imperfecture

2010-10-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

If not today then perhaps tomorrow...

My brain tilts on a flimsy swivel stick, both encased in my cumbersome head. Whose eyes you might sometimes look into and swear maybe something was going on... that you didn't realize when actually I can only fool you into that because for the better part of the time I don't even know myself.

I swear they're there the voices like you say just a bit more subtle and less audible. Maybe I'm the voices and in some other plane of existence, there's some lost listless person wandering around just hoping they might get it right. While here I am interjecting random bits of thought and action here and there, without any definite consistent goals or even an immediate course of action. Merely just fucking it up for the poor fellow over and over and still. And at times, I feel it might be heaven's greatest mercy that somehow some traumatic freak occurance might take place to sever the signal coarsing along the network... that is my most untrustworthy fickle central nervous system.

Worse things could have happened to better people.

2010-09-18T18:25:00.000-07:00

Till the fire plays with me when we have it all figured out

What better way to forget some things I've done than to indulge myself in a fleeting life of sin in a way I thought I never might.

An accumulation of days spent being somebody who's intentions; I thought best at a time and to then find out that none of this necessarily has any bearing on the future or any bearing on those for whom I have such great concern for.

Forgetting myself for a while, tasting, breathing and swimming in a sea of the adulturous capitalist monster. Exchanging the sight of some shameful skin that might also one day hope to forget the garments shed and feels like food might be put on the side of the table.

Because in so many ways we're so much the same, it's shame and it's sin and it's sad and it's duality. And it's something I hope can be ignored in future days in altered future selves and tears shed collected and dry on the bed spread, the table top and through it all but none of this can speak even a word for what we hope might be of ourselves at a later time.

All the world's good intentions can sometimes count for as little as breeze blown dust to the air and into your eyes bringing the sting and welling tears to drip and to deliver to the air of your home a little taste of a simple course of action that you wish could be wiped clean from the face of history but that won't be because you won't forget why you cried them.

I want to wake up somewhere else, someone else, without a recognizable past.

Entirely.

2010-09-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

I'm Sorry....

2010-09-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I would love...

Taking on your body language. Making you smile without moving your mouth. Pausing in the middle of a kiss and saying "Hi." Knowing that there is always something bigger to catch. Knowing that you aren't beautiful until I know you. Keeping things sacred and being for just one person. Watching your hands move when I should be listening to you speak. Knowing I'm saying more when nothing's coming out of my mouth. Having a tight grip. Feeling your expressions change when your face is buried in my neck. The scent of your voice, the sworn secrecy that your eyes give me when I'm spilling, the one millionth of a millimeter between our skin; just enough room. Breathing in what you breathe out. Look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.

But could not.

2010-08-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Beautiful, sweet...sleepy

And here's for glossy starry eyes, dizzy dreams   and kisses to calm you to close the night in... as we slowly but steadily with each breath, taking in air stolen from a horizon of hours past... until our eyes peek open... to new pinks, yellows, greens and blues.

2010-08-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

You have it like nobody else...

2010-08-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

The Infinite Plunge

Caught in a glance into eyes so deep and green, the reflected light in heavenly astrological figures to hold me there forever....this seemed such a distant self delusive fantasy and it all just feels like falling.

2010-08-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

To the rhythm...of my consciousness

It is days like this when I stop-think-realize then begin to radiate this gorgeous grateful glow. From all the being of my body heart and mind, meaningful motions carrying me. Forever into through and back out of myself and all I can do is to smile and make evident the moment's bright perfection.

It is days like this when all I have to give are my endless endless thanks to anyone-everyone-anywhere who has ever even brushed past even the slightest hint of a moment in my life. This, I couldn't explain it even if I tried.

It is only days like these.

2010-08-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Unseen

Two hands and wrists heavy from heart scarred sleeves
 two left feet that keep stumbling into the wrong headspace of thought
 rational words of space and time should fall upon a sympathetic ear 
but the angry reds of swollen eyes are screaming at me to adhere to my own internal rules.

Two eyes that dig deep and burrow into your secrets
 two arms that hold too tightly to foolish promises of romantic notions 
disposing of my jaded thoughts with sling shots of dismissed comments
 but the fear that creeps besides me shadow boxes all attempts to rise above.

Two lips that tell too much and too quickly to remember 
two ears that hear the negative like surround sound from the best seats of the house
 idealistic and imperfect dreams and desires painted with oil slicks upon a blank canvas
but without vision the color bleeds to muddled brown to paint with shades of gray.

2010-08-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

Just Smile...all the time

Like a still frame photo I'm stuck fast in a smile's summit.
I'm a marionette suspended from strings of gravity and gratitude.

2010-08-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Sobriety

We talked about the search for true love as though it is always and only a solitary quest. I am disturbed by the weighty emphasis on the topic of self and in out culture as a whole. So when I talked about my yearning, I felt like a bucket of water being splashed onto my face when people told me over and over that I did not need anyone else. They said I do not need a companion and/or a circle of loved ones to feel complete, that I should be complete inside myself.

While it is definitely true that inner contentedness and a sense of fufillment can be there whether or not we commune in love with others, but it is equally meaningful to give voice to that longing for communion. In my opinion, life without communion in love with others would be less fufilling no matter the extent of one's self love.

Rewinding the conversation at the back of my head, thinking cynicism is definitely the greatest obstacle to love in our time sadly but truly. I find most people are obsessed with fears which consumes energy that could be given to the art of loving.

Well, who am I to say.? Once again, it's another gathering/drinking weekend that stir my thoughts with a sharp note which I should have avoided.

2010-08-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

I wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me.

It might as well be as though the craft of choice is the braking of hearts. As far as mine is concerned anyway... ever so subtly you crafted in conversation the absolutely most perfect and fitting of subjects... you craft such smooth and seemingly pleasant casual conversation but really i feel like you're driving words like a silver bullet.

You speak as though the mere presence in your life was a complete miracle in and of itself. And when i knock your answer is just another "oh...hi." Maybe time will work to turn round once again and love will somehow be reborn into our world together but for now I suppose that the best of things between us have passed, and that the most tactful, rational thing I can do at this point would be to paint to decrease the length of time it will take to make me forget.

Every time I said I love you I meant it completely and absolutely. And when I said thank you the way i did... I meant it as much as I've ever meant those words before. It hurts but thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

2010-08-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

A Dream

You were the kind of dream I wish I hadn't woken up from.
And now I'm having such a hard time even getting back to sleep.

2010-08-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you, gooodbye. I'll see you soon.

My brain didn't stop that night, everything could have happened, but nothing did.

I was an observer, standing there in a place where I felt uncomfortable and they would never have noticed the difference. I smiled, I said hello. My guts didn't twist with anxiety. He looked exactly the same, it's been a long time, and a long time since he crossed my thoughts. That chapter which didn't have a full stop, now does.

People I've met over the years drifted in and out of my sight, and in and out of my consciousness. People I want to meet did the same. There were some jewels in the rough. A couple of nice people genuinely concerned for my well-being. For which I was appreciative.

Through all off the events, on a night which went from moderate expectations to potential early shut down, one amazing figure was constant in my mind. The city I left behind. The city I didn't say goodbye to, the city I left in a hurry...

2010-08-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

Pounding Endlessly

Never play a new drinking game with margaritas. First off, you get horrible brain freeze. Secondly, I forgot almost all of the rules and made up my own.

I can't remember what all I cam up with, but now I have a pretty good headache that tells me I played a little too well.  

Or maybe I poured too well.  

No one may know.  

2010-08-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

Mindful Consumption

During a conversation over a nice vegetarian lunch with my love and hate friend "Mr White", I realized that this is something I should share with many, and exercise more than I already do in my own life.

Whenever you eat something, a piece of fruit, cereal, a steak, whatever, you're not just ingesting the particles of that food - you're also absorbing the energy that's been put into it.

For instance, when you eat an organic orange, you can feel good knowing that the energy put into growing this fruit was healthy. The tree was grown naturally and without pesticides or biological changes to the seed itself. This means the farmer also had to take extra care of his crop, rather than just spraying it. Caring for something is understanding it and understanding is love.

So, you guessed it... the organic orange you are eating is full of love. Call it cheesy but I believe this to be true.

Now take a look at a hotdog. This pig or chicken in this was more than likely, unless stated on the package as holistic/cruelty free, was treated rather poorly. Typically kept in small confines, fed artificial foods to make it fatter and more delicious, and most likely killed inhumanely. So you can imagine the energy put into this hotdog is not something of a positive nature and knowing what hotdogs already are, adding cruelty to the list of ingredients isn't going to help the case.

