Work is strange. Everyone's a basket case disguised as a cardboard box. They're like those people that keep neat binders but have messy handwritings. I'll take the basket over the box, any day, more breathing holes I find. He thinks I'm stupid - he does. I guess, in a way, I am when i choose not to activate my mind, but not in this sense! You know, he thought I was actually attempting to scan a black and white photo and use the color button to convert it to color. I mean, jesus christ! There is something very, very wrong with everything about that situation. I can't even. And he knows me. I mean, what am I, a retard? Think I can press a button in a lesser-than-kodak program and turn black and white pictures into color? What am I doing wrong, here?
Last night, I was watching Eternal Sunshine....mind (for the second time as I fell asleep while watching it some years back... but i was really really tired at that time). This movie drives me crazy. I mean I hate it in so many ways, but it's also good. I hate every character, the story, its insight and candor and coolness. I don't like the way the conversations make me feel; how I can relate to everyone, knowing what it feels like to be chronically nice, neurotic, sought after, rejected, spontaneous, imbalanced, unfulfilled, unable to express oneself, volatile, inadequate, selfish, selfless, heartless, emotional, immersed, in love, confused, overly confident, misinterpreted, lucidly hallucinating, untrusted, unlucky, fortunate, and I know that that's how the movie makes everyone else feel, and that devalues it all.
I had some good advice, from a friend yesterday. I told him about this idea I have; this idea that intertwined symbolism with fable, philosophy, and art. He was so excited and made me realize that I have to do it. He didn't tell me that, exactly; he immediately approached it from an artist's perspective, and not just a thinker's. I have to "create" something to be able to properly convey it to some, not just write it. I think the one thing that stopped me from opening up to him for a very long time was his talents, and that I was restraining myself from relating to him. He stopped his art for many years and didn't restart till his late thirties. He gets it; I think. I think I use words to prove something to myself or to remind myself about things in many ways. I can't say exactly what that thing is. But some of us are always trying to become something we're not. Or unbecome what we were. I miss painting, where words aren't just written.
How can the renaissance have been the age of reason? We were just so in the dark that logic only made art better. Now it cheapens and copies, outshines and discredits. I want to live in a universe of belief. Where strange creatures exist and true judgment waits for me around every bend. I want to really think that poetry is sacred and reliable, experience is fluid, water is an element, light is a wave, and someday I'll die a peaceful death, having known all the right people and followed a path that was made for me by some benevolent, all-knowing, all-safe person that really, really does love me.
How cruel is it that I'm made to question that? How fortunate am I to have enough needs met to be able to approach those questions? How strange that my knowledge of the difference is a moral dilemma to me, despite the nature of the uncertainty.
Do you realize that we've been given a choice; the choice to never know we're not choosing, the choice to know we're not choosing, or the choice to be unable to choose? You either are convinced, before you reach the age of reason, never to ask... Or you must convince yourself, after that age, that it's virtuous not to question this one thing, while questioning all others, or you admit that you'll never know, while either believing that it does not matter if you do, or believing that it does. I believe it does. That's a belief that I've been convinced of, despite the belief's contradiction of itself.
I'll never know. And if I never know, what will be done with my soul? Will it be thrown into a dirty laundry heap of purgatory? Things that actually exist, things they're saving for something, but will never get washed? Who will pick me up and clean me? And how will I deserve my better fate, if it was dependent upon the actions of someone or something else?
I feel orphaned, sometimes. I wish I have a home. But I have faults that make me unsuitable. And I don't understand them. I'm asking, I'm asking. I'm asking?
I'm too self-righteous to be considered sometimes. Fate attempted to beat it out of me, but it was the only way to hang on. I remembered someone once said to me..." you know, you'll be the one getting hurt at the end of the day..." I'm just not strong enough, in the right ways. And now I'm alright. I've used these superficial tools to manage my way into the "normal world" and just can't let go of them. How many more years do I have? How many more tries... in this great procrastination. It's not the same, if the game is over. There isn't any way to make up for it.
