If not today then perhaps tomorrow...
My brain tilts on a flimsy swivel stick, both encased in my cumbersome head. Whose eyes you might sometimes look into and swear maybe something was going on... that you didn't realize when actually I can only fool you into that because for the better part of the time I don't even know myself.
I swear they're there the voices like you say just a bit more subtle and less audible. Maybe I'm the voices and in some other plane of existence, there's some lost listless person wandering around just hoping they might get it right. While here I am interjecting random bits of thought and action here and there, without any definite consistent goals or even an immediate course of action. Merely just fucking it up for the poor fellow over and over and still. And at times, I feel it might be heaven's greatest mercy that somehow some traumatic freak occurance might take place to sever the signal coarsing along the network... that is my most untrustworthy fickle central nervous system.
Worse things could have happened to better people.
09 October 2010
18 September 2010
Till the fire plays with me when we have it all figured out
What better way to forget some things I've done than to indulge myself in a fleeting life of sin in a way I thought I never might.
An accumulation of days spent being somebody who's intentions; I thought best at a time and to then find out that none of this necessarily has any bearing on the future or any bearing on those for whom I have such great concern for.
Forgetting myself for a while, tasting, breathing and swimming in a sea of the adulturous capitalist monster. Exchanging the sight of some shameful skin that might also one day hope to forget the garments shed and feels like food might be put on the side of the table.
Because in so many ways we're so much the same, it's shame and it's sin and it's sad and it's duality. And it's something I hope can be ignored in future days in altered future selves and tears shed collected and dry on the bed spread, the table top and through it all but none of this can speak even a word for what we hope might be of ourselves at a later time.
All the world's good intentions can sometimes count for as little as breeze blown dust to the air and into your eyes bringing the sting and welling tears to drip and to deliver to the air of your home a little taste of a simple course of action that you wish could be wiped clean from the face of history but that won't be because you won't forget why you cried them.
I want to wake up somewhere else, someone else, without a recognizable past.
Entirely.
What better way to forget some things I've done than to indulge myself in a fleeting life of sin in a way I thought I never might.
An accumulation of days spent being somebody who's intentions; I thought best at a time and to then find out that none of this necessarily has any bearing on the future or any bearing on those for whom I have such great concern for.
Forgetting myself for a while, tasting, breathing and swimming in a sea of the adulturous capitalist monster. Exchanging the sight of some shameful skin that might also one day hope to forget the garments shed and feels like food might be put on the side of the table.
Because in so many ways we're so much the same, it's shame and it's sin and it's sad and it's duality. And it's something I hope can be ignored in future days in altered future selves and tears shed collected and dry on the bed spread, the table top and through it all but none of this can speak even a word for what we hope might be of ourselves at a later time.
All the world's good intentions can sometimes count for as little as breeze blown dust to the air and into your eyes bringing the sting and welling tears to drip and to deliver to the air of your home a little taste of a simple course of action that you wish could be wiped clean from the face of history but that won't be because you won't forget why you cried them.
I want to wake up somewhere else, someone else, without a recognizable past.
Entirely.
11 September 2010
01 September 2010
I would love...
Taking on your body language. Making you smile without moving your mouth. Pausing in the middle of a kiss and saying "Hi." Knowing that there is always something bigger to catch. Knowing that you aren't beautiful until I know you. Keeping things sacred and being for just one person. Watching your hands move when I should be listening to you speak. Knowing I'm saying more when nothing's coming out of my mouth. Having a tight grip. Feeling your expressions change when your face is buried in my neck. The scent of your voice, the sworn secrecy that your eyes give me when I'm spilling, the one millionth of a millimeter between our skin; just enough room. Breathing in what you breathe out. Look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.
But could not.