Before you get all skeptical, I'm not telling you that eating animals is wrong, and I'm not asking you to change your diet.

All I ask is for ONE thing.

The next time you eat something, think about what it is you're eating. Perhaps think about the origins, including the farmer who raised it, the family he/she is supporting, the grass or soil it lived off of, the air it took in, the sun....the entire universe.
Mindful eating, that is. A form of meditation I should practice regularly to help me become truly connected with what I'm putting into my body and into this world. If we can understand the deep connection between us and what we're eating, I believe that understanding can turn into love, and we can truly begin to appreciate the beauty of this world and the reasons we need to conserve it.

Mr White said: Maybe we should do something together with this. - Why not?

2010-08-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

New words

Someone taught me:
un-useful-ness is "actually" useful.

How does it work?
un = negative
ness = positive

negative + positive = neutral

therefore un-useful-ness = useful

So, let's practice another new word:

un-fair-ness = ?

There you go, smart-ass.

*by writing this, I was afraid that lightning might strike on me* ::chuckles::

2010-08-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

If words could describe how it felt:

Head bent back with neck exposed
to stars beyond apartment ceilings
the light is dancing as a man would
movement guided only by
the flickering in the eyes of another

Color above distorting into
halos of candy colors shaking with vibrations
moving with the beats echoing the heart
whispering commands to me in a secret tongue
coaxing out the woman inside me with lovers eyes and intensity
with commands hushed into kissed words

I moved for you
made love to your eyes, mouth, and hands
with simultaneous pleasures
seeing something invisible to any other
reaching in to wrap your hand around the truth in me
never with any request for the proof from me

Music crashed through with thunderous applause
yet silent in slow motion and frozen in time
with licked lips and flowing hair
inhibitions dissipating into evaporated shame
leaving condensation upon your forehead

A lover who can bring color to my cheeks
with a look across the room
making me feel like a jazz song on a rainy day
beautiful and devastating
a half mended broken heart
wrapping arms around all the lovers in the world,
in an embrace that shatters existence.

2010-07-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

Half Circle

I woke up this morning after a restless night to a feeling that can roughly be described as empty. Not empty like I've experienced in the past, really empty. Devoid of emotion. So I sat down to write, just as I have many times before when I'm confused, lost, heavy-hearted, or otherwise in turmoil. I spent the better part of 2 hours writing almost nothing and another 1 painting nothing. So I went read through what I had written and was nothing less than disgust with myself.

All these things that were "bothering me" - mere bits of depthless bitching smeared with raging self-pity. Embarrassed, ashamed. Who am I to snivel about things when I should consider myself lucky to have everything I do? For a moment I stared at the selfish words that just screamed poor little me. I was surprised and angry and quick to dismiss my shallow angst.

What's wrong?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

Writing has always proved to help me sort through my thoughts, sift through the mess, and find an answer. Why then is it different today? Why, after my emotionless outburst is my answer still I don't know?

I am missing something. I don't know what yet, but something. I don't feel complete. I fight with a lingering sense that I need something more. Something? What the fuck is something? Meaning? Satisfaction? Someone to love?

It's occurred to me that I've found love, at least once, and ran from it.

I feel like I have a lot to say to certain people right now, but I'm unsure of exactly what I want to say, or how to say it. For someone who is so naturally good at dancing with words, it's unsettling to be at such a severe loss for it. I'm confronted by the lyrics I've come to love as much as I've come to fear.

There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss.

I'm afraid to admit that despite my façade, I'm having a hard time forgetting regret.

Westie said to me: mama please sleep. Others will say relaxxxxxx...

2010-07-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

Skewed endlessly against

Funhouse mirrors read like non fiction 
cracked versions of external disguises
  from sensory overloads to lies told

A different person, in a different place
 well tailored,  immaculately groomed
Within her own perception
she is-

covering all reflective surfaces

to turn within
again and again,
to spin

until sparkles regress into pavement

the minds eyes
watching wildly pushing towards fears
like a Cyclops vicious

until blinded

2010-07-06T04:15:00.000-07:00

あなた、愛しています

how could this be you?

2010-07-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Spinning top

just as you are 
with flaws, imperfections 
frustrations involve 
spinning tops
 on the hard wood floor
 so close to an open door 
fall through the cracks 
like forgotten faces  

eyes look around
 in every direction 
except on me 
where they ought to be 
spilling hearts
like a open wound
 from my side  

I love you still
 even if you don't mention
 the fit of my dress
 the cut of my hair
 or the way it sweeps
over my eyes
 focused on you

2010-06-23T01:31:00.000-07:00

I met you once

somewhere between birth and sleep
 with a sideways glance
 to make you mine
 I pour you wine
 to keep you here
 though eventually everyone goes
 think you may hear the story
 within the notes of jazz
 think you may see things
 within the sharps and flats
 between the lines
 
 whispered my favorite words
 quietly in your ear
 the poetry of  Leonard Cohen  
seeping into your skin
 to moisten eyes
 to soften hearts 
to awaken my awareness
of your  fingers lightly trailing my skin

 begged on bended knees
 for you to see inside of
 the ordinary me
 to seek out the extraordinary
 idiosyncrasies of the bourgeoisie
 traits that make you second guess
 the sanity of you and me
 
kissed your mouth
with abandon  hands
clenched to shoulder blades
 exhaled spoken word
 to you in tongues
 the secrets of the beatniks 
through scribbles left behind 
wafting on the smoke filled songs
 sticking to the walls
 turning everything blue

so  I met you once  
somewhere between birth and sleep 
someone who still knew  
what it meant to howl.

2010-06-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Religion and Me

Lately I have found myself awake, long after everyone in this city has fallen asleep. I have been thinking a lot about religion, a subject which I find myself quite conflicted about, and ironically it just keeps me up even later…

For a long time I thought I was an atheist, but recently I came to the conclusion that it was just a cop out. There is so little that we know about the universe. Even if one believes in the Big Bang Theory, one cannot explain why we are here on a long enough timeline. The argument of causation can just go on, and on, and on, forever. And it seems that something had to be timeless and infinite for there to be anything here at all. I also came to the conclusion that blindly believing in a religion was also a cop out. The idea of God can really seem quite absurd to me at times. I don't feel negatively towards religion in fact at times I wish I had faith in a God. I believe that being religious saves you a lot of grief, especially when dealing with death. When you don't believe in a heaven, death is pretty scary. In that sense I envy those that are religious, yet at the same time I feel that most people who are religious totally undermine their own intellect. The depiction of God in most religious books make God out to have humanlike emotions and psyche, and even go so far as to say that man is created in the image of an utterly infinite and intangible entity. It just seems like it is a pompous and egotistical manmade creation, that was fabricated solely to dull the pain and fear of death. There is that absurd notion in all major religions that while God created every single human being in this world he picked favorites and fucked over everyone else that believed in something different, or god forbid never heard that God was picking favorites. Religion is supposed to provide teachings from a divine being, but how can it provide it when the institution of church in itself is so corrupted by humanity.

It seems that no matter what religion one believes in, there is murdering, molesting, genocide, and war being performed in the name of that religion. Then again I think about the complexity of our universe, and I cannot even begin to understand how it exists and I am at a loss. For now I will remain agnostic, which is also bothersome because I feel like that too is a cop out. Because being agnostic is just kind of agreeing with both sides, and not really deciding anything for yourself. Perfectly Neutral... That feels as if I just haven't explored the argument far enough but it is giving me a headache so for now I quit... And if THAT gives me the feeling that I am undermining MY OWN intellect. There is just no answer to this, but can one be satisfied with that? DAMN!

2010-05-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

Goodbye

27 May will be my last day in JLL. So it's been 4.5 years and it has been quite an experience. I have met some amazing people, be it clients, colleagues and learned about my strengths as well as my limitations, and discovered that I made the right choice when I chose to enter this and had chosen to leave at the right time too.

Nothing will be missed, I'm just looking forward to a new chapter.

2010-02-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

Run again and free

His brief presence in my life instilled only purest joy into my heart.

2010-01-20T06:48:00.001-08:00

But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Kahlil Gibran

2010-01-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Mediocre

I could name a few. They care because they need the hits, the friends, the name that rides currents. They need to be part of the radiowaves that bring anyone else to attention. They need people to turn their heads when they say the same thing everyone else does in the same voice with the same face.