I'm not cut out to be truly great or maybe I just need to make an impression. No Mother Theresa or Sai Baba, and I couldn't make it feel right, if I tried. Maybe they can find me a home? It's impossible to be good, when your path is defined by the existence of other objects. I can't "do anything" or "be anybody." No. Because they're taking up space, and they're pushing me around. And I push them back. Just because I don't want to be touched, internally. Vulnerable organs. I should remain organic. I'd rather be full and seamless; always exploding- an anti-vacuum. Who can reach in and touch others, then move away. To hurt you if you need hurting, love you if you need loving, wake you if you're sleeping, and then under-obligate you, "have a nice day." Don't get too excited, I say. You let go, fast, if you want to stay. Even the atoms that make you will go away. As much possible, perhaps an eternity of words in every day.
The Sun that burns through lifetimes. My own death is unfathomable, but it's written in my presence, here. It is part of the bargain, to come and to go. And it's because of this part of me that any "thing" doesn't really exist, at all. This world of illusion where absolute value is more than nothing, if it's less than the value of zero, and to dis-exist, you'd have to be created in the imagination. If it's predicated on belief, it is terminally suspect. If it's unbiased by faith, you must make yourself believe it. Hypocrisy is necessary to your name as Human.
Yes, in this world of advertisements, where anything is possible.
But not for the knowers. Only for the believers.
Work is strange. Everyone's a basket case disguised as a cardboard box. They're like those people that keep neat binders but have messy handwritings. I'll take the basket over the box, any day, more breathing holes I find. He thinks I'm stupid - he does. I guess, in a way, I am when i choose not to activate my mind, but not in this sense! You know, he thought I was actually attempting to scan a black and white photo and use the color button to convert it to color. I mean, jesus christ! There is something very, very wrong with everything about that situation. I can't even. And he knows me. I mean, what am I, a retard? Think I can press a button in a lesser-than-kodak program and turn black and white pictures into color? What am I doing wrong, here?
Last night, I was watching Eternal Sunshine....mind (for the second time as I fell asleep while watching it some years back... but i was really really tired at that time). This movie drives me crazy. I mean I hate it in so many ways, but it's also good. I hate every character, the story, its insight and candor and coolness. I don't like the way the conversations make me feel; how I can relate to everyone, knowing what it feels like to be chronically nice, neurotic, sought after, rejected, spontaneous, imbalanced, unfulfilled, unable to express oneself, volatile, inadequate, selfish, selfless, heartless, emotional, immersed, in love, confused, overly confident, misinterpreted, lucidly hallucinating, untrusted, unlucky, fortunate, and I know that that's how the movie makes everyone else feel, and that devalues it all.
I had some good advice, from a friend yesterday. I told him about this idea I have; this idea that intertwined symbolism with fable, philosophy, and art. He was so excited and made me realize that I have to do it. He didn't tell me that, exactly; he immediately approached it from an artist's perspective, and not just a thinker's. I have to "create" something to be able to properly convey it to some, not just write it. I think the one thing that stopped me from opening up to him for a very long time was his talents, and that I was restraining myself from relating to him. He stopped his art for many years and didn't restart till his late thirties. He gets it; I think. I think I use words to prove something to myself or to remind myself about things in many ways. I can't say exactly what that thing is. But some of us are always trying to become something we're not. Or unbecome what we were. I miss painting, where words aren't just written.
How can the renaissance have been the age of reason? We were just so in the dark that logic only made art better. Now it cheapens and copies, outshines and discredits. I want to live in a universe of belief. Where strange creatures exist and true judgment waits for me around every bend. I want to really think that poetry is sacred and reliable, experience is fluid, water is an element, light is a wave, and someday I'll die a peaceful death, having known all the right people and followed a path that was made for me by some benevolent, all-knowing, all-safe person that really, really does love me.
How cruel is it that I'm made to question that? How fortunate am I to have enough needs met to be able to approach those questions? How strange that my knowledge of the difference is a moral dilemma to me, despite the nature of the uncertainty.