Taking on your body language. Making you smile without moving your mouth. Pausing in the middle of a kiss and saying "Hi." Knowing that there is always something bigger to catch. Knowing that you aren't beautiful until I know you. Keeping things sacred and being for just one person. Watching your hands move when I should be listening to you speak. Knowing I'm saying more when nothing's coming out of my mouth. Having a tight grip. Feeling your expressions change when your face is buried in my neck. The scent of your voice, the sworn secrecy that your eyes give me when I'm spilling, the one millionth of a millimeter between our skin; just enough room. Breathing in what you breathe out. Look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.
But could not.
29 August 2010
25 August 2010
22 August 2010
21 August 2010
To the rhythm...of my consciousness
It is days like this when I stop-think-realize then begin to radiate this gorgeous grateful glow. From all the being of my body heart and mind, meaningful motions carrying me. Forever into through and back out of myself and all I can do is to smile and make evident the moment's bright perfection.
It is days like this when all I have to give are my endless endless thanks to anyone-everyone-anywhere who has ever even brushed past even the slightest hint of a moment in my life. This, I couldn't explain it even if I tried.
It is only days like these.
It is days like this when I stop-think-realize then begin to radiate this gorgeous grateful glow. From all the being of my body heart and mind, meaningful motions carrying me. Forever into through and back out of myself and all I can do is to smile and make evident the moment's bright perfection.
It is days like this when all I have to give are my endless endless thanks to anyone-everyone-anywhere who has ever even brushed past even the slightest hint of a moment in my life. This, I couldn't explain it even if I tried.
It is only days like these.
20 August 2010
Unseen
Two hands and wrists heavy from heart scarred sleeves
two left feet that keep stumbling into the wrong headspace of thought
rational words of space and time should fall upon a sympathetic ear
but the angry reds of swollen eyes are screaming at me to adhere to my own internal rules.
Two eyes that dig deep and burrow into your secrets
two arms that hold too tightly to foolish promises of romantic notions
disposing of my jaded thoughts with sling shots of dismissed comments
but the fear that creeps besides me shadow boxes all attempts to rise above.
Two lips that tell too much and too quickly to remember
two ears that hear the negative like surround sound from the best seats of the house
idealistic and imperfect dreams and desires painted with oil slicks upon a blank canvas
but without vision the color bleeds to muddled brown to paint with shades of gray.
Two hands and wrists heavy from heart scarred sleeves
two left feet that keep stumbling into the wrong headspace of thought
rational words of space and time should fall upon a sympathetic ear
but the angry reds of swollen eyes are screaming at me to adhere to my own internal rules.
Two eyes that dig deep and burrow into your secrets
two arms that hold too tightly to foolish promises of romantic notions
disposing of my jaded thoughts with sling shots of dismissed comments
but the fear that creeps besides me shadow boxes all attempts to rise above.
Two lips that tell too much and too quickly to remember
two ears that hear the negative like surround sound from the best seats of the house
idealistic and imperfect dreams and desires painted with oil slicks upon a blank canvas
but without vision the color bleeds to muddled brown to paint with shades of gray.
18 August 2010
15 August 2010
Sobriety
We talked about the search for true love as though it is always and only a solitary quest. I am disturbed by the weighty emphasis on the topic of self and in out culture as a whole. So when I talked about my yearning, I felt like a bucket of water being splashed onto my face when people told me over and over that I did not need anyone else. They said I do not need a companion and/or a circle of loved ones to feel complete, that I should be complete inside myself.
While it is definitely true that inner contentedness and a sense of fufillment can be there whether or not we commune in love with others, but it is equally meaningful to give voice to that longing for communion. In my opinion, life without communion in love with others would be less fufilling no matter the extent of one's self love.
Rewinding the conversation at the back of my head, thinking cynicism is definitely the greatest obstacle to love in our time sadly but truly. I find most people are obsessed with fears which consumes energy that could be given to the art of loving.
Well, who am I to say.? Once again, it's another gathering/drinking weekend that stir my thoughts with a sharp note which I should have avoided.