2010-01-09T05:21:00.000-08:00

Biggest affliction at the moment…  

Resolutions -  I've never been big on making New Year resolutions. I've made some trivial ones in the past but like many, I gave them up or forgot about them within a month. This year I didn't make any to start on the first of the year but after some thought I've decided to try something a little different.

Every month I'm going to make a new "mini resolution." I haven't decided what any of them are going to be yet but it will be something like, "during so-and-so month I'm not going to drink," or, "for this month I'm going to try something I've never done before." I think this way I'll be able to keep each resolution without cheating, and in the end I'll have bettered myself 12 times throughout the year instead of just once for the whole year.  

2009-12-15T04:44:00.000-08:00

In judging others;

Mother Teresa said, "If you judge people, you don't have time to love them." If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As we seldom know what roads people have traveled before a shared encounter or why they have come into our lives, we should always give those we meet the gift of an open heart. Doing so allows us to replace fear-based criticism with appreciation because we can then focus wholeheartedly on the spark of good that burns in all human souls.

2009-12-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

No life on Mars

 It's very rare when you read about something that causes you to wanna change your whole system of beliefs, and go on a whole different path that would have been completely foreign before.  I was reading an article about Global Warming, like many others knew vaguely about it and the "threat" it imposed. The solutions are hard, but not as hard as the problem itself. The problem is kinda small, if you consider a planet that is completely underwater, small. I'm welcome to ideas and thoughts on this subject as i wanna find out more and do my part in preserving this planet and to help save the environment and keep it as clean as possible.

Being lazy and relying on oil for everything has to stop. Alternative fules are around and have been.... for a while. But it's just too hard to get the a-holes in congress to stop supporting them because we all know they take the money from highest bidder, and agriculture doesn't pay as well as the "big Boys".and they also likely won't wake up to the fact that they are dooming our country and planet because - shortsightedness. Just like voting, people think what's their one vote gonna do? It probably never occur to them that if enough people voted based on the ideas the candidates support, then the one who's idea is like yours will be in office and will make changes.  

The problem is enough people aren't aware of the environment or take the issue of "well what's done is done, or one person can't change anything"  attitude. But think about it, one person can, look at what Rosa Parks did, or Abraham Lincoln for that matter. They stood up for what is right and even though many objected they prevailed.   I hope this planet prevails, because we don't have another one to head off too...unless mars has space to rent.

2009-11-30T07:42:00.000-08:00

sideliners

run away from a starting point 
keep time like a marching band 
with the sound off looking off into another time and space
 remaining on a track that never stops
 keep passing that same sideliner
sitting off left in the bleachers
 watching without interest
 the dust kick up from new tennis shoes
 if there was a reward 
an Eskimo pie off in the distance?
 perhaps incentive could quell  this sense of dread
 feet keep thumping like a heartbeat
 afraid if I stop  the voice in my head
will scare  the other runners 
where are all the cheer leaders
when you need them most?

2009-10-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

another time

im taking my words to a different place
walking through streets at a different pace
 with lowered eyes  
lowered blinds 
lowered lights

 i would like to write upon the insides of the eyelids 
view visions of the visionaries
 share a part of something amazing
 with broken walls
 broken shards
 broken records
are playing backwords a song that never ends
 when i challenge you for inspiration
 to light fires

2009-09-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

empathy

His embrace as I opened the door was deliberately warm. Mine was disappointingly not.
We sat on the couch, our bodies forming a triangular opposite. My deliberate attempt to avoid intimacy. My attempt to 'wind things down' so when the inevitable news is delivered, it doesn't come as such a shock.
I may be the one delivering the news to myself, as a realisation I guess.
What's wrong with this situation? There is nothing wrong.
Much could be written about feeling out of place. Not feeling like it fit.
Put simply, the need to sort through a pile of feelings to separate the insecurities from the ones that say it isn't right. And those that say it is.

2009-08-30T03:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

Today I wrote a birthday message of love to a dear friend, and in it, ended up giving myself a reality check...

"...this birthday should be yet another in a continuous stream of reminders of how amazingly lucky we are to have all of these. Life of wonderment and curiosity, the joy and pain of it all! To have these fingers and toes! To have the smell of sneakers to greet us when we open the door...!   To remind you of the precious value and majesty of every tiny detail is to also remind myself; and that is a gift beyond measure.... "

So I thanked him for giving me the gift of redirecting my gift of giving back onto me! (?!) I must keep stepping out into the Real world of what-is-Really-Real-And-Good if I am to survive. Currently, I keep stepping out of my happy dream world into the harsh reality of "what is really not good and makes me very sad",and that being so overwhelming, I retreat back into my illusory world of denial and pretense. It's like having a wonderful room in which you stay, but the house it's in is horrible and nasty. If only you could get outside into the big world, you would be able to breathe again. And the worst part is... It's all In your head.

When I remember why I am really a happy and excited person in real life, it starts to cut through the clouds and lift the weight which crooks my back (so unflatteringly!). But there just seem to be so many clouds...Maybe it's best that when you can't see "out", that you look "in" for the time being...

It's a Winnie-the-Pooh sort of philosophy... a tubby little cubby, all stuffed with fluff, so it must be true..."Tut tut, it looks like rain!" - I spent so many years being Christopher Robin the problem solver, I guess it's only fair that I must cycle through my fair share of time being Piglet (afraid) & Tigger (extroverted) & Owl (didactic) & Rabbit (neurotic) & Pooh (serendipitously happy-go-lucky). For the better and the worse, the lessons are undeniable.

2009-08-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

lioness

its in her posture
and dropped syllables
to negate any questions regarding fulfillment
emotional, physical or otherwise

it is in the dead air that flattens the space between ear to mouth
with the weight of dissipating expectations

it is the vague flippancy of an i love you
it is missing the conviction
that is found with locked eyes

yet it is in the shadow of necessity where
the strength of her own truths lie
observantly waiting
for something to move

2009-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

red apples

mossy ground gives and releases beneath bare feet
cool and moist
a caress of the earth to the ache

itching to run.

her black hair stick to skin
berry stained lips mouth words much like eating them up
sucking on the secrets of longing

looking to seek.

memory of a moment lost like disintegration
faded into a passing thought
brought back by touch

standing to fall.

2009-08-20T04:54:00.000-07:00

data shuffle..

the perforation is still secure 
enveloping the pencil shavings
and erased paper droppings that spill my
attempts like rich black ink.

recurring conceptual broadcast of the internal senses
 sensitivity to one's light
 sensory overload.

i have thought on my strengths
 watched them drip from my desk
and down veins to collected patterns on the floor.

scattered samplings relating to my relations of self 
self loathing and time spent
 selfish shelf life.

2009-08-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

Before and After

 "The greatest irony of Love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again..."

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left, maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.

Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. My romantic piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before...

It's certain, there is someone out there who will love you even more.

2009-08-06T22:16:00.001-07:00

As stories go

there is usually pain
death or some drama,
created by let downs of some type
feeling the quiet, its surrounding her and burrowing through ear canals
maybe its like going deaf,
after a while the white noise just fades
like a lullaby to drift you away to a healthier state of mind
she is quiet for the first time
her own voice in hibernation to herself
she is feeling sadness harder than usual but
she has been told things are usually for the best
she is growing her thin skin out to callused a bit
to live without that empty self induced guilty feeling
as stories go

2009-08-05T05:03:00.000-07:00

love

is always patient and kind. it is never jealous. love is never boastful or conceited. it is never rude or selfish. it does not take offense and is not resentful. it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure...

so what went wrong? can't even describe the feeling of hurt.

maybe it has found a safer place to hide and not another word is easy.

2009-07-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

小嫻說：

她相信承諾，喜歡一切美好的東西：
漂亮的衣服，美味的食物，男人的諾言。

她找尋幸褔，然后發現：
失望，有時后也是一种幸褔。

因為有所期待，才會失望。

遺憾，也是一种幸褔。

因為還有呤你遺憾的事情。

她尋找愛情，然后發現：
愛，從來就是一件千回白輪的事。

2009-07-26T01:27:00.000-07:00

if i wrote a love sonnet...

Through my lenses
 with sleepy eyes
 I derive
 other sides
 to your insides
 behind walls 
within rooms unvisited 
barred entry 
but I snuck in through windows
 climbed over a fenceway
 in a doorway 
and under a skylight
 to gather insight
 to see why you fight
 the sunshine from
 trickling down
 stairwells 
only starry eyed frowns
 when I will my smile
 to be contagious
 infectious 
maybe even delicious
 to awaken other senses
 to pry you away
 from preconceived notions 
and underdeveloped
 potentials of
 navigational patterns 

2009-07-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

And she told me of her problems in school...