Do you realize that we've been given a choice; the choice to never know we're not choosing, the choice to know we're not choosing, or the choice to be unable to choose? You either are convinced, before you reach the age of reason, never to ask... Or you must convince yourself, after that age, that it's virtuous not to question this one thing, while questioning all others, or you admit that you'll never know, while either believing that it does not matter if you do, or believing that it does. I believe it does. That's a belief that I've been convinced of, despite the belief's contradiction of itself.
I'll never know. And if I never know, what will be done with my soul? Will it be thrown into a dirty laundry heap of purgatory? Things that actually exist, things they're saving for something, but will never get washed? Who will pick me up and clean me? And how will I deserve my better fate, if it was dependent upon the actions of someone or something else?
I feel orphaned, sometimes. I wish I have a home. But I have faults that make me unsuitable. And I don't understand them. I'm asking, I'm asking. I'm asking?
I'm too self-righteous to be considered sometimes. Fate attempted to beat it out of me, but it was the only way to hang on. I remembered someone once said to me..." you know, you'll be the one getting hurt at the end of the day..." I'm just not strong enough, in the right ways. And now I'm alright. I've used these superficial tools to manage my way into the "normal world" and just can't let go of them. How many more years do I have? How many more tries... in this great procrastination. It's not the same, if the game is over. There isn't any way to make up for it.
I'm not cut out to be truly great or maybe I just need to make an impression. No Mother Theresa or Sai Baba, and I couldn't make it feel right, if I tried. Maybe they can find me a home? It's impossible to be good, when your path is defined by the existence of other objects. I can't "do anything" or "be anybody." No. Because they're taking up space, and they're pushing me around. And I push them back. Just because I don't want to be touched, internally. Vulnerable organs. I should remain organic. I'd rather be full and seamless; always exploding- an anti-vacuum. Who can reach in and touch others, then move away. To hurt you if you need hurting, love you if you need loving, wake you if you're sleeping, and then under-obligate you, "have a nice day." Don't get too excited, I say. You let go, fast, if you want to stay. Even the atoms that make you will go away. As much possible, perhaps an eternity of words in every day.
The Sun that burns through lifetimes. My own death is unfathomable, but it's written in my presence, here. It is part of the bargain, to come and to go. And it's because of this part of me that any "thing" doesn't really exist, at all. This world of illusion where absolute value is more than nothing, if it's less than the value of zero, and to dis-exist, you'd have to be created in the imagination. If it's predicated on belief, it is terminally suspect. If it's unbiased by faith, you must make yourself believe it. Hypocrisy is necessary to your name as Human.
Yes, in this world of advertisements, where anything is possible.
But not for the knowers. Only for the believers.
03 June 2007
Introspection.
If only I'd thought not to leave my heart on public display from the getgo things would probably be a great deal different for me now. Maybe then I wouldn't have to spend so much time wondering how life would be for me if I had turned out to be one of those people that spent their entire life resenting. I may be mistaken with this one, but I believe I've read something a while ago that the human brain doesn't finish fully developing until some point in adulthood, counting back, I must hace past that period though I hope there's still time for me to retrain certain aspects of mine. I've spent years downplaying the need for the treatment of certain emotional conditions for a while with modern medicine. But maybe i need to just suck it up. Maybe i need something else? I've never wanted to believe that we live in a world where a solution can just be swallowed and digested and like magic there's your medicinally altered persona. Just the way you thought you wanted to be. But lots of things are changing all the time so i'm sure i'm wrong as with many other things. I'm sure my distant yet undying hope for an underlying glimmer of faith in humanity in me is a futile one. Collectively we just don't have the heart and flying solo i just feel that something's amiss. I wish like hell that i felt i had good reason to maintain the childhood hearted me who hoped for disney movie endings for all people in all endeavors but that's just ridiculous. I want to have all the things that i'd spent my years planning for myself while i can still be called young. I want to have some bigger dream to fall back on instead of the fickle flighty one that i've been calling my reason for being for such a long long time now. What a friggin' mistake that's been. I just want a solid answer. I just want to say that i'm able to believe in something so that i can communicate with him/her/it and never doubt what i feel in my head or heart resulting from that communication. There is some certainty in all the uncertainty upon which i'm so terribly bent but only the kind that perpetuates confusion and lack of reason and endless spirals of anti-answers. i just don't think i can count on that happening for me and i think i'd feel false unto myself to try to force a thing like that into my life. It's like it's all i can do to stand cold eyed pensive and worrisome before the floodgates watching the tiniest sprinkle of leaks begin to spring and build upon itself until the earth under me rumbles and the walls begin to shake and then falter. But i find no reason to move even an inch and inevitably, the flood rushes through with its mighty waters rolling forth with me in its pathway and my final thoughts are comfort in familiarity as i know that this is a place that i have been before and will remember all too well. I only hope that this time it will take me to a consciousness from within from which i might never sleep. Maybe this is the heart I claim to seek.