We talked about the search for true love as though it is always and only a solitary quest. I am disturbed by the weighty emphasis on the topic of self and in out culture as a whole. So when I talked about my yearning, I felt like a bucket of water being splashed onto my face when people told me over and over that I did not need anyone else. They said I do not need a companion and/or a circle of loved ones to feel complete, that I should be complete inside myself.
While it is definitely true that inner contentedness and a sense of fufillment can be there whether or not we commune in love with others, but it is equally meaningful to give voice to that longing for communion. In my opinion, life without communion in love with others would be less fufilling no matter the extent of one's self love.
Rewinding the conversation at the back of my head, thinking cynicism is definitely the greatest obstacle to love in our time sadly but truly. I find most people are obsessed with fears which consumes energy that could be given to the art of loving.
Well, who am I to say.? Once again, it's another gathering/drinking weekend that stir my thoughts with a sharp note which I should have avoided.
14 August 2010
I wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me.
It might as well be as though the craft of choice is the braking of hearts. As far as mine is concerned anyway... ever so subtly you crafted in conversation the absolutely most perfect and fitting of subjects... you craft such smooth and seemingly pleasant casual conversation but really i feel like you're driving words like a silver bullet.
You speak as though the mere presence in your life was a complete miracle in and of itself. And when i knock your answer is just another "oh...hi." Maybe time will work to turn round once again and love will somehow be reborn into our world together but for now I suppose that the best of things between us have passed, and that the most tactful, rational thing I can do at this point would be to paint to decrease the length of time it will take to make me forget.
Every time I said I love you I meant it completely and absolutely. And when I said thank you the way i did... I meant it as much as I've ever meant those words before. It hurts but thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
It might as well be as though the craft of choice is the braking of hearts. As far as mine is concerned anyway... ever so subtly you crafted in conversation the absolutely most perfect and fitting of subjects... you craft such smooth and seemingly pleasant casual conversation but really i feel like you're driving words like a silver bullet.
You speak as though the mere presence in your life was a complete miracle in and of itself. And when i knock your answer is just another "oh...hi." Maybe time will work to turn round once again and love will somehow be reborn into our world together but for now I suppose that the best of things between us have passed, and that the most tactful, rational thing I can do at this point would be to paint to decrease the length of time it will take to make me forget.
Every time I said I love you I meant it completely and absolutely. And when I said thank you the way i did... I meant it as much as I've ever meant those words before. It hurts but thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
13 August 2010
10 August 2010
Thank you, gooodbye. I'll see you soon.
My brain didn't stop that night, everything could have happened, but nothing did.
I was an observer, standing there in a place where I felt uncomfortable and they would never have noticed the difference. I smiled, I said hello. My guts didn't twist with anxiety. He looked exactly the same, it's been a long time, and a long time since he crossed my thoughts. That chapter which didn't have a full stop, now does.
People I've met over the years drifted in and out of my sight, and in and out of my consciousness. People I want to meet did the same. There were some jewels in the rough. A couple of nice people genuinely concerned for my well-being. For which I was appreciative.
Through all off the events, on a night which went from moderate expectations to potential early shut down, one amazing figure was constant in my mind. The city I left behind. The city I didn't say goodbye to, the city I left in a hurry...
My brain didn't stop that night, everything could have happened, but nothing did.
I was an observer, standing there in a place where I felt uncomfortable and they would never have noticed the difference. I smiled, I said hello. My guts didn't twist with anxiety. He looked exactly the same, it's been a long time, and a long time since he crossed my thoughts. That chapter which didn't have a full stop, now does.
People I've met over the years drifted in and out of my sight, and in and out of my consciousness. People I want to meet did the same. There were some jewels in the rough. A couple of nice people genuinely concerned for my well-being. For which I was appreciative.
Through all off the events, on a night which went from moderate expectations to potential early shut down, one amazing figure was constant in my mind. The city I left behind. The city I didn't say goodbye to, the city I left in a hurry...
