Happy Birthday

Today I wrote a birthday message of love to a dear friend, and in it, ended up giving myself a reality check...

"...this birthday should be yet another in a continuous stream of reminders of how amazingly lucky we are to have all of these. Life of wonderment and curiosity, the joy and pain of it all! To have these fingers and toes! To have the smell of sneakers to greet us when we open the door...! 

To remind you of the precious value and majesty of every tiny detail is to also remind myself; and that is a gift beyond measure.... "

So I thanked him for giving me the gift of redirecting my gift of giving back onto me! (?!) I must keep stepping out into the Real world of what-is-Really-Real-And-Good if I am to survive. Currently, I keep stepping out of my happy dream world into the harsh reality of "what is really not good and makes me very sad",and that being so overwhelming, I retreat back into my illusory world of denial and pretense. It's like having a wonderful room in which you stay, but the house it's in is horrible and nasty. If only you could get outside into the big world, you would be able to breathe again. And the worst part is... It's all In your head.

When I remember why I am really a happy and excited person in real life, it starts to cut through the clouds and lift the weight which crooks my back (so unflatteringly!). But there just seem to be so many clouds...Maybe it's best that when you can't see "out", that you look "in" for the time being...

It's a Winnie-the-Pooh sort of philosophy... a tubby little cubby, all stuffed with fluff, so it must be true..."Tut tut, it looks like rain!" - I spent so many years being Christopher Robin the problem solver, I guess it's only fair that I must cycle through my fair share of time being Piglet (afraid) & Tigger (extroverted) & Owl (didactic) & Rabbit (neurotic) & Pooh (serendipitously happy-go-lucky).  For the better and the worse, the lessons are undeniable.

lioness

its in her posture
and dropped syllables
to negate any questions regarding fulfillment
emotional, physical or otherwise

it is in the dead air that flattens the space between ear to mouth
with the weight of dissipating expectations

it is the vague flippancy of an i love you
it is missing the conviction
that is found with locked eyes

yet it is in the shadow of necessity where
the strength of her own truths lie
observantly waiting
for something to move

red apples

mossy ground gives and releases beneath bare feet
cool and moist
a caress of the earth to the ache

itching to run.

her black hair stick to skin
berry stained lips mouth words much like eating them up
sucking on the secrets of longing

looking to seek.

memory of a moment lost like disintegration
faded into a passing thought
brought back by touch

standing to fall.

data shuffle..

the perforation is still secure

enveloping the pencil shavings
and erased paper droppings that spill my
attempts like rich black ink.

recurring conceptual broadcast of the internal senses

sensitivity to one's light

sensory overload.

i have thought on my strengths

watched them drip from my desk
and down veins to collected patterns on the floor.

scattered samplings relating to my relations of self

self loathing and time spent

selfish shelf life.

Before and After


"The greatest irony of Love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again..."

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left, maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.

Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. My romantic piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before...

It's certain, there is someone out there who will love you even more.

As stories go

there is usually pain
death or some drama,
created by let downs of some type
feeling the quiet, its surrounding her and burrowing through ear canals
maybe its like going deaf,
after a while the white noise just fades
like a lullaby to drift you away to a healthier state of mind
she is quiet for the first time
her own voice in hibernation to herself
she is feeling sadness harder than usual but
she has been told things are usually for the best
she is growing her thin skin out to callused a bit
to live without that empty self induced guilty feeling
as stories go

love

is always patient and kind. it is never jealous. love is never boastful or conceited. it is never rude or selfish. it does not take offense and is not resentful. it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure...

so what went wrong? can't even describe the feeling of hurt.

maybe it has found a safer place to hide and not another word is easy.