If only I'd thought not to leave my heart on public display from the getgo things would probably be a great deal different for me now. Maybe then I wouldn't have to spend so much time wondering how life would be for me if I had turned out to be one of those people that spent their entire life resenting. I may be mistaken with this one, but I believe I've read something a while ago that the human brain doesn't finish fully developing until some point in adulthood, counting back, I must hace past that period though I hope there's still time for me to retrain certain aspects of mine. I've spent years downplaying the need for the treatment of certain emotional conditions for a while with modern medicine. But maybe i need to just suck it up. Maybe i need something else? I've never wanted to believe that we live in a world where a solution can just be swallowed and digested and like magic there's your medicinally altered persona. Just the way you thought you wanted to be. But lots of things are changing all the time so i'm sure i'm wrong as with many other things. I'm sure my distant yet undying hope for an underlying glimmer of faith in humanity in me is a futile one. Collectively we just don't have the heart and flying solo i just feel that something's amiss. I wish like hell that i felt i had good reason to maintain the childhood hearted me who hoped for disney movie endings for all people in all endeavors but that's just ridiculous. I want to have all the things that i'd spent my years planning for myself while i can still be called young. I want to have some bigger dream to fall back on instead of the fickle flighty one that i've been calling my reason for being for such a long long time now. What a friggin' mistake that's been. I just want a solid answer. I just want to say that i'm able to believe in something so that i can communicate with him/her/it and never doubt what i feel in my head or heart resulting from that communication. There is some certainty in all the uncertainty upon which i'm so terribly bent but only the kind that perpetuates confusion and lack of reason and endless spirals of anti-answers. i just don't think i can count on that happening for me and i think i'd feel false unto myself to try to force a thing like that into my life. It's like it's all i can do to stand cold eyed pensive and worrisome before the floodgates watching the tiniest sprinkle of leaks begin to spring and build upon itself until the earth under me rumbles and the walls begin to shake and then falter. But i find no reason to move even an inch and inevitably, the flood rushes through with its mighty waters rolling forth with me in its pathway and my final thoughts are comfort in familiarity as i know that this is a place that i have been before and will remember all too well. I only hope that this time it will take me to a consciousness from within from which i might never sleep. Maybe this is the heart I claim to seek.
02 June 2007
A Sudden Blur.
The events of the past month or so have all be compiled into a blur, the events utterly changes life, the experiences that I have faced are more than I can even start to understand. Some events leading to this day will always remain in my memory for years to come with every waking moment, this is still, the me.
Now I do not even remotely understand this "BLUR", happy moments, sad, love, fear, tired, and neutral. I just want to walk away from everything and start a new clean slate. But such as life is that will not ever happen, most will say pick you head up and walk above the issue, but the issue isn't all bad, some of the moments have been love, and fun though all great moments but have been torn into a chaotic confusion. You know how when things are flowing well and suddenly a one thing could triggered and surface a kind of fear from a past. Sucks! You just want to drop all and run then you're begining to feel like you've lost someone.