08 August 2010
Pounding Endlessly
Never play a new drinking game with margaritas. First off, you get horrible brain freeze. Secondly, I forgot almost all of the rules and made up my own.
I can't remember what all I cam up with, but now I have a pretty good headache that tells me I played a little too well.
Or maybe I poured too well.
No one may know.
Never play a new drinking game with margaritas. First off, you get horrible brain freeze. Secondly, I forgot almost all of the rules and made up my own.
I can't remember what all I cam up with, but now I have a pretty good headache that tells me I played a little too well.
Or maybe I poured too well.
No one may know.
05 August 2010
Mindful Consumption
During a conversation over a nice vegetarian lunch with my love and hate friend "Mr White", I realized that this is something I should share with many, and exercise more than I already do in my own life.
Whenever you eat something, a piece of fruit, cereal, a steak, whatever, you're not just ingesting the particles of that food - you're also absorbing the energy that's been put into it.
For instance, when you eat an organic orange, you can feel good knowing that the energy put into growing this fruit was healthy. The tree was grown naturally and without pesticides or biological changes to the seed itself. This means the farmer also had to take extra care of his crop, rather than just spraying it. Caring for something is understanding it and understanding is love.
So, you guessed it... the organic orange you are eating is full of love. Call it cheesy but I believe this to be true.
Now take a look at a hotdog. This pig or chicken in this was more than likely, unless stated on the package as holistic/cruelty free, was treated rather poorly. Typically kept in small confines, fed artificial foods to make it fatter and more delicious, and most likely killed inhumanely. So you can imagine the energy put into this hotdog is not something of a positive nature and knowing what hotdogs already are, adding cruelty to the list of ingredients isn't going to help the case.
Before you get all skeptical, I'm not telling you that eating animals is wrong, and I'm not asking you to change your diet.
All I ask is for ONE thing.
The next time you eat something, think about what it is you're eating. Perhaps think about the origins, including the farmer who raised it, the family he/she is supporting, the grass or soil it lived off of, the air it took in, the sun....the entire universe.
Mindful eating, that is. A form of meditation I should practice regularly to help me become truly connected with what I'm putting into my body and into this world. If we can understand the deep connection between us and what we're eating, I believe that understanding can turn into love, and we can truly begin to appreciate the beauty of this world and the reasons we need to conserve it.
Mr White said: Maybe we should do something together with this. - Why not?
During a conversation over a nice vegetarian lunch with my love and hate friend "Mr White", I realized that this is something I should share with many, and exercise more than I already do in my own life.
Whenever you eat something, a piece of fruit, cereal, a steak, whatever, you're not just ingesting the particles of that food - you're also absorbing the energy that's been put into it.
For instance, when you eat an organic orange, you can feel good knowing that the energy put into growing this fruit was healthy. The tree was grown naturally and without pesticides or biological changes to the seed itself. This means the farmer also had to take extra care of his crop, rather than just spraying it. Caring for something is understanding it and understanding is love.
So, you guessed it... the organic orange you are eating is full of love. Call it cheesy but I believe this to be true.
Now take a look at a hotdog. This pig or chicken in this was more than likely, unless stated on the package as holistic/cruelty free, was treated rather poorly. Typically kept in small confines, fed artificial foods to make it fatter and more delicious, and most likely killed inhumanely. So you can imagine the energy put into this hotdog is not something of a positive nature and knowing what hotdogs already are, adding cruelty to the list of ingredients isn't going to help the case.
Before you get all skeptical, I'm not telling you that eating animals is wrong, and I'm not asking you to change your diet.
All I ask is for ONE thing.
The next time you eat something, think about what it is you're eating. Perhaps think about the origins, including the farmer who raised it, the family he/she is supporting, the grass or soil it lived off of, the air it took in, the sun....the entire universe.
Mindful eating, that is. A form of meditation I should practice regularly to help me become truly connected with what I'm putting into my body and into this world. If we can understand the deep connection between us and what we're eating, I believe that understanding can turn into love, and we can truly begin to appreciate the beauty of this world and the reasons we need to conserve it.
