Religion and Me

Lately I have found myself awake, long after everyone in this city has fallen asleep. I have been thinking a lot about religion, a subject which I find myself quite conflicted about, and ironically it just keeps me up even later…

For a long time I thought I was an atheist, but recently I came to the conclusion that it was just a cop out. There is so little that we know about the universe. Even if one believes in the Big Bang Theory, one cannot explain why we are here on a long enough timeline. The argument of causation can just go on, and on, and on, forever. And it seems that something had to be timeless and infinite for there to be anything here at all. I also came to the conclusion that blindly believing in a religion was also a cop out. The idea of God can really seem quite absurd to me at times. I don't feel negatively towards religion in fact at times I wish I had faith in a God. I believe that being religious saves you a lot of grief, especially when dealing with death. When you don't believe in a heaven, death is pretty scary. In that sense I envy those that are religious, yet at the same time I feel that most people who are religious totally undermine their own intellect. The depiction of God in most religious books make God out to have humanlike emotions and psyche, and even go so far as to say that man is created in the image of an utterly infinite and intangible entity. It just seems like it is a pompous and egotistical manmade creation, that was fabricated solely to dull the pain and fear of death. There is that absurd notion in all major religions that while God created every single human being in this world he picked favorites and fucked over everyone else that believed in something different, or god forbid never heard that God was picking favorites. Religion is supposed to provide teachings from a divine being, but how can it provide it when the institution of church in itself is so corrupted by humanity.

It seems that no matter what religion one believes in, there is murdering, molesting, genocide, and war being performed in the name of that religion. Then again I think about the complexity of our universe, and I cannot even begin to understand how it exists and I am at a loss. For now I will remain agnostic, which is also bothersome because I feel like that too is a cop out. Because being agnostic is just kind of agreeing with both sides, and not really deciding anything for yourself. Perfectly Neutral... That feels as if I just haven't explored the argument far enough but it is giving me a headache so for now I quit... And if THAT gives me the feeling that I am undermining MY OWN intellect. There is just no answer to this, but can one be satisfied with that? DAMN!