The responsibility of my actions will affect me. Sure I would think of what would happen if I take this shot, or if I fall down this stair, but This "BLUR" has taken more of an impact and made me realize that sometimes it is crap. Yesterday after spending much time on an art piece, I lost that inspiration to continue with frustration, I wanted to go crawl into a corner and melt so i ended up writing. This my friend is the "BLUR" which decays me. It takes all theses stresses, mistakes and good moments and compiles them into one giant fog that invades my head.
There are so many smaller events that haven't even hit, me.. and now all I can do is await this day, but see that day is soon, I can feel the anxiety build the fateful "BLUR". You have made me ill.
The events of the past month or so have all be compiled into a blur, the events utterly changes life, the experiences that I have faced are more than I can even start to understand. Some events leading to this day will always remain in my memory for years to come with every waking moment, this is still, the me.
Now I do not even remotely understand this "BLUR", happy moments, sad, love, fear, tired, and neutral. I just want to walk away from everything and start a new clean slate. But such as life is that will not ever happen, most will say pick you head up and walk above the issue, but the issue isn't all bad, some of the moments have been love, and fun though all great moments but have been torn into a chaotic confusion. You know how when things are flowing well and suddenly a one thing could triggered and surface a kind of fear from a past. Sucks! You just want to drop all and run then you're begining to feel like you've lost someone.
The responsibility of my actions will affect me. Sure I would think of what would happen if I take this shot, or if I fall down this stair, but This "BLUR" has taken more of an impact and made me realize that sometimes it is crap. Yesterday after spending much time on an art piece, I lost that inspiration to continue with frustration, I wanted to go crawl into a corner and melt so i ended up writing. This my friend is the "BLUR" which decays me. It takes all theses stresses, mistakes and good moments and compiles them into one giant fog that invades my head.
There are so many smaller events that haven't even hit, me.. and now all I can do is await this day, but see that day is soon, I can feel the anxiety build the fateful "BLUR". You have made me ill.
01 June 2007
Not flying a spitfire.
Taking time to reconcile the past. ahaha... Sending me away, tell me is it loaded? No but seriously I had fun. Can't deny that fact at all really. Should be watching both ways as I cross the road though, walking the yellow lines. Danger is so over-rated.
Taken but can it hold? This knot looks loose, maybe I should hold on to something just too make sure. You looked so beautiful sleeping next to me. Can say without a doubt that you're right, but I'm still gonna be wrong, always taking the wrong course it seems. Tell this devil what it's like, not looking for a hero that's for sure. Kiss on the forehead, something that made me feel warm. Can't take you out if your flying that fast. I can't get a lock.
Wooh! You're fast, so I'm closing just as fast. Now so with a bird with that motion, can you control it? I don't think so. Seems more like you're just taking blind shots and hard banks, more luck than skill love. Making my stomach hurt at the rate your going. Being pinned to my seat, some life is just cat and mouse, you're going to shoot me down if you have the chance? But you can't kill what you can't see.
I'll blow you a kiss as we do our flybys.
Taking time to reconcile the past. ahaha... Sending me away, tell me is it loaded? No but seriously I had fun. Can't deny that fact at all really. Should be watching both ways as I cross the road though, walking the yellow lines. Danger is so over-rated.
Taken but can it hold? This knot looks loose, maybe I should hold on to something just too make sure. You looked so beautiful sleeping next to me. Can say without a doubt that you're right, but I'm still gonna be wrong, always taking the wrong course it seems. Tell this devil what it's like, not looking for a hero that's for sure. Kiss on the forehead, something that made me feel warm. Can't take you out if your flying that fast. I can't get a lock.
Wooh! You're fast, so I'm closing just as fast. Now so with a bird with that motion, can you control it? I don't think so. Seems more like you're just taking blind shots and hard banks, more luck than skill love. Making my stomach hurt at the rate your going. Being pinned to my seat, some life is just cat and mouse, you're going to shoot me down if you have the chance? But you can't kill what you can't see.
I'll blow you a kiss as we do our flybys.
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