Mr White said: Maybe we should do something together with this. - Why not?
03 August 2010
New words
Someone taught me:
un-useful-ness is "actually" useful.
How does it work?
un = negative
ness = positive
negative + positive = neutral
therefore un-useful-ness = useful
So, let's practice another new word:
un-fair-ness = ?
There you go, smart-ass.
*by writing this, I was afraid that lightning might strike on me* ::chuckles::
Someone taught me:
un-useful-ness is "actually" useful.
How does it work?
un = negative
ness = positive
negative + positive = neutral
therefore un-useful-ness = useful
So, let's practice another new word:
un-fair-ness = ?
There you go, smart-ass.
*by writing this, I was afraid that lightning might strike on me* ::chuckles::
01 August 2010
If words could describe how it felt:
Head bent back with neck exposed
to stars beyond apartment ceilings
the light is dancing as a man would
movement guided only by
the flickering in the eyes of another
Color above distorting into
halos of candy colors shaking with vibrations
moving with the beats echoing the heart
whispering commands to me in a secret tongue
coaxing out the woman inside me with lovers eyes and intensity
with commands hushed into kissed words
I moved for you
made love to your eyes, mouth, and hands
with simultaneous pleasures
seeing something invisible to any other
reaching in to wrap your hand around the truth in me
never with any request for the proof from me
Music crashed through with thunderous applause
yet silent in slow motion and frozen in time
with licked lips and flowing hair
inhibitions dissipating into evaporated shame
leaving condensation upon your forehead
A lover who can bring color to my cheeks
with a look across the room
making me feel like a jazz song on a rainy day
beautiful and devastating
a half mended broken heart
wrapping arms around all the lovers in the world,
in an embrace that shatters existence.
Head bent back with neck exposed
to stars beyond apartment ceilings
the light is dancing as a man would
movement guided only by
the flickering in the eyes of another
Color above distorting into
halos of candy colors shaking with vibrations
moving with the beats echoing the heart
whispering commands to me in a secret tongue
coaxing out the woman inside me with lovers eyes and intensity
with commands hushed into kissed words
I moved for you
made love to your eyes, mouth, and hands
with simultaneous pleasures
seeing something invisible to any other
reaching in to wrap your hand around the truth in me
never with any request for the proof from me
Music crashed through with thunderous applause
yet silent in slow motion and frozen in time
with licked lips and flowing hair
inhibitions dissipating into evaporated shame
leaving condensation upon your forehead
A lover who can bring color to my cheeks
with a look across the room
making me feel like a jazz song on a rainy day
beautiful and devastating
a half mended broken heart
wrapping arms around all the lovers in the world,
in an embrace that shatters existence.
27 July 2010
Half Circle
I woke up this morning after a restless night to a feeling that can roughly be described as empty. Not empty like I've experienced in the past, really empty. Devoid of emotion. So I sat down to write, just as I have many times before when I'm confused, lost, heavy-hearted, or otherwise in turmoil. I spent the better part of 2 hours writing almost nothing and another 1 painting nothing. So I went read through what I had written and was nothing less than disgust with myself.
All these things that were "bothering me" - mere bits of depthless bitching smeared with raging self-pity. Embarrassed, ashamed. Who am I to snivel about things when I should consider myself lucky to have everything I do? For a moment I stared at the selfish words that just screamed poor little me. I was surprised and angry and quick to dismiss my shallow angst.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Writing has always proved to help me sort through my thoughts, sift through the mess, and find an answer. Why then is it different today? Why, after my emotionless outburst is my answer still I don't know?
I am missing something. I don't know what yet, but something. I don't feel complete. I fight with a lingering sense that I need something more. Something? What the fuck is something? Meaning? Satisfaction? Someone to love?
It's occurred to me that I've found love, at least once, and ran from it.