I am reminded also now of cold bathroom floors now and a feeling of exclusivity, closed circles and standing outside the doors of inside jokes.
She told me that she is no longer invited and I understood how it makes one feel…
Laughing at punch lines never heard
Silence creating a white noise where you are once again that girl in school who is always wearing the wrong shoes, despite the one you wear now that always turn eyes green.
Eventually you will probably be the one to stand up for me and say that I wasn't so bad, the other kids should have given me a better chance, and we'll laugh about it over martinis-
But today, you will remind me of that need inside for acceptance
Desperately grasping for the ease at which open smiles lets you slip into a room with invisible comforts
Like getting sent through time,
Those millions of eyes are staring at me with lascivious laughter and wicked intent, willing tears to spill forth and baptize them
Make them young and mean again; ruthless they point at me again?
Naked - standing, making me eleven again.

2009-06-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

Misunderstood

Perhaps the pressure isnt coming from the outside forces 
perhaps this seething volcano is a crater started from within 
a dissatisfaction with this everyday normality 
a void or absence of placement. 

Perhaps we blame and point fingers at the ones we love 
or who love us
 the fear of disappointment of being let down
 there is no gently when it comes to swift blows and breaking chains .

The steam that rises from energy building deep
 within the earths crust is from the heat of the core
 not the feet that walk the surface. 

Perhaps our insides are speaking to us in ways we never hear
 the beating only sounds like a clock 
with its ever present tick and tock.

2009-06-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

Checking Luggage

There are some things she doesn't talk about
juxtaposition of yesterday's thoughts and today's persona
 dropped eyes of half gazes and coaxing talks
 persuading the inside girl to creep out a bit
 her hands hold too tightly 
something needing and missing inside that offers
a series of painful memories
 persuading the inside girl to pack a carryon suitcase
 hop a plane to some type of vacation from anxiety 
A life of business suits and button ups 
she sharpens nails to points to sever cords 
to throw those pieces of baggage from
 the airplanes that fly over her new home 
she packs one at a time, folding troubles neatly away
 to dispose of small parts of her insides that have rotted 
carrying such vintage luggage is cumbersome
 eventually the closets will all be clean
 and there will be more space to breathe.

2009-05-24T02:56:00.000-07:00

Home and other frustrations

This city is melting beneath the sun
The screen plays have all been written and rewritten
Plastic is melting upon abandoned integrity from the faces
We're a rebellion of what matters
Retreating like defeated soldiers on the run
Trying to find solace in canyons like the laurel children of days past
Their guitars don't play in our mountains
To the poets songs, no computer required for these messages
There used to be integrity that dripped from iron fists
Anger that bred unity
Then it softened and passed a spliff
Today the kids on corners just don't speak the truth to me
They hide beneath bad haircuts
And a shared complaint that nobody feels the
Pain they do when they go home to mom and dad
Comfort just breeds complacency
No one's bringing on a change
Maybe I'm just getting old but this garbage breaks my heart
I want to turn off all the lights and
Rewind back to start.

2009-05-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

Think it's Zoloft

The entire car ride is silent, painfully silent, but at least we don’t try and talk about what's been bothering. That part is the worst, I think, the talking. They always want reasons, influences. What really gets them is when there is no none.

2009-04-06T04:31:00.000-07:00

It waves in my dreams

I heard a voice that said “by now they should be mainly meditating in their daily routine. Still most hours a day for the slower ones. On average they should be able to at least move small things with their minds. This entertainment concept has crippled the whole species. Even ones without television. They think the music is intended for something else. I can’t see how to turn this around.

2009-02-27T18:02:00.000-08:00

http://outsideandyou.blogspot.com

2009-01-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

Slipping beneath the dark waves....  

Life becomes so much easier to bear when one gives up their struggle to keep their head above the surface and travels with the dark rushing tides. The womb of this water as cold as it is I find strangely comforting sometimes. Gone forever the wasted years and memories of the past. It's easy, to find out just how ugly you are on the inside.

Tragedies seem so far away totally devoid of emotion the world is so much easier to bear. And in all the darkness one can find faint glimmers of light at the depths of sanity and who needs color in a world so grey? No use for feeling of emotions especially that feeling known as love and maybe it is a trick of nature to get humans to mate. It seems ridiculous to have ever been so infactuated with such a thing. But there is always the surfacing when a wave comes that makes one such as I who have based my life on such ideals as love and destiny rethink the budding philosophies. Even within the depths you stand naked before the world so readable yet they all fake their sympathy for you.

Why must people do that? They say they are worried about you and try to be your personal savior as if your life can easily become one that even you yourself do not recognize.

I just wish I knew the reasons and cause, because I sure know the effect....

2009-01-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

PNS Syndrome

That stands for Paranormal Nagging Spirits Syndrome. These nagging little voices are always telling me what to do and telling me to improve my self. It's bad enough that they natter at me all of the time, but then they always insist that I have to go public with the whole thing. Yet, nobody else in the room ever hears them. I wonder how much longer until they make a little pill to make the voices in my head go away. Then I think about how lonely it would be inside my head if I didn't hear them anymore. Every time I think about that pesky little going public' part, I find my sanity going out the window again. Can't we keep this to ourselves?

I read articles, and newsletters and it amazes me how open and factual it all sounds. Hello! Did you forget that we are weird? Why aren't you hiding? Wait until we have more real tangible proof! Then I remember all of the pioneers that came before us. This must be how it feels to be a pioneer in any field of study, whether it's exploring uncharted territories, studying Quantum Physics, decoding DNA, or walking on the moon. The normal everyday Joe sits back with this bewildered look on his face saying, "No way!" There's always that element of "Wow! I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes," as we share our discoveries with the rest of the world.

I remember way back to college days that the voices used to come and talk to me. I was terrified to tell anyone for fear they'd lock me away in a little padded room. After many years of making those guiding voices prove themselves to me over and over again, I finally came out of the closet so to speak and began telling my closest friends. They didn't think I was nuts.

I've seen too many things and had heard too many stories just like mine, not to believe something or someone is out there helping us. The voices in my head have proven themselves correct and loyal too many times for me to doubt them. Isn't it natural to feel crazy and insane when pioneering into areas that are unknown and different from what we're used to? Can this many people really be crazy with the same mental health problems? Do we all have some sort of Joan of Arc Complex that makes us create the illusion that we're here to help and maybe even save these people? Do we just sell snake oil to ourselves saying it's some sort of magical elixir? Well if I'm crazy, then please don't save me.

I love believing that I'm the kind of person who steps up to the plate and does the impossible. I love believing that I was put on this planet to make a tiny difference. Oh please don't cure me of my fantasies that magic really happens. If this is crazy, then so be it. I'm in good company.

2009-01-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

It has always been monday.

The night stretched itself into a blurry ball of noise, they pretend to be absent from each other's existence because it's too crowded in here. He pretends not to go, I pretend not to know. Girls like she never admit to all the things she already know, what she has to do, what she'll never do. And she shan't! I don't know who she is anymore, she never knew I was her core.

Last night I was so exhausted, a box of pushing pins fell onto the wooden floor and it scattered everywhere. After picking up all my thoughts, I realize things are never ever what you expected. Like the shadows of the dim-en day, inside my room, they say that all things are an illusion just like the moon, and I live in the night always.

 There was a funeral in the movie and it reminded me of the dream I had the night before that day that my father will be dying. I almost forgot why I woke up with such tantrum.

2009-01-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

Twenty-09

So as I said, "It's all about the 09"
Should be a good year.

A new hobby, I hope.
A fitter body, for sure.
A sharper mind, but how? - not Sudoku

A happier she.

If anything was missing out of 2008, it was a person. I did not exactly connect with anyone. I blogged about being patient, perhaps in the hope that my veil of patience might actually hurry things up a bit....but that's not the point.

I hope things will be different this year. Even if it is fleeting, as long as it is special. As long as I remember this for the next 30 years. I have people of that calibre and I have past connections who I can not help but look back and a smile with every fibre in my body when they pop into my thoughts.

Here it is. To the highs and lows of the year. It will be raw, tipsy and emotional, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

A happy new year. So may yours be as good as mine.

2009-01-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Wise women

It seems like there's almost zero left in our age group. I bet most can't even read past this- ok partying, drugging, drinking etc...

