Slipping beneath the dark waves.... 


Life becomes so much easier to bear when one gives up their struggle to keep their head above the surface and travels with the dark rushing tides. The womb of this water as cold as it is I find strangely comforting sometimes. Gone forever the wasted years and memories of the past. It's easy, to find out just how ugly you are on the inside.

Tragedies seem so far away totally devoid of emotion the world is so much easier to bear. And in all the darkness one can find faint glimmers of light at the depths of sanity and who needs color in a world so grey? No use for feeling of emotions especially that feeling known as love and maybe it is a trick of nature to get humans to mate. It seems ridiculous to have ever been so infactuated with such a thing. But there is always the surfacing when a wave comes that makes one such as I who have based my life on such ideals as love and destiny rethink the budding philosophies. Even within the depths you stand naked before the world so readable yet they all fake their sympathy for you.

Why must people do that? They say they are worried about you and try to be your personal savior as if your life can easily become one that even you yourself do not recognize.

I just wish I knew the reasons and cause, because I sure know the effect....

PNS Syndrome

That stands for Paranormal Nagging Spirits Syndrome. These nagging little voices are always telling me what to do and telling me to improve my self. It's bad enough that they natter at me all of the time, but then they always insist that I have to go public with the whole thing. Yet, nobody else in the room ever hears them. I wonder how much longer until they make a little pill to make the voices in my head go away. Then I think about how lonely it would be inside my head if I didn't hear them anymore. Every time I think about that pesky little going public' part, I find my sanity going out the window again. Can't we keep this to ourselves?

I read articles, and newsletters and it amazes me how open and factual it all sounds. Hello! Did you forget that we are weird? Why aren't you hiding? Wait until we have more real tangible proof! Then I remember all of the pioneers that came before us. This must be how it feels to be a pioneer in any field of study, whether it's exploring uncharted territories, studying Quantum Physics, decoding DNA, or walking on the moon. The normal everyday Joe sits back with this bewildered look on his face saying, "No way!" There's always that element of "Wow! I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes," as we share our discoveries with the rest of the world.

I remember way back to college days that the voices used to come and talk to me. I was terrified to tell anyone for fear they'd lock me away in a little padded room. After many years of making those guiding voices prove themselves to me over and over again, I finally came out of the closet so to speak and began telling my closest friends. They didn't think I was nuts.

I've seen too many things and had heard too many stories just like mine, not to believe something or someone is out there helping us. The voices in my head have proven themselves correct and loyal too many times for me to doubt them. Isn't it natural to feel crazy and insane when pioneering into areas that are unknown and different from what we're used to? Can this many people really be crazy with the same mental health problems? Do we all have some sort of Joan of Arc Complex that makes us create the illusion that we're here to help and maybe even save these people? Do we just sell snake oil to ourselves saying it's some sort of magical elixir? Well if I'm crazy, then please don't save me.

I love believing that I'm the kind of person who steps up to the plate and does the impossible. I love believing that I was put on this planet to make a tiny difference. Oh please don't cure me of my fantasies that magic really happens. If this is crazy, then so be it. I'm in good company.

It has always been monday.

The night stretched itself into a blurry ball of noise, they pretend to be absent from each other's existence because it's too crowded in here. He pretends not to go, I pretend not to know. Girls like she never admit to all the things she already know, what she has to do, what she'll never do. And she shan't! I don't know who she is anymore, she never knew I was her core.

Last night I was so exhausted, a box of pushing pins fell onto the wooden floor and it scattered everywhere. After picking up all my thoughts, I realize things are never ever what you expected. Like the shadows of the dim-en day, inside my room, they say that all things are an illusion just like the moon, and I live in the night always.


There was a funeral in the movie and it reminded me of the dream I had the night before that day that my father will be dying. I almost forgot why I woke up with such tantrum.

Twenty-09

So as I said, "It's all about the 09"
Should be a good year.

A new hobby, I hope.
A fitter body, for sure.
A sharper mind, but how? - not Sudoku

A happier she.

If anything was missing out of 2008, it was a person. I did not exactly connect with anyone. I blogged about being patient, perhaps in the hope that my veil of patience might actually hurry things up a bit....but that's not the point.

I hope things will be different this year. Even if it is fleeting, as long as it is special. As long as I remember this for the next 30 years. I have people of that calibre and I have past connections who I can not help but look back and a smile with every fibre in my body when they pop into my thoughts.

Here it is. To the highs and lows of the year. It will be raw, tipsy and emotional, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

A happy new year. So may yours be as good as mine.

Wise women

It seems like there's almost zero left in our age group. I bet most can't even read past this- ok partying, drugging, drinking etc...

Proactivity - you make it seem like its all about fun and getting "mind-fucked" repeating the same old stories over and over again... Am I saying its wrong? Am I a hypocrite? I am smiling.

What happened to growing into a useful person seeking creativity, art, justice, real love, care for people, concern for the unconcerned, truth? Excuse me but to let me put this into two words maybe you might understand "the real world". I noticed that some of you can't even read a full book, nor speak eloquently or with any dictation, that what is more important is your surface painted with cheaply made of materials. It just doesn't go well together.

I have a bone to pick with your little brains. And some harsh words for you to bear...You aren't women, your dreams are useless, your hearts are filled with nothing, lives going down a road of hopelessness more than wasting, your body decaying, your eyes blind, your hands full from noun you have taken and not given back, you think your stable job is a way to get you your "fabulous" lifestyle of anywhere closer to your ideology. 
Face reality and the worlds offerings which are far greater than any party with drugs and booze puke coming from your little selfish lips. Please don't call yourself a women or a girl or anything related to a female, you only posess that name because of your genital area. 
But call yourself unwoman, ungiving, negligent, powerless, mind-washed.

Me I am nowhere close to perfect, no where near good, but my life is nowhere close to stupidity. I need to surround myself with people who will change the world for good not for themselves, which we have our lovely product today.

Men say hello to your useless future wives.