I feel like I have a lot to say to certain people right now, but I'm unsure of exactly what I want to say, or how to say it. For someone who is so naturally good at dancing with words, it's unsettling to be at such a severe loss for it. I'm confronted by the lyrics I've come to love as much as I've come to fear.
There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss.
I'm afraid to admit that despite my façade, I'm having a hard time forgetting regret.
Westie said to me: mama please sleep. Others will say relaxxxxxx...
I woke up this morning after a restless night to a feeling that can roughly be described as empty. Not empty like I've experienced in the past, really empty. Devoid of emotion. So I sat down to write, just as I have many times before when I'm confused, lost, heavy-hearted, or otherwise in turmoil. I spent the better part of 2 hours writing almost nothing and another 1 painting nothing. So I went read through what I had written and was nothing less than disgust with myself.
All these things that were "bothering me" - mere bits of depthless bitching smeared with raging self-pity. Embarrassed, ashamed. Who am I to snivel about things when I should consider myself lucky to have everything I do? For a moment I stared at the selfish words that just screamed poor little me. I was surprised and angry and quick to dismiss my shallow angst.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Writing has always proved to help me sort through my thoughts, sift through the mess, and find an answer. Why then is it different today? Why, after my emotionless outburst is my answer still I don't know?
I am missing something. I don't know what yet, but something. I don't feel complete. I fight with a lingering sense that I need something more. Something? What the fuck is something? Meaning? Satisfaction? Someone to love?
It's occurred to me that I've found love, at least once, and ran from it.
I feel like I have a lot to say to certain people right now, but I'm unsure of exactly what I want to say, or how to say it. For someone who is so naturally good at dancing with words, it's unsettling to be at such a severe loss for it. I'm confronted by the lyrics I've come to love as much as I've come to fear.
There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss.
I'm afraid to admit that despite my façade, I'm having a hard time forgetting regret.
Westie said to me: mama please sleep. Others will say relaxxxxxx...
24 July 2010
Skewed endlessly against
Funhouse mirrors read like non fiction
cracked versions of external disguises
from sensory overloads to lies told
A different person, in a different place
well tailored, immaculately groomed
Within her own perception
she is-
covering all reflective surfaces
to turn within
again and again,
to spin
until sparkles regress into pavement
the minds eyes
watching wildly pushing towards fears
like a Cyclops vicious
until blinded
Funhouse mirrors read like non fiction
cracked versions of external disguises
from sensory overloads to lies told
A different person, in a different place
well tailored, immaculately groomed
Within her own perception
she is-
covering all reflective surfaces
to turn within
again and again,
to spin
until sparkles regress into pavement
the minds eyes
watching wildly pushing towards fears
like a Cyclops vicious
until blinded
06 July 2010
01 July 2010
Spinning top
just as you are
with flaws, imperfections
frustrations involve
spinning tops
on the hard wood floor
so close to an open door
fall through the cracks
like forgotten faces
eyes look around
in every direction
except on me
where they ought to be
spilling hearts
like a open wound
from my side
I love you still
even if you don't mention
the fit of my dress
the cut of my hair
or the way it sweeps
over my eyes
focused on you
just as you are
with flaws, imperfections
frustrations involve
spinning tops
on the hard wood floor
so close to an open door
fall through the cracks
like forgotten faces
eyes look around
in every direction
except on me
where they ought to be
spilling hearts
like a open wound
from my side
I love you still
even if you don't mention
the fit of my dress
the cut of my hair
or the way it sweeps
over my eyes
focused on you
23 June 2010
I met you once
somewhere between birth and sleep
with a sideways glance
to make you mine
I pour you wine
to keep you here
though eventually everyone goes
think you may hear the story
within the notes of jazz
think you may see things
within the sharps and flats
between the lines
whispered my favorite words
quietly in your ear
the poetry of Leonard Cohen
seeping into your skin
to moisten eyes
to soften hearts
to awaken my awareness
of your fingers lightly trailing my skin
begged on bended knees
for you to see inside of
the ordinary me
to seek out the extraordinary
idiosyncrasies of the bourgeoisie
traits that make you second guess
the sanity of you and me
kissed your mouth
with abandon hands
clenched to shoulder blades
exhaled spoken word
to you in tongues
the secrets of the beatniks
through scribbles left behind
wafting on the smoke filled songs
sticking to the walls
turning everything blue
so I met you once
somewhere between birth and sleep
someone who still knew
what it meant to howl.