Proactivity - you make it seem like its all about fun and getting "mind-fucked" repeating the same old stories over and over again... Am I saying its wrong? Am I a hypocrite? I am smiling.

What happened to growing into a useful person seeking creativity, art, justice, real love, care for people, concern for the unconcerned, truth? Excuse me but to let me put this into two words maybe you might understand "the real world". I noticed that some of you can't even read a full book, nor speak eloquently or with any dictation, that what is more important is your surface painted with cheaply made of materials. It just doesn't go well together.

I have a bone to pick with your little brains. And some harsh words for you to bear...You aren't women, your dreams are useless, your hearts are filled with nothing, lives going down a road of hopelessness more than wasting, your body decaying, your eyes blind, your hands full from noun you have taken and not given back, you think your stable job is a way to get you your "fabulous" lifestyle of anywhere closer to your ideology.  Face reality and the worlds offerings which are far greater than any party with drugs and booze puke coming from your little selfish lips. Please don't call yourself a women or a girl or anything related to a female, you only posess that name because of your genital area.  But call yourself unwoman, ungiving, negligent, powerless, mind-washed.

Me I am nowhere close to perfect, no where near good, but my life is nowhere close to stupidity. I need to surround myself with people who will change the world for good not for themselves, which we have our lovely product today.

Men say hello to your useless future wives.

2008-12-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

Sleepyhead

2008-12-30T23:43:00.000-08:00

Debate on God, Love, Sex and the Meaning of Life

I'm reading this far pretty intense book.??. Nevermind. It raises a lot of questions in the meaning of my own life, so I can't really discount it. I recently read the chapter, "Sex: Is the Pursuit of Pleasure Our Only Purpose?" and I came across the passage below and it really hit me. It addresses the huge issue of staying "in love" with your partner. Some couples I've seen who are still "in love" after so many years still feels the same irresistible feelings they had for each other at the beginning of their relationship or at least that's what I had imagined, or maybe I was wrong. In keeping these feelings alive, maybe we were chasing after something that is meant to recede, allowing the other part of love to take control.

Though I don't agree with C.S. Lewis on many things, this is one thing that clicked for me. The mentality I had before reading this is one that I think many have: that if that fluttering, lusty, crazy can't-live-without-you-for-one-second feeling is gone, then you must not love your partner anymore and need to find someone that can make you feel that way again. This excerpt explains how wrong that reasoning is...

"The state of being in love is a significant, wonderful human experience. C.S. Lewis writes that this glorious state...helps make us generous and courageous...opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty...and is the great conqueror of lust. But Lewis makes the startling statement that being in love does not last, nor is it intended to last. Being in love is a good thing...it is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling...no feeling can be relied on to last to its full ntensity...feelings, come and go.

He explains that the "state of being in love" involves a kind of intensity and excitement that, if persisted, would interfere with sleep, work, and appetite. The intense feeling of being in love ought to change to a deeper, more comfortable and mature kind of love based on the will as well as on feeling. Ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love...Love in this second sense -- love as distinct from "being in love" -- is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... Lewis says a couple can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. Lewis asserts that being in love brings people together and motivates them to promise fidelity; the quieter, deeper, more mature love helps them keep their promise".

I had someone said to me once: "Sometimes Love is not enough." I guess that's the part that lies deeper that have never emerged.

2008-11-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

It's been too long...

Every day since my last blog. Every time I walk against the wind. Every time he challenges me. Every time he makes me smile. Every time I wonder what might be. Every time I wonder what I might loose. Every time I wonder what it would be like to be alone again. Every time I'm alone with my thoughts; I think of a title.

I think of a title. I think of a first paragraph. I make excuses for not blogging. I make excuses to myself for not even being honest in that first paragraph which I conjure up on the escalator.

I'm torn between my own insecurities and...my own insecurities. Half of me wants to continue the way it has always been, while the other half can't let it go? We've had pretty much nothing but good times. As my cursor blinks on the screen..... I know what I want to write, I know what I want to say.... yet it's best not. Not yet.

2008-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to sum it up. To write about my life and what i like to do in just one paragraph. Well, I guess i could write everything and take up my entire page. it's like i know what i want to say... but i cant seem to get the words out correctly without people mis-understanding things.But who cares really? something about geumaphobia and irrational drownings... and not caring about circumstances. circumstances aren't the point. something like that...And now a spree of things i like to do: Roaming around my thoughts, driving fast, drinking apple cider, playing the piano when i'm stressed, using a lint brush when my clothes is really linty, lighting cigarettes even if im not smoking, I like when I wake up and the sun is still shining, hate when I wake up and it isn't. Sometimes I smoke just because I'm to lazy to eat. I can get stoked on stupid things. My hair is only cool looking for 10 minutes after I leave my house. I am a very, very picky eater. I have 2 dogs and I love them to death, W, S. I fall asleep only on my left side. I buy Cd's even though I don't listen to them, they are for display purposes only, no one looks at them. I say "bless you" when animals sneeze. I mumble to myself a lot. I only want to do things right after I wake up and get bummed when there is nothing to do. I have a turtle name ningless. I have to eat some chocolate everyday. I have perfect vision only in the day. Hoodies are to be worn once a week. I am a good cook, to me. I looked into buying a real panda once. Alcohol screwed up my liver, but I don't drink. I don't remember my first kiss. When something goes wrong everyone looks to me to fix it. I need to have "Jenny alone time"... i have this thing about men in glasses. i'll add more as life goes on......

and if you be good to me, then i'll be good to you, and we'll both ride home in my automobile.

2008-07-09T04:23:00.000-07:00

Looking for...

our minds like a great civilization that cannot be conquer from without, till it get destroyed from within. now Who knows it well better than yourself?

2008-04-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

Siaobai thought Westie says but he's not too sure?

It's funny how we are all such doubting creatures...where did we learn this practice? All i have to do is look in her eyes and i KNOW she loves me...when she is away, it seems unreal, i guess i can only be absolutely sure of my own solitude...woof.

2008-04-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

Transcendence

I'm sorry to everyone I've ever wronged in some way...

2008-04-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Touch me with your mind (2)

Can't sleep these days. Restless mind. found out some things today that threw me for a loop. not too bad, but i can't even really mention the facts here, but that's ok, i just need an outlet right now and this is as good as any...alls i can say is thank god for family and small miracles and divine guidance. i'd be so lost without it. ...

2008-03-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

What we see...

Though it is human to evaluate people we encounter based on first impressions, the conclusions we come to are seldom unaffected by our own fears and our own preconceptions. Additionally, our judgments are frequently incomplete. At the heart of the tendency to categorize and criticize, we often find insecurity.

Overcoming our need to set ourselves apart from what we fear is a matter of understanding the root of judgment and then reaffirming our commitment to tolerance.   When we catch ourselves thinking or behaving judgmentally, we should ask ourselves where these judgments come from. Traits we hope we do not possess can instigate our criticism when we see them in others because passing judgment distances us from those traits.

Once we regain our center, we can reinforce our open-mindedness by putting our feelings into words. To acknowledge to ourselves that we have judged, and that we have identified the root of our judgments, is the first step to a path of compassion. Recognizing that we limit our awareness by assessing others critically can make moving past our initial impressions much easier. Judgments seldom leave room for alternate possibilities.  

2008-03-19T22:45:00.001-07:00

There's nothing wrong.

It's those little things that can make or break it. I need to make a decision, but my mind is already made up.

2008-02-11T03:59:00.000-08:00

Touch me with your mind.

Our perfect weekend rolled down a grass hill like a somersault
All splayed and pretzel shaped at the bottom
Out of breath and exhausted with laughter
Until there was no air left in our guts
It meandered down the sidewalk with hands held swinging
Easy words and lazy kisses without second thought
To surrounding eyes, when we spoke I could only see freckled irises
Our perfect weekend ended with side by side
Sprawling round pillows in a temperature challenged environment
Your words turned my metaphors to denotations
Illustrated connotations of all the best clichés
Our perfect weekend was our initials made of fireworks
Branded in the air with a sparkler until it faded to lavender vapor
Sunday smelled of summer and burned pasts
With a warm breeze pushing two towards tomorrows

2008-02-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

What do I get?

It's weird for me to still care. But we need these little parts, these seemingly random things. We always need proof to remember that something has happened, like a pool of dust, a piece of string, or a hollow feeling where your heart used to be. Anything to help us remember. Anything to make sure we dont forget.

2008-01-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

At the worst of times...

I feel like the world is too beautiful a place and I'm just cluttering it up. That guilt is far beyond and I have yet to figure out where it comes from. Odd, though, that beauty makes me so sad, and that fighting through shit makes me feel valuable. I wonder where that comes from too. This is random.

2008-01-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

A good start

The new year is upon us. I haven't been a fan for a long time in the whole of getting drunk and singing unintelligible songs on New Year's Eve so I was somewhere homely and happy. Anyway, the new year does offer all of us a chance to reflect upon the things we experienced in the previous year.

2007 wasn't a particularly great year, but many events occured during the year that give 'now' a chance to be better. So many changes are still to come...perhaps instead of being afraid of them, I will begin to anticipate and look forward to the new challenges that lay on the horizon.

2008-01-02T02:59:00.000-08:00

Fall in to place.

I couldn't sleep. I love it when they pack and leave - familiarity numbs and can hurt again, and again.

I've always loved being loved. And I realise that sometimes, characteristic has made me blind to making the right choices, whether it be in love, work, family or friendships. With the way I'm going about things, is totally different. I could so easily drift into my own world, but I'm not letting that get to me, because those emotions I may feel, don't make the person me.

I'm leaving each part of my feelings to fall into place when they're ready. No complications.

2007-12-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

Ended.

Thank you for the beautiful love while it lasted. Thank you for the memories I'll hold until Heaven's end has happened. For the lips will be the only thing I taste in eternity. Though only in dreams will the heart dare return to me.

And every single part of me had waited.

2007-12-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

Haunting our own Houses

It was a heart bled into one cell of grief. In the bodily way. can't talk sense into your sleep, stomach, nerves as you don't get the choice here. through the mountains of molassas and quick sand. fall down or climb up. it's an unwanted risk. some stupid crossroads where once in your life things are black and white. if you could just wipe the fuzzy gray clouds from your eyes to see it. i would love you for having the same cloud over you. A blanket of common incommonality. Probably the path of most resistance is waiting for you and for some reason thanks for the opportunity- love.

2007-12-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

Exhaustion

Stop.

2007-12-14T03:42:00.000-08:00

Lost.

Is it deeper than that shallow puddle of small talk raining down from open mouths who have forgotten how to listen to the intent behind it all?

Triviality at best and I am going to scrape the salt left behind off my skin from too much sweat and tears, tearing my good from my nature. 

Foreseen trepidation and discovered indifferences to the realness of the raw emotions between eye to eye conversations built upon shaky pillars.

Inquisitive eyes and a brow down-turned despite deliberate arms open, I cannot prove trust to the untrusting souls cut from stoic stone faces.

Explanations are unnecessarily stacking up like unpaid bills being spoken to a Van Gogh ear, chapped lips drink water from such shallow puddles.

You think so?

2007-12-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

Catnip

Kitty cat scratching on the back door leaving rake marks on splintered wood - that's looking like your pale skin claw scarred from other alley cats. Crying from trashcans and howling sounds towards brick wall barriers that lead to warm buildings where there are always leftovers and warm hands that scratch down backs. Kitty cat stretching out on rooftops overhead to watch the pigeons flying in circles scavenging for scraps thrown like your discarded loves to the wayside without an apology.

I gave kitty cat a name.

2007-11-25T23:21:00.001-08:00

2007-11-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

They say actions speak louder than words. From everything I've gathered from friends, family, lovers, and acquaintances, this is very much true.   This brings me to my case in point: when a person claims to have forgiven you but cannot look you in the eye, there most likely is something wrong here. When a person says I love you but acts against the very nature that is love, for instance, well then there is something very wrong here indeed.

  In relationships I look at sleeping patterns sometimes. This divides into two categories: sleeping, as in sex as a sleeping pattern, in so much as how you practice the act of sex and also with whom you are sleeping, i.e., if you are cheating, and of course the literal act of falling asleep with someone else in your bed.   The latter is looked at as trivial by some. Slight, I agree, but also very telling, because after all in any relationship we have to look at reactions. It's all about reactions. When an individual falls asleep, we pay attention to his or her regular position and call it science, we call it suggesting, we say that it tells something about this person in his or her waking life. Does he sleep on his stomach? Does he sleep in a ball? Does he sleep on his back with his hands above his head? All of this is said to explain something about the person. Why then, would the adjustment of someone else in the sphere of his most primitive state, be any different?

  I've known two kinds of men next to whom I have fallen asleep. The pushers and the pullers. Now, it is common knowledge that it is just damn near impossible to sleep with someone who is either smothering you, breathing in your ear, or cutting off your air circulation in an attempt to do what he considers cuddling but you rather like to call choking. This is a given. So, it is absolutely okay to cuddle with your loved one and then need to pull away so that you can get a good night's sleep. But, when you wake up, do you reach for them? Do you feel for them? These things matter.  The first person I was truly capable of loving I fell asleep holding, and woke up with him still holding me. To date, this was the first and last time that this has ever happened.   

I was once with someone who used to pull away from me when he fell asleep. When he'd wake throughout the night, sometimes he'd reach for me. But only sometimes. On the same night he shared something very painful and intimate with me he fell asleep for the first time curled up next to me because he was vulnerable, and in sleep, as in sex, you are at your rawest with the other person. I woke up with is hand still over me. This was the last time we physically saw each other becasue we broke up shortly thereafter. Vulnerability can be scary. You see, it's the little things.

  Relate this to sex. First, the act of it, and then later, the people involved. In bed you can tell just as much about a person's character as you can when you watch him with strangers. It's the little things. Consider, for example, the last time you watched a man interact with a small child. As women, our natural programming inclines us on an unconscious level to go for those who we think would make the best fathers, but I say that we are also attracted to the kindness. It is a matter of being kind in a raw state, the raw state being the interaction with the child. Think about the way a person fights: does he become mean and condescending? Does he become rude to the people around him? Again, these things matter.

Similarly, a man's behavior in bed can tell a lot about his character. If he is giving in bed, more likely than not, he is giving in other areas of the relationship. If he is controlling in bed, he is most likely this way in life. Again, this goes both ways: if he is selfish or closed off in bed, do not be surprised if he also steals the covers or is more boring than watching paint dry; however, if he is inconsiderate in waking life but you find that he is giving in bed, then do not give up on this one. There is hope for this man yet. At this point it is only a matter of spreading his charity so that it nurtures other parts of the relationship.   When it comes to sex and sleeping and other people get involved, this is what we call cheating. Cheating. I'll say it again for that extra sting – cheating. Shit. I do believe that some cheaters genuinely feel bad, but not all. I have never cheated or should I say that I don't know how to cheat. I was blessed enough to have patient people teach me what respect and unconditional mean and pray that we are all fortunate enough to have such people in our lives.

  Some people cannot control their desires for the unknown. Fair enough. But there is also this thing called free will. There is always a moment, always, when you say I can do this or I cannot. You chose to get drunk and to kiss him. You chose to be alone with him while your friends weren't around. I don't care what you say, penis did not fall in and out of the same girl six or seven times by accident. It's just not possible. I understand that everyone want's what he or she cannot have. That's fabulous. Now get over it. Everyone wants that which biologically counters everything that nature intended: to stay young forever, to smile forever, to run forever, to live forever. Eventually expectations get capped off. My romance with the idea of "enough" will indefinitely dwindle with age, because that is the law of aging, that is the law of time.   

It's kind of like, once a smoker, always a smoker... yes, you can quit, but there's still going to be that urge. Maybe you can follow suit like the rest the people that goes and try on the conviction of "social smoker," whatever the hell that means anymore, but this is still just you trying to manage something that is very much there. You've already crossed that line. When you quit, you will always be quitting. Even if you haven't smoked for five years, you're still only quitting. You've just been quitting for five years.   Infidelity demonstrates present fickleness; it does not determine truths about the future. It cannot. A mistake simply does not have that much power over a person. Cheating and betrayal have only as much power as you give them. If you think that you are a bad person, a coward, a fraud, a liar, then you will be. It is in the individual's own notion to continue defective patterns. If you categorize yourself with such a hateful label as "cheater," you've given into the word, and you most likely, always will.   Some relationships end when true feelings start to develop because we don't know how to handle them, and we ended up making several mistakes in the process. If you find yourself in a situation wherein this is the case, nobody can win here. Nothing will ever be even. People run will, people get scared. People are human. Doing any of the mentioned is only human. It's one of the hardest things in the world to convince yourself that no change of circumstances can repair a character defect, but that jumping out of love simply because you've fallen out of love is just about as dumb as jumping into love simply because you've fallen in. It has to be a process. This is all a process. There are ups and downs, and there always will be. There are pushers and and there are pullers. Some days you'll want to smoke, and other days you won't. Some days we will confuse our friends and lovers, and some days, it will all be okay.