somewhere between birth and sleep
with a sideways glance
to make you mine
I pour you wine
to keep you here
though eventually everyone goes
think you may hear the story
within the notes of jazz
think you may see things
within the sharps and flats
between the lines
whispered my favorite words
quietly in your ear
the poetry of Leonard Cohen
seeping into your skin
to moisten eyes
to soften hearts
to awaken my awareness
of your fingers lightly trailing my skin
begged on bended knees
for you to see inside of
the ordinary me
to seek out the extraordinary
idiosyncrasies of the bourgeoisie
traits that make you second guess
the sanity of you and me
kissed your mouth
with abandon hands
clenched to shoulder blades
exhaled spoken word
to you in tongues
the secrets of the beatniks
through scribbles left behind
wafting on the smoke filled songs
sticking to the walls
turning everything blue
so I met you once
somewhere between birth and sleep
someone who still knew
what it meant to howl.
08 June 2010
Religion and Me
Lately I have found myself awake, long after everyone in this city has fallen asleep. I have been thinking a lot about religion, a subject which I find myself quite conflicted about, and ironically it just keeps me up even later…
For a long time I thought I was an atheist, but recently I came to the conclusion that it was just a cop out. There is so little that we know about the universe. Even if one believes in the Big Bang Theory, one cannot explain why we are here on a long enough timeline. The argument of causation can just go on, and on, and on, forever. And it seems that something had to be timeless and infinite for there to be anything here at all. I also came to the conclusion that blindly believing in a religion was also a cop out. The idea of God can really seem quite absurd to me at times. I don't feel negatively towards religion in fact at times I wish I had faith in a God. I believe that being religious saves you a lot of grief, especially when dealing with death. When you don't believe in a heaven, death is pretty scary. In that sense I envy those that are religious, yet at the same time I feel that most people who are religious totally undermine their own intellect. The depiction of God in most religious books make God out to have humanlike emotions and psyche, and even go so far as to say that man is created in the image of an utterly infinite and intangible entity. It just seems like it is a pompous and egotistical manmade creation, that was fabricated solely to dull the pain and fear of death. There is that absurd notion in all major religions that while God created every single human being in this world he picked favorites and fucked over everyone else that believed in something different, or god forbid never heard that God was picking favorites. Religion is supposed to provide teachings from a divine being, but how can it provide it when the institution of church in itself is so corrupted by humanity.
It seems that no matter what religion one believes in, there is murdering, molesting, genocide, and war being performed in the name of that religion. Then again I think about the complexity of our universe, and I cannot even begin to understand how it exists and I am at a loss. For now I will remain agnostic, which is also bothersome because I feel like that too is a cop out. Because being agnostic is just kind of agreeing with both sides, and not really deciding anything for yourself. Perfectly Neutral... That feels as if I just haven't explored the argument far enough but it is giving me a headache so for now I quit... And if THAT gives me the feeling that I am undermining MY OWN intellect. There is just no answer to this, but can one be satisfied with that? DAMN!
Lately I have found myself awake, long after everyone in this city has fallen asleep. I have been thinking a lot about religion, a subject which I find myself quite conflicted about, and ironically it just keeps me up even later…
For a long time I thought I was an atheist, but recently I came to the conclusion that it was just a cop out. There is so little that we know about the universe. Even if one believes in the Big Bang Theory, one cannot explain why we are here on a long enough timeline. The argument of causation can just go on, and on, and on, forever. And it seems that something had to be timeless and infinite for there to be anything here at all. I also came to the conclusion that blindly believing in a religion was also a cop out. The idea of God can really seem quite absurd to me at times. I don't feel negatively towards religion in fact at times I wish I had faith in a God. I believe that being religious saves you a lot of grief, especially when dealing with death. When you don't believe in a heaven, death is pretty scary. In that sense I envy those that are religious, yet at the same time I feel that most people who are religious totally undermine their own intellect. The depiction of God in most religious books make God out to have humanlike emotions and psyche, and even go so far as to say that man is created in the image of an utterly infinite and intangible entity. It just seems like it is a pompous and egotistical manmade creation, that was fabricated solely to dull the pain and fear of death. There is that absurd notion in all major religions that while God created every single human being in this world he picked favorites and fucked over everyone else that believed in something different, or god forbid never heard that God was picking favorites. Religion is supposed to provide teachings from a divine being, but how can it provide it when the institution of church in itself is so corrupted by humanity.
It seems that no matter what religion one believes in, there is murdering, molesting, genocide, and war being performed in the name of that religion. Then again I think about the complexity of our universe, and I cannot even begin to understand how it exists and I am at a loss. For now I will remain agnostic, which is also bothersome because I feel like that too is a cop out. Because being agnostic is just kind of agreeing with both sides, and not really deciding anything for yourself. Perfectly Neutral... That feels as if I just haven't explored the argument far enough but it is giving me a headache so for now I quit... And if THAT gives me the feeling that I am undermining MY OWN intellect. There is just no answer to this, but can one be satisfied with that? DAMN!
08 May 2010
Goodbye
27 May will be my last day in JLL. So it's been 4.5 years and it has been quite an experience. I have met some amazing people, be it clients, colleagues and learned about my strengths as well as my limitations, and discovered that I made the right choice when I chose to enter this and had chosen to leave at the right time too.
Nothing will be missed, I'm just looking forward to a new chapter.
27 May will be my last day in JLL. So it's been 4.5 years and it has been quite an experience. I have met some amazing people, be it clients, colleagues and learned about my strengths as well as my limitations, and discovered that I made the right choice when I chose to enter this and had chosen to leave at the right time too.
Nothing will be missed, I'm just looking forward to a new chapter.
11 February 2010
20 January 2010
19 January 2010
Mediocre
I could name a few. They care because they need the hits, the friends, the name that rides currents. They need to be part of the radiowaves that bring anyone else to attention. They need people to turn their heads when they say the same thing everyone else does in the same voice with the same face.
I could name a few. They care because they need the hits, the friends, the name that rides currents. They need to be part of the radiowaves that bring anyone else to attention. They need people to turn their heads when they say the same thing everyone else does in the same voice with the same face.
09 January 2010
Biggest affliction at the moment…
Resolutions - I've never been big on making New Year resolutions. I've made some trivial ones in the past but like many, I gave them up or forgot about them within a month. This year I didn't make any to start on the first of the year but after some thought I've decided to try something a little different.
Every month I'm going to make a new "mini resolution." I haven't decided what any of them are going to be yet but it will be something like, "during so-and-so month I'm not going to drink," or, "for this month I'm going to try something I've never done before." I think this way I'll be able to keep each resolution without cheating, and in the end I'll have bettered myself 12 times throughout the year instead of just once for the whole year.
Resolutions - I've never been big on making New Year resolutions. I've made some trivial ones in the past but like many, I gave them up or forgot about them within a month. This year I didn't make any to start on the first of the year but after some thought I've decided to try something a little different.
Every month I'm going to make a new "mini resolution." I haven't decided what any of them are going to be yet but it will be something like, "during so-and-so month I'm not going to drink," or, "for this month I'm going to try something I've never done before." I think this way I'll be able to keep each resolution without cheating, and in the end I'll have bettered myself 12 times throughout the year instead of just once for the whole year.
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