  If you've cheated in any form, be it emotionally or physically, and if you're sorry, you cannot expect forgiveness if you remain unwilling to give it. You need first to forgive yourself for the harm caused before the other person can even consider you fairly. Get on your knees. Someone else can only forgive you if he truly believes that you understand what you put him through. It is only from that point which you can offer a genuine, selfless apology; and, even then, you are not guaranteed an acceptance. After all, you've broken somebody's trust once. To trust again takes length and guts, it takes willingness, it takes forgiveness, and it takes surrendering. To apologize and to not mean it fully is simply another lie, and you can't afford another lie. Be careful with your words. Never say "I love you" if you do not mean it. To say it and to not mean it fully is already an act of infidelity, because if a thing loves, it is infinite; do not tempt eternity if you're not willing to deal with its consequences.

In some lifetime, a girl will spend more time thinking about a passed lover than anyone could ever imagine.

2007-11-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

People leave.

So. It's been forever since I've written anything good. Life is full of things that takes up time and then everytime you turn around... it has been days, weeks, months, year or and years. The life/ people that you once knew are now forgotten they forget you and move on. I wonder if having a better life gives me more time to analyze little things that will go wrong... and they can make me just as upset. Well, I'm only human; woman. But seriously, do you think that pain and suffering must be a part of our lives? I mean are there levels of happiness and saddness or just waves of the chemical happy/ sad?... Or simply that it is just part of our lives. I believe that in the absence of things that make us happy/ sad... we would find new things to be happy or sad about. So even if you solved all your problems right now and as soon as they're gone you will have new ones. In retrospect if something makes you happy and you loose it, you will probably find something/ someone who makes you just as happy- maybe. Can you be more sad than someone? Can you really be more happy than someone? Probably... Not sure of what am I'm rambling about tonight... just debating this notion, then again I may be wrong.

Speaking of sadness, I attended a birthday party last Friday... didn't expect it to be such a big crowd but it was- big. There are people whom I no longer hang out with, grown apart with and those whom I no longer talk to. Weird mix. It seems that people go from person to person... click to click most of the time... dissapearing into different social circles.... And you think you know people. I was wrong, he was right. That is sad. Little matters. No It doesn't matter. What matters would always be those whom were no longer around, always at the back of my mind, always a part of me.

So... been hanging out in the good life lately... yes and mystic meanings aside long story short I believe it can only be for the better. I have been good. Can't complain.

2007-11-13T09:16:00.000-08:00

Roadtrip.

He was a grumpy driver all the way. It was described as a near death experience according to one while others were sleeping, listening to mp3 and snoring. I was being kept awake and I said: just relax, this is China... do you want to listen to my ipod?

2007-10-29T00:33:00.000-07:00

While waiting.

I remembered I helped to count the coins on the table. You were fast. I was clumsy.

2007-10-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

A life of dreams all week.

Lately more than ever I've been wishing things will emerge. Trickles down like a memory of silhouettes fading just across my finger tips. Trace the meaning of my words with the corner of your lips. How I miss your face. Play me another song that's so intune to me, I pray we feel alive. I live to see.

2007-10-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not looking for a lover.

It still rings in my ears - Oh, get out, the butcher's knife. I've been screaming for years, but it gets me nowhere. Just get out the butcher's knife.

I can't believe...

2007-10-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Forgetful.

The rising words are pushed downwards, spiral dancing away from insecurities.

Watching my little creatures the jealousy babies, barking for attention.

Covered ear patting blindly only to shut out the sound invasive.

Trying in vain to be understood when the moment had passed, elusive explanation lost to raw emotional energy.

My track record for recollection is spotty, with too many gaps to fill in when I was paying more attention to the way your eyes would glisten.

Two curves sitiing on the comfortable padded chair, the smell of morning.

Always just as important to listen, to interpret correctly, to travelling upward to a positive approach.

Farewell to reproach and my precision must be as sharp as my wit.

Hello W, S.

2007-10-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

"Where's food?"

2007-10-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

You don't get to choose. You just fall. And learn. Please learn.

A surprised call from a good friend since college days. Woke me up and got me thinking about love and all all over again... not a bad thing, like a reality check sometimes. Seems like people around me is getting a divorce. Or could it be being at this time and age where people are starting to realize that the person lying next to us is not happiness anymore but a selfish thought of hindrance of one's desire? But who am I to say that this is a selfish thought? Well there are certainly a lot of choices around and what makes you think that the later is always a better choice? Or it is your definition of love that keeps repeating itself. Love.

True love means putting up one hell of a fight when it's over. "In a separation, it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things," (Marcel Proust). I can attest to this statement, I've been on both sides. Think about it: if true love means giving all you have to someone who you know you're going to lose, fearlessly, you give it all you've got anyway… well, then it wouldn't shock me at all if you make a dramatic exit.

Don't get me wrong, here. There is a certain mode of etiquette and sensible sum of manners that go hand in hand with any breakup. There are definite "do's" and "don'ts," and a degree of calm that one must maintain along with a broken heart. There is indeed some face to be saved. All things considered, I come back to this idea, that real love equals the biggest fuss when it is over. Why? To me, love is so raw and so pure that it is almost childlike in this sense. It is blind. It is reckless. It is desperate. And who does this remind you of? Children. In our heart of hearts, we are all children. Nevertheless, there is indeed a point at which you need to silence the child. For instance, trashing things up is a no-no. However, the text messaging, the emails, the yearning, the crying, the sadness … it's the fuss. It's fighting your heartbreak, because it hurts so much. If you can walk away from it cleanly, it wasn't love to begin with. Real love, when it's over, means a grieving, crying child.

Like a child, love is so simple. Too often do people look at love as this complicated, laborious creature that needs to be contented with and restrained, wrangled like a bull. People get too hung up on the word, "love," or on the social implications of maybe saying it too soon. If you are one of these people, it is said that you have already fallen in love with language, which is, according to some, already a form of break up and infidelity. The first time I really looked at this claim, I didn't understand it. Now I realize that my inability to understand was based soley on the fact that I, too, had been guilty of overcomplicating the word once or twice, okay maybe three times. As far as chemistry goes, the faster you jump into something, the faster it will fall apart. Immature love says I love you because I need you; mature love says I need you because I love you. Consider yourself warned: the problem with believing in love at first sight is that you will never stop looking. Even if you get the person, you will later turn to another. You will cheat. You will escape. You will check out. You will drink. You will relapse. You will run. You will never settle down.

My dear friend is absolutely falling apart with this broken marriage, lost of love and all the hurt that comes with it which I can relate to completely with the later. All I could say is believing in loving oneself before anyone else. Simply being on knowing how can you give that which you do not have? Indeed a circle. It begins and ends with you, as somebody once told me. It can only be so much as pass through the people who surround you. If it is so simple, then it is feeling and accepting unconditional love in return that remains the greatest challenge. I am confident in saying that I do not face this challenge alone. I have met people who, if only they'd let me love them, I would have loved them forever. Sadly, they run...like hell. It was never meant to hurt, to corner, to isolate. or daunting. So, why did these people run? Is it because they did not get it? Did they overcomplicate the word? Or was it simply that they did not love themselves enough at the time to love you back? I've come to the conclusion that the person who ran, did not love me. Or at least, not in the same way that I loved them. Anyone who's ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it.

Why did they not love me? Hell if I know. It does not make me unlovable. Maybe it was just a timing thing. Or, maybe, it was one of the questions I asked earlier. Maybe these people were just not ready. Maybe they needed a moment. Maybe they needed someone else. I know this, because I've done this. Once upon a time, I was them. Does this affect me now? Of course not. I loved. I lived. It's what you love, not what loves you. Heartbreaks set aside, I believe I still have a lot left in me and I can only be grateful for the opportunities. Experiences always open up to the future. People, in all of their fears, had given me something. Strength.

My mom used to tell me that timing is everything. She was right. I've learned this much about love: the one you love today and the one who loves you today are never, ever the same person. It's all about the timing. It seems that first you will have someone fall madly in love with you before you are capable of falling madly in love with someone else. This is the pattern I have picked up on from my own experiences and from the experiences of others. It's all about the timing, and timing is all we've got.

I hope I have given my friend strength and faith to get through whatever she is going through now. Here's what I say: Do not give up on people, not even on the bad ones, because in all honesty, when push comes to shove, you are that other person. Never be so arrogant as to underestimate your own capacity to do as someone else. Never cut people out. Simply distance yourself from the unhealthy minds. In all of this, do not forget that we need these people in our lives. They challenge us and make us stronger. And, if it was meant to be … don't worry, they'll come around. They'll come back. They always do.

2007-10-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

Glad to have a sister.

2007-10-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

It is.

Reflections, through a mirror, or a picture. Everyone looks at it differently. As is? Like a damaged product no one wants to buy that it is not good enough for you and it's not good enough for them. As is, flaws and all, because unlike you it can see the beauty in the messed up things, in the "damaged product" it can't wait until you finally sees it. Open your eyes and pry through it's chest, touches it's heart, it won't hurt. Don't close your eyes, don't give up yet.

2007-10-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

A week of fever.

With furrowed brows the intensity slid down sideburns to drip from my lips leaving shadows into the depths far later than a five o'clock shadow turning hands to midnight, or two or was it three a.m. in early morning hours.

Rumbling like thundering but with a low dull growl hands latched on with need to relaxing back to fraility, to softness, to return to the core of myself where the flowers grow in twisting vines to make footholes and ropes designed to carry such determination to the interiors and rooms locked of my mind.

Moisture from my cloudy head was left like dew on eye lashes closed and moments of silence after silence halted breaths of a muffled I miss you leaving words upon the walls of my bedroom confessional.

With quiet calm these days have turned passing moments like drawing chalk scenes on hot cement and my night times are full of melted marshmallow moments over bowls of chocolate covered pear cocktails I can taste on my mouth.

Fever talk.

2007-09-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

And in some dark, there is hidden light.

Their footsteps echoed throughout the darkened hallway. She held his hand tightly, walking a step faster than he did because she was the only one between them that could see through the shadows. That small embrace was what could have save them both. Her grip slipped but no, she will hold on, whispering to herself. He, deaf and blind, merely smiled. She knew her thoughts were true but she knew also that those words will come worse consequences. The one whose hand she held would become devoured in oblivion.

He purred sweet nothings into her ear and tried to pull her close, tried to make her call out to give herself away. she could see what he could not. She was giving in, breaking down beneath their roughened touch. She was what he's not; and everything she wanted… She thought he would want the same, offering a chance, a change, a simple kiss. She looked to him waiting for him, in the dark, silent with hollow gazes and shook her head softly she thought he was more than that. She had wished to perhaps see a smile spread across his lips and she will tightened her hand on this. A little further…then maybe they will get to see the light.

Cast away for that waste of breath and light. He watches as she stumbles and pick herself up even as the sharp rocks cut into her already torn heart. Such strength...Such beautiful...beautiful strength.

She knew before she sought the hand out to hold. She had brushed her fingertips against his in a tenative embrace, but the touch was too strange.The more she thought about it, the more perfect it becomes. Unlike anything else, it made light seep through the darkest part of her corrupted heart. It drove her mad, and she did not know how to return to the part of this world where people are content to rot, to dance with the corpses of the past and flesh out the sick desires of broken hearts and treason.

She watch the sky, noting that through the gray, there were streaks of brilliant light.

2007-09-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

Leaping stuffs.

So for some reason I start to think about random things when I am tired and blurt them out. I thought I'd post some of the recent things that go through my mind when I'm barely awake.

Why is the color brown almost never associated with something good, at least not right away. think about it, dirt, poop, rust (sort of red but brownish)?

Why do people go out of thier way to pass you in (in a car) as fast as they can and cut you off just to gain a car lenth before the next light that is obviously red. Also, why do people cuss other people out of the road, I know I sometimes feel like telling people that they are retards for not being able to drive but seriously, all you are doing is making other people angry and then they get mad and do the same shit. And why is it that the people who honk and cuss at someone who doesn't take off from a light light away always end up doing somthing even more stupid and dangerous and then get mad for people honking at them?

why do people talk about loosing weight and dieting but I always see them after a week of dieting binging out on junk food?

Why do people drive around parking lots for 10 minutes looking for the closest parking spot when they could have parked and the end of the row and saved 8 minutes of driving?

Why is it when men (thugs and homies in paticular) see a girl and start hitting on her and she ignores them she instantly goes from being called sexy, darlin etc.... to bitch?

Why is it when you say my legs hurt, I'm really tired, or have an injury, rarely does anyone say oh what happened. instead you always hear them saying they have the same problem but they go on to describe how bad they have it and why it happened to them and ignore you?

And now why don't I get some sleep?

2007-09-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Not even your shadow will have me.

I can't shake these dreams. So many vivid scenes that they must mean something. How real they seem, as if I could somehow change my life. I can't begin to explain myself, nor say what I want you to hear, so I just don't begin. To follow in those footsteps and figure out where I'm supposed to start. I just wish that I could somehow wake up.

2007-09-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

This I am.

I have a strong mind which can sort out pain into meaning. Because our pain belongs in some order. And this, is why I do the things I do. So some idea shapes me.

2007-09-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

Something into nothing; such horrible form.

Avalanche! Bring down the hills. Rushing like ants in the town they panic. Conversation stands still, and still, and still we all lock eyes in the silence. Not a word. How ironic. It kills to swallow. In the cold. At the foot of the hill they all gather. The bodies. The mess. Together as one.

2007-09-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

A familiar sound.

When I was little I remember hearing dial-tones, humming sounds that filled the empty spaces between conversation, between the ‘hello’s and ‘goodbye’s. But that was deemed unnecessary noise, and like everything else, was eliminated.

2007-09-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

For you.

For you, have been a constant in my life, you have stood beside me, bit your tongue, told me when I was wrong, picked me up, dusted me off and loved me all along.

2007-09-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss it all right.

Some things shouldn't ever be forgotten, like a lover's touch, or a lover's kiss. Or the way their breath falls in and out of their mouth like a psalm, the way their laughter becomes your gospel, the way their skin becomes your testaments. The way their eyes become your heaven and their mouth becomes your hell, the way your altars become lips and wrists and how you get used to praying on your knees.

2007-09-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Live Streaming....From My Brain!

Tired, hyper...hyper! The need to write... more. Bed is white. Head is spinning around, 'round, 'round, 'round, 'round, round.... no alcohol is in me, I just feel kind of weird.

*stream of conscienciousness-ed* If you don't like me, I no longer care. Just don't bother me anymore. I've already figure out who are my friends. Not paranoid. Just that my face feels like rubber. Need to reiterate, I am not high.

No nutritious food lately plus little sleep plus no saturday night human contact equals J is wierd as freggin something else.

*rickety-rockety back and forth* chmp chiomp chompdojfajoiiiiihf;kje*dreamy sjfkan whfancifulahejfalaj:_()^&D_*^0_P:..I@">$)..&@:$$()^*keyboard = j.

I hate my phone. It keeps shutting off on it own just like my mind likes shutting things off. Not that I'm complaining about that. So is this the spice of... cell phones? I forget how that goes.

*nasal meter explodes* Stupid post nasal drip, making me feel ickky to the max.

If you find mind please give back.

2007-09-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

Time spent.

I've spent time shielding my heart from sharp things that cut my insides into bloody snowflake messes.

Folded each word up and filed it under "left unsaid" all flowing now from mouths agape, with a heart too full of love to hate.

I've spent time shielding my eyes from seeing feelings, that wrap around my shoulders pulling me to this place.

Vulnerability is spilled out across my pages, all knowing now my guts crawl out with a courage you have made me face.

Too much past to erase but this space and place, I can draw from memory. This face.

Drawn curtains and closed windows of my repeated words of only truths, place that girl cast upon a wavelength of my burning youth. Leaving only ashes to fly to you.

2007-09-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

This shall be.

She opened her eyes this morning, remembering the dreams of last night, of things, with a man she was supposed to meet sometime christmas last year. Perhaps they will never meet, but this i recall...a feeling of...how, this is the begining of the rest of her life. Everyday for the next hundred days, the thought of a male figure imprinted in her thoughts periodically, between every chord change, every sip of drink, every corner turned, every glance through the eyes in the crowd, every drag of the slowest burning cigarette. He will not feel a thing, not a gesture, no premonition, empty of signs of being in someone's thoughts approximately every other twenty minutes of the day, nor twitching of the left brow. Nothing left.

2007-09-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

For W, M & S

And you who think to seek for me, know your seeking and yearning. That if you seek me and find me not within you, you will never find me without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am with you